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Category: daily life

  • Monday

    We are having a good morning today.  We are the Audi dealership in Danbury because my car is having an issue with one of the computers that operate the braking system.  I was told it would take 3 hours.  I said I would wait because the drive is an hour and a half each way, and it hardly seemed worthwhile driving home merely to turn right away and drive back again.  I should have asked more questions.  It will take 3 hours once the problem is diagnosed, 4 hours total.  Still not so bad.  I am comfortable here with a book and my knitting.

     

    G came with me and although he brought something to read with him, is happier picking up the magazines that he finds on the coffee table in the waiting area.  He gets up and looks at the cars on the showroom floor.  "Audis are expensive" he tells me.  "It's good we got our car before it was expensive." I don't tell him they were expensive then too.  In another hour the entire episode will be repeated word for word.  I look up from my knitting and smile at him.  He smiles back.

     

    Yesterday was not so good and I was caught by surprise.  The day before that, Saturday, we spent the day with a friend of mine and her spouse.  It was a lovely day and we chatted and ate at the Culinary Institute.  We ate in a restaurant we used to go to all the time, but to which we had not been for a few years.  In the evening we nibbled salted dehydrated green beans and gouda. We sat holding hands while we watched  In Her Shoes and The Family Stone.

     

    I forget that what I think is good is not necessarily what G thinks is good.  When we drop off my friends G tells me that they are very nice people and very interesting.  Sunday, I wake up curled next to G, feeling tender and content.  G wakes up with a snarl.  "You threw me to the lions" he tells me.  I am stunned.  When I ask him about it he says "yesterday was a very stressful day".  Later he tells me "You don't love me.  You're just waiting for me to die."  I try not to cry.  I try not to take it personally.  I know this is his fear talking and has nothing to do with me.  I know it is the part of his brain that damaged by the NPG, by the swelling of his ventricles.  I was told he had moderately significant impairment to the frontal lobe, that some of this would revert to normal once the fluid was drained, but that there would be residual damage which would probably be permanent.  No one could predict how, or when, this would manifest itself, or even if it could be corrected over time.

     

    And yet I am still surprised sometimes.  I do start to cry.  I try not to.  We are in the kitchen.  I am making breakfast.  I ask G not to do something at that particular moment, but there is an edge in my voice because I am still fighting tears, still trying to reason with my emotions.  G leaps away.  "I'm going to live with my sister", he says.  "You are always so mean to me.  You don't have to yell at me".  I didn't yell, but there is no point in reasoning with him, it will only make things worse.  I feel worse.

     

    The air around G is palpably sad and angry Sunday morning.  He carries around a cloud of despair, self doubt, fear, and anger; he carries it around much the way Pigpen always trails a cloud of dust.  He tries to press it on me, so that if I feel like a failure he will feel better.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I catch myself first and try to save us both.

     

    We have a concert on Sunday afternoon up in the Berkshires.  As we get into the car, G tells me that he doesn't want to get in the car with me because he is afraid of me.  My heart sinks and I feel sadness washing over me again.  Why does he make me feel like an awful person?  No.  Why do I let myself feel like an awful person?  This is not about me.  We've discussed this before.  I know he is actually afraid I will leave him.  But he doesn't understand the difference between "I am afraid you will leave me" and "I am afraid of you" because if I left him he fears it would do him permanent bodily harm.    I've never said I would leave him.  I will not leave him.  I ask him if he is afraid I will leave him at the side of the road like an abandoned kitten.  He says yes.  I tell him that I will not leave him at the side of the road.  I promise him that if we stop I will not drive away without him in the car.  He smiles at me and gets in the car.

     

    All during the drive to the concert he tells me how much he loves going to concerts with me and chatters about how much fun we are going to have.  The cloud has lifted.

     

    We are still at the Audi dealership.  G has just gone to look at the cars again.  He comes back.  "Audis are expensive" he says.  I smile and say "I guess so."

     

  • Musings from a Quiet Weekend

    We had a very quiet weekend at home.  I suppose this is not particularly exciting news or even that unusual at this stage of our lives but the end of the week was exciting enough.

    1.  I had been completely unaware that the Clinton Wedding was this weekend until I had a meeting at the bank on Thursday and it was the entire subject of conversation.  At that point the village of Rhinebeck already suffered from an excess of reporters.  Opinion seemed split between those who wanted to flee and those who were eager for the opportunity to see someone famous.  Since I had already resolved to delay my grocery shopping until Saturday, I just took the scenic route and drove around Rhinebeck.  I was rewarded by a mid-day Saturday trip to a Stop & Shop that was about as deserted as is usually expected at 11 PM.  Lucky me.  As the day progressed I continued to be amazed at the number of distant relatives that came out of the woodwork and called us up to see how we were weathering all the excitement.  What excitement.  The missing relatives were all the excitement.

    2.  I did miss not attending a couple of notable musical events in the area:  Friday was opening night of Franz Schreker's The Distant Sound at Bard.  And Steve Reich was in Woodstock on Saturday.  Both were far more appealing than celebrity watching, but I had known I would not be going anyway as G seems to have lost all interest in going out to musical events.  I consoled myself by thinking I would have had to drive through Rhinebeck to get to either, or significantly lengthen my drive.  I need to stop putting things I wish I could attend buy know I can't on the calender.  This only brings heartache.

