Restingmotion

  • Morning on the Hudson

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    Sometimes life catches me by surprise and takes my breath away.  This photo doesn't capture the glory of the light on the Hudson River yesterday morning, but it is close enough.

     

    Saturday had been cold, dreary and rainy, a day befitting my mood which was sad, depressed and lonely. Sunday filled me with joy and accomplishment and refilled my reserves and reminded me of all the good things, the things I have accomplished, the things I love about where I live.

     

    I have no regrets about the decisions I have made; they have been the right decisions for me and the people I love.  But accepting a course of action, even knowing it is the right thing to do, does not necessarily always make actually living with the consequences of the decision easy. Sometimes the weight of responsibility, of the choices I have made, seems like a burden to heavy to bear and despair overtakes me.  All I want is my house back.  All I want is my life back.

     

    But this is my life.  These are my choices. And I knew what I was doing even if I didn't fully appreciate the repurcussions.  I suspect that this is a necessary state, this not fully understanding what we are getting ourselves into until after we have jumped in feet first.    Otherwise why even get out of bed in the morning?

     

    But then, if I hadn't gotten out of bed I wouldn't have seen the sun on the Hudson.

     

    And I am lucky to have friends who support me and support me when the dark winds blow and when the sun shines through, who know that these moments are just wisps and hold my hands as I walk through the fog.

     

     

     

  • Two Books

    6463967My reading of The Big Short, was drawn out a bit, not because the book wasn't good but because while I was reading it I was also watching The Civil War on PBS.  Although the situations are completely different, there are similarities that made my blood boil.   

     

     

    The book was entertaining and informative. Lewis is a good writer, and his technique of portraying the financial crisis and the mortgage-backed security market through a small set of social misfits who saw the huge potential downside of the market was a good choice.  I found the story gripping, and I also found that Lewis's circular story-telling technique was helpful in painting an understandable picture of a system out of control and a society on the verge of collapse.   And yes, I am comparing the financial markets to a society in and of themselves, a society that has the potential to take everything else with it.

     

    Although the main characters around which this story evolved were social, and to some extent financial market, outsiders, and although in the end their gamble was right and they made a lot of money, the fact of that they were right did not make them any happier.  There is a message in that.  Sometimes the view is sharper from the outside looking in.  At the same time society does not necessarily want to be reminded of its failures, and betting against one's society and a large driving force of culture may be exhilirating, but being right is not always an uplifting experience.  Even when we know we are right, sometimes we just want to be proven wrong, and even in their success, there is a good bit of discomfort in Lewis's portrayal of his main characters after the crash.  Words of warning perhaps.  Words that are basically unheeded, as it is quite evident that although the crash occurred, there have been no fundamental changes in the mind set and the systems that gave birth to the cataclysm.  A system that rewards people for callous indifference, for taking risks without regard to the consequences, that emphasizes short term gain over long term growth, that rewards callousness and outright greed is a bad system.  The people who get caught up in that system are not necessarily bad people, but the system corrupts.  People will follow rewards.  The mindset of making money by screwing someone else, ends up being a system in which most people are screwed.  The entire idea that one can make money by screwing people, and that people who practice this mindset live at the pinnacle of our society should give us pause.  There is nothing different here from Feudal lords and kings who had little regard for the serfs who maintained their land.  There is nothing different here from wealthy plantation owners who plunged a society into a war it could not win just so they could maintain their protected lifestyle built as it was on bondage and indifference to humanity.  Except that this time however little blood was shed and the perpetrators, for the most part, came out ahead.

     

    241388 After reading Lewis I needed a novel.  I was hoping for something uplifting, but really I just grabbed something off the shelf.  I picked up Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin, a book I had originally purchased on a visit to Knoxville and never gotten around to reading.  I knew nothing about the author or the novel, but the prose and the story had intrigued me.

     

    It is a good novel.   The novel meanders a bit between past and present, intertwining the stories of the three main characters, but Martin handles this well and effectively.  The characters are well drawn with depth in the relationships between them.  The characters draw the reader in and although the ending was somewhat redemptive, I give the author credit for not resolving all the story lines and leaving somethings unexplained and unresolved.  

     

    There were some downsides.  There are some glaring factual errors. Sometimes the pacing was off a bit.  Much of the direction of the book is pretty predictable, but in the end this is not really a book about the plot but about the characters and their development, about surfaces and shadows, about what is hidden and what is revealed, about the relationship between fathers and sons specifically, but also about relationships in general, and how we are all looking for someone or something to fill the hole in our chest. Often we are looking in the wrong place.  If we are lucky we find it.  If we are very lucky we find it has been with us all along.

