Thoughts

Few posts of late.  I seem inconsistent in my thoughts, and as usual, in times of mental and emotional unrest, I withdraw.  There has been busyness.  When my mind is in turmoil it calms me to straighten, rearrange, and re-organize the physical accoutrements of life, as if by providing structure in the surroundings I can also calm the inner beast.    Following this burst of restructuring usually comes a period of quiet.  I have been shutting down  and retreating into a world of fiction.  You will note that several volumes have been added to the books read listing, most of them fiction.

I don't know any more than I did before.  Life remains uncertain.  G was so much better following a heart valve replacement in March,  or so he seemed to me.  But now I don't know.  Things are not better now. Was I deceiving myself?  Were things actually better and is something new happening?  Have we only fixed one layer of decline only to find something else under the surface?  Or was this feeling of improvement just a little spark of Indian Summer in the long autumn of life?

Pardon the bad metaphors.

What I see is not encouraging.
    memory issues
    confusion
    poor judgment
    problems with choosing the right word
    problems walking, but they seem more neurological than physical

Is there an identifiable reason or cause?  Is there some kind of relief?

I am struggling to keep everything on an even keel as I also struggle to maintain some sense of my own life, my own interests, my own friends.

I don't know what is happening. I do know that I can't keep this part of my life that is beginning to overwhelm everything else locked up anymore, away from view.  For better or worse this struggle is becoming a part of who I am.