     

    But the story doesn't get to its resolution easily.  There is much pain, fear, despair and general nastiness in this book.  It does not paint a rosy picture of the human condition, and yet it is a book filled with hope, a reminder that there is hope.  I found it deeply enjoyable and deeply satisfying.

  • More Early Spring Flowers

    IMG_4721 The small irises and crocuses continue to bloom, filling in the gaps and now carpeting the new front landscaping bed.  Soon enough the greenery will be up and this bed will pass into its summer garb of textured greens, but for now, when the rest of the world remains brown, the lilacs and purples are a constant source of joy.

     

    Even though I have been gardening and planting for a long time, and you would think that I would take the return of the plants for granted, each year, when new shoots arrive and the treasures planted the previous season return to greet the world, my heart does a little dance of joy.

     

    IMG_4719 Now the hellebores, whose green leaves braved the onslaught of winter, looking perhaps a little tired after the months of snow have perked up, put out new leaves and are bursting into bloom.  These are my first hellebores and I am thrilled to see them, battle scarred though the leaves may be, especially since I am planning to plant more.  The light ones, "green heron" are the first to bloom, but I see deep purple buds proliferating on their darker cousins, helleborus hybridus "onyx odyssey" as well.

     

    I did not get as far with the bulb planting as I had hoped last year, so there are no fields of flowers, but this small front yard is really all that is necessary, warm and welcoming and filled with joy.

  • A Concert, Bare Legs, And Random Mental Meanderings

    Yesterday G and I took another one of our occasional Sunday outings to attend a concert in Beacon followed by dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Cafe Maya. 

     

    I was expecting spring-like temperatures, and it was warm, but not as warm as the previous day,  when I was over-dresssed for the spirit of the weather if not the actual temperatures.  I felt like wearing a dress, but I knew it wasn't quite warm enough for the Stella McCartney but I didn't feel like wearing a wool dress either.  I rustled around in the closet, which is once again in transition due to both seasonal and weight-related changes.  

     

    Sunday I came up with this dress, purchased from Athleta last fall and thought it might be just perfect.  Truthfully I was a little on the chill side. Before the cold weather set in, I often wore this with leggings and ballet flats, but I didn't feel like leggings yesterday.  I think I was seduced by the spring-like warmth and sunshine of Saturday, so I decided to bare my gams.

     

    But of course Sunday, while about the same in absolute temperature, felt cooler as it remained cloudy all day and I was a little cold.   And so I fretted.  I could have worn leggings.  I could have worn tights or even sheer hose.  I could have worn something else altogether. I worried that my 53-year-old knees were no longer up to the exposure.  I haven't given up sheer hose yet, and given that I was attending a chamber concert where the average age seems to be around 75 with 90% of the audience being over the age of 60, classic nylons would not have been out context.  In fact the bare legs were probably more out of place.  

     

    So I spent part of the concert fretting about my knees, my bare legs,and various other things.  This was not really the fault of the concert or my sartorial choices as I have been sleeping badly and have been somewhat overwrought over a situation that I am not ready to share.  Not to worry, it has nothing to do with G, but it has rendered me occasionally unable to sit and just enjoy the moment.

     

    But the concert was, overall, quite good. We heard the Jupiter String Quartet playing Schumann, Kurtag and Mozart and the concert was just lovely, although I am not quite sure what I think of Kurtag quite yet.  The Kurtag piece was "Hommage à  Mihály András" and it was very interesting, and at times arresting, but I could not wrap my head around it.  This may be more a reflection of the state of my head than the music, but this is something I will only figure out with more exposure.

     

    I do think it is telling though, that although I loved the Schumann Quartet in A Major, and I thought the performance of the Mozart Quintet in A Major was fine, I could not really keep my attention on the Mozart.   The music was very familiar of course, it is a work I with which I can easily hum along, unlike the Kurtag, and perhaps that was part of the problem.  As I listened my mind wandered.  I started off listening and then, as I listened, I suddenly remembered that this piece was played in an episode of M.A.S.H, I believe the final episode and I was flashing back to that episode.  This led me to consider if I knew any other films in which the clarinet quintet was used.  Well, Mozart is very common in film and television, almost to the point of being ubiquitous, which I do not generally think is a good thing, as if we hear something enough we start to take it for granted and stop actually listening, as I was not listening yesterday afternoon.  I can think of lots of films with Mozart, but the only one I could remember with this actual piece was Venus, which we watched recently, and perhaps that too, the film's position in my fairly recent memory, along with my own scattered state, is what prompted my absent-minded musings.

     

    So it was a fine afternoon if scattered, and I prefer, if I am going out to a concert, to be able to focus more on the work of the musicians.  I feel I owe them that.  But it was good.  G enjoyed it as well, although he is gradually becoming more and more scattered again, as if that Sunday of the first concert we attended was the high point of this recent reversal and now we are back on course, although still a long way from where we were.

     

  • An almost Tragedy

    Remember Louisa?  I shrank her.

     

    I was devastated and incredibly angry at myself as well because I knew what I had done practically instantly, and I. KNEW. BETTER.  

    Too Late.

     

    I loved this sweater so much I wore it four or five times in the first week after I finished it.  I loved it so much I could have just never taken it off, except that, well, I'm not that kind of person.  After a week, it needed washing, and I washed it with another sweater that was very close to the same color.  I knew the other sweater would need a trip through the spin cycle before laying it flat to dry because it is a heavy rayon and it gets rather large and unwieldy when wet.  But I planned to just roll Louisa up in a towel while I transfered the other sweater to the washing machine and spin it out. Then I would lay out both sweaters on my blocking board to dry.

     

    Except that G and I had a big fight that evening.  Not a fight about anything important; I don't even remember the cause.  It was the kind of acrimonious fight couples have over the most insignificant things, the kind of fight that was probably actually a reflection of individual stresses each of us were undergoing separately that just happened to boil over at that same moment.  But still, it was a fight, and I was not thinking clearly.  

     

    I am sure you know what happened.  I threw both sweaters in the washing machine, and when they came out I was surprised to see a very small Louisa.  I stretched and pulled and stretched some more and was practically in tears when I went to bed.  I knew I would knit another but it killed me.

     

    The next morning Louisa was still pretty damp so I pulled out the iron and steamed her and stretched her a little more.  She was still small, but she seemed like she might just fit.  Indeed she did.  She is a little smaller, a little more fitted, and about 2 inches shorter.  The fabric is a little tighter but by no means heavy or thick.  It seemed that she fit well enough that I might love her again someday, perhaps next fall, and I was about to put her away.  I was still too wrapped up in mourning the sweater she had been to see the beauty of the sweater she had become.

     

    But G thought she looked nice.  And I took her to my LYS, where everyone there thought she looked nice too, and since a few days had passed, I could see that they were right.  My eyes were no longer blinded by frustration.

     

    IMG_4690 Once again I have been wearing Louisa.  I must admit I am very happy with the way she has turned out. Happy enough that I might knit another one in the same yarn and intentionally shrink it as well; or not.

     

    I realize, that she actually looks better, the slight fulling of the yarn has firmed up the shaping of the sweater so it is a little more defined, and this length, two inches shorter is more versatile and can be worn with a wider variety of bottoms, such as the wide leg pants here, which are 7 or 8 year old Banana Republic trousers that are now almost too large, they keep sliding down on my hips.

     

    The only problems with this sweater are that the sleeves also shrank in length and the shoulders are now just a tad too narrow.

     

    The sleeve length may not even be a problem as I tend to fold or push up most sleeves to better facilitate the wearing of bracelets.  The new sleeve length actually hits at about the top of the cuffs shown in the photo, and I pushed them up a wee bit to show a little skin between cuff and sweater.    Apparently I tend to prefer my sleeves, if they are full length, either very narrow and close fitting, or fairly dramatic which would of course forestall the wearing of bracelets all together.

     

    But sleeve length and shoulder width are easy fixes which can easily be accommodated in my next version of this sweater.  There will be a next version.  I have already have a vision of it in my head and have already purchased the yarn.  But that is a project for the next transitional season.  Now I am feeling the need for some summer knitting.

     

     

     

  • This and That Around the House

    Well, here I am back at the blog but I haven't really worked out a time yet for being back an therefore it seems that my mind, lacking the structure of the old, "if it is X AM it must be blog-time" routine, wants to dart hither and yon.  The hardest thing so far me about adjusting to having help is perhaps just that, adjusting, and my schedule seems to require constant adjustment.  I am not by nature amoeba-like in my ability to adjust to changes in circumstances, so at times it is a bit trying.

     

    IMG_4693 This week we are watching Ken Burns' series, The Civil War, on PBS.  My initial reaction was "seen that", many times over actually, but G wanted to watch it and I was drawn in as well.  Each night I am saddened, angered, and brought to tears at least once as I get wrapped up the the turmoils of men, history, stupidity, tragedy and the occasional kindnesses of strangers.

     

    But this steady diet of evening television time has been good for my knitting and I finished the first piece of my next sweater last night.    I'm just going to post this teaser for now and say that I am using a wool, linen, and baby alpaca blend which I hope will prove excellent as a transitional piece for layering.  I am determined to finish it by the end of next week.

     

    While I am on the subject of transitional garments, I also went shopping this week.  Actually I went shopping twice, once looking for some new things I saw in the JCrew and Talbots catalogs, but none of the items I sought were available in the local stores, or nearly local as J Crew is over an hour away.  If anything my trip to the J Crew store actually discouraged me from attempting to order anything from the current catalog as I was so strongly disappointed in the merchandise available in the store and frustrated by the experience in general that I had about decided to just live with what I have currently in the closet.

     

    IMG_4678 But then a friend was showing off a fabulous new coat she got at Kohls, a lovely soft sage-green, transitional piece, and I promptly ran over to Kohls and bought my own. The sage made me look rather bilious around the edges and the black, despite the fact that it is pretty shiny, was a much better choice.  I like the weight, I like the fact that it dips down at the side seams, and I like the fact that at less than $50 it is not a major commitment.  If it gets me through a season or two I will be happy, especially since my previous black trench, a lightweight little number by Drizzle is looking pathetically sad and dated and is ready for retirement.

     

    The truth is that I hadn't been in Kohls' in at least 4 years, and although I had heard good things about Vera Wang's Simply Vera line for Kohls, I have never been particularly attracted to Vera Wang's various explorations beyond the realm of wedding gowns.  I may have to reconsider.  I picked up a couple of pieces which I felt offered far better style, construction, and value for the money than the merchandise available at the Danbury J. Crew.  They are not pieces for the ages perhaps, but I have come to accept with age, that little that is cut from cloth truly is ageless.  I can accept that.

     

     

     

  • Spring Bulbs

     Now it is time to celebrate the simple pleasures of spring.

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    Spring bulbs always brighten the spirits after a long dreary winter.  Especially as they brave the snows and keep their pretty heads up even as winter refuses to fade away, quietly oblivious to the storms of nature and human emotion.

     

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    A field of Iris histrioides Katherine Hodgkin makes my heart sing every single day and is a fabulous pay-out for the hours spent planting hundreds of bulbs.  Would that all effort yielded such glorious results. 

     

     

     

     

     

  • Transitional Dressing

    It feels like it has been a long time since I did a "what I wore post", especially with no new handiwork to show off.

     

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    Tunic:  (dress) Dolce Vita, 2006 or 2007, often worn and previously posted

    Turtleneck:  Spanx, 2011

    Jeans:  DKNY, new

    Shoes:  Heavy Machine, September 2010 

    Bracelet:  gift from G, sometime in the '80s.

    Necklace: Siman Tu, perhaps 2007 or 2008.

     

    I often tend to fall into a rut, wearing the same outfit over and over again without really varying the details.  For example, for  a long time I wore this tunic exclusively with dark jeans and a navy turtleneck.  Boring.  This fall and winter I wore it several times with tees with varying necklines but no turtlenecks, and it was okay but I had trouble aligning the perfect combination of tunic, top, and jewelry.

     

    For me, the white turtleneck was something new and almost daring as it opened up many new possibilities and I had fun playing with jewelry and accessories in the morning.  This necklace is one I always tell myself I should wear more and I am thrilled that it worked out so well with these pieces.

     

    Oddly enough wearing white has completely changed my perception of the piece and how to wear it.  I think there are more options lurking in my closet, options that never occurred to me before.  Sometimes the smallest changes open our eyes to entire new vistas.

     

  • Women, Apes, Humanity and a Mid-Life Crisis

    71EGJBZFEKL._SL500_AA300_.gif I've just finished reading Peter Hoeg's The Woman and the Ape.  It is an interesting novel, without the warm lyricism that I found in Smilla's Sense of Snow and even Borderliners, and this is quite interesting because these novels are in one sense more chilling in their subject matter and yet warmer in the way that subject matter is addressed, whereas this, which could be a love story and an awakening is told in icily cold prose.  But of course this is a novel by Peter Hoag, so this novel is not merely a love story but also a commentary on contemporary society, science, and what makes us human. 

     

    It is an interesting novel, and yes it is about a woman who falls in love with an ape.  But one should get beyond that, and not just because the ape is not really an ape, as we perceive "ape" that is, although the woman is really a woman, but because they are both more and less than what they appear to be.  The choice of this woman is an interesting one, and if one allows oneself to get beyond one's initial dismissal of "rich upper class woman has everything turns to alcohol" one can see that the woman herself is just as isolated, controlled, and under-appreciated as the ape — assigned her role in life and imprisoned in this role much like an animal in a zoo.  Hoag's woman has isolated herself from herself in order to cope with a world in which she is already increasingly isolated.  The author is good at outlining the depths of her isolation without really doing so directly just as he circles around the issues of science, humanity, and nature obliquely.  

     

    It is a good book and unsettling. Hoag writes with dry wit.  No one is what they seem and in the end, the "good" are not always good and the "bad" are not as bad as one had supposed although the end seems a bit rushed and faded after the initial promise of the beginning of the book. It is not that I expected a more specific finish, rather that the end is so unfinished, leaving so many loose ends, just, I suppose, as most personal crises (midlife or otherwise) leave chaos around them.  

     

    In many ways the book was about the personal crises of two people, Madelene and Erasmus,  and how this crisis was resolved.  Our protagonists found themselves after passing through chaos, probably as most people in crisis hope to find themselves, and this always involves some amount of chaos, and the rest of their personal world was left to pick up the pieces.  That there are greater implications than expected to the pieces left behind is also not unusual, it is always a matter of perspective.  Madelene and Erasmus break with civilization and its expectations.  The rest are left to pick up the pieces.  All are changed by the process.

     

    Interesting book.

     

  • Monday Miscellany

      1. I'm still here and still sorting.  However, I was so encouraged by the response to my post on weeding books that I went back and managed to eliminate several hundred more books.   They were all delivered to our local library this past weekend and I am relieved to note that the remaining books will all fit in the available space once the process is complete.  

     

    IMG_46212. My step-son and his wife were here last weekend and we had a lovely and relaxing visit, with some interesting excursions, much companionable visiting time, good food, a gift exchange and a shot of pineapple tequila.  I was given this book, which I had been lusting after for some time, and there are several recipes that will be appearing on our dining table in the very near future.

     

    3. The next weeding project is my cookbook collection, although I am still welcoming this new cookbook.  There will not be as heavy of weeding here, but there still seems to be some chaff, and I will probably eliminate most of the bread-baking section as I no longer make bread and am not likely to resume doing so given my celiac status.  This does not mean that I will eliminate all pastry and dessert options however.

     

    4. One section of books that has been isolated from the rest is a cabinet of books to read, mostly books that I have purchased in the last couple of years with full intentions of reading, as well as a group of books that I wish to reread before giving them away.  The latter group included Isak Dineson's Out of Africa, which I just finished reading and sent it on its way, although I did have a few moments of regret following that move.  I only had a paperback copy though so it pains me less than some books, and I feel certain that I shall be able to find it again should the desire to read it recur.  Of course this is the big point for me now, that there is no reason, unless a book is difficult to find or personally meaningful in some way, to keep books which I can get digitally or from a public library.

     

    But back to Dineson.  As was true the first time I read this book, 30 some-odd years ago, I initially found it hard to get into the flow of the story, but eventually Dineson's prose, her lyrical way with words, and her charming observations and descriptions won me over.   The high point of this particular reading occurred one morning when I found myself sitting out on the edge of the deck watching the sunrise with a cup of coffee as I was reading Dineson's description of coming across a lion and and killing it in the dark, only to return at sunrise and find another lion.  When I write it here, it all sounds brutal and cold, but it is not so in the book, and as I read that passage I was linked through sunrise in the Hudson Valley with a sunrise in Africa in a time long ago, all through the magic of words and imagination.

     

    5.  Today I washed the front door, the door frame and the front porch, then moved on to cleaning the windows above and around the front door.  Now everything is welcoming and sparkly clean and I feel a certain lightness in my spirits.