    3.  I learned on Thursday that the mason who has been doing the front walk was going to be available for two more weeks and then perhaps tied up for a considerable period of time.  I seized the opportunity to knock a few other projects off my list.   This way a major portion of the hardscaping in front will be done.  This spent spending some time rejiggering budgets but it works.   

    4.  I called the electrician at 5 PM on Thursday because an electrical line had to be moved so I could build a stone wall and hide the old half-buried oil tank, which we decommissioned and had filled with foam several years ago.  The electrician called me back at 5:30 and came out at 6:30 to look at the job and give me a quote.  He was at the house again Friday afternoon and, after consulting with the mason, moved the line so everyone is happy.  

    5.  G's new hearing aides came in Friday and he can hear me when I speak in my normal voice, for the first time in years.  It is marvelous watching him respond to small everyday sounds that I take for granted, puzzled and then marveling at the sounds things make.  It reminds me of when I was in college and learned I needed glasses to see distance, when, for the first time, trees did not look like a late Monet painting.

    6.  I finished reading David McCullough's biography of John Adams, which was absolutely wonderful.  It was a vivid and inspiring portrait of our second president, a man I have long found fascinating.  If anything I have newfound respect for Adams the man and the president, strengths, foibles, and all.  Oddly enough, although I don't think I am unusual in this, Jefferson, as shown through his correspondence and dealing with Adams comes out less well even though we are privy to more of Adam's petty sulks.  This was probably one of the the best biographies I have read and one I shall read again.

  • A worried update with accompanying escapes into the world of fiction

    G has been home from the hospital following a TURP and is doing well; at least he is doing well in terms of the surgery and his recovery from same.  On other fronts I am not so sure.  His surgeon and other doctors were quite concerned about how confused he was after surgery, and initially I was less concerned, as he seemed much like he had before surgery…very confused and unable to focus.  When he made the decision to have the surgery I had mixed feelings but he seemed competent to make the decision for himself.  Looking at him in the hospital, I got the impression that his surgeon might not have operated had he know how confused G had become, and as I tried to look at him more objectively, I reluctantly came to the same decision, that this week at least, he is not competent to make any decisions.  But this was not the case when he made the decision.  What changed?  Is something going on or is just the normal, leap and crawl, progression of dementia?

    Prior to surgery I had pretty much chalked this up to stress and lack of sleep.  He was fretting over surgery.  He wanted to have it and yet he was worried about it, not an unreasonable response, in my opinion.  He was not sleeping well, due partially to continued urinary issues that the TURP should correct, and to general worry, and I know that continued lack of sleep has a strong effect on his mental stability.  

    But now I am wonder if this is something more.  He had started to get a bit muddled about 6 weeks back, but we saw his neurologist and his internist and they saw nothing untoward.  He still seemed to be thinking well.  Now he is not. I do not think it is the surgery or the effects of anesthesia because this is different than his behavior after previous surgeries.    He really can't focus, can't read, can't really do anything.  He has great trouble following a conversation but this goes well beyond hearing, he hears the words and can repeat them, but they are meaningless to him, and he constantly garbles his words and his subjects when he is speaking.  I am hoping this will settle down and am willing to give it a week or so, but I had already decided that it was time to seek more help.  The question now is whether this is temporary or exactly how much more help,and what kind is needed.  He is also scheduled to get new hearing aides next week, and I hope they help.  I am beginning to worry that it is now too late; he has needed better hearing aides for years but he refused to have them or use them, even taking them back and returning them when I talked him into getting them.  Now he wants them but it may not help and this make me very sad.  I hope I am wrong.  

    I need to observe him a few days, see if things improve, talk to his doctors and see what might be done, if anything, determining if there is a medical solution.  It is a complicated issue, constrained by the many issues about what to say and what not to say, along with the fact that most of his doctors were also once his colleagues and there are often psychological factors involved in how each of them deals with G, his health, and me.

    In the meantime, I have retreated to books with one eye, while keeping the other eye on my sweetie. Therefore reading has, as predicted, continued in a light vein.


    6477815      Bicycle Diaries     by David Byrne.  

    I tend to think David Byrne is enormously creative and talented and I have read things he has written before and think he is intelligent and thoughtful as well.  I looked forward to reading the book, and in the sense that I was reading the author's thoughts on a variety of subjects was not disappointed.  The books is not really about riding a bicycle, nor is it particularly about the cities he discusses.  It is more a collection of observations, musings, and thoughts prompted by the places he is visiting and riding his bike.  Sometimes these thoughts seem quite naive and sophomoric, at other times somewhat sophisticated, and at times they capture an enviable sense of wonder at being able to look at the world through fresh eyes.  What I find most interesting is how these thoughts are framed and the insight they give into the workings of the mind of an artist I admire.   It is not a book about bicycles or travel and it is not a coherent narrative, it is a book about the musings of a bright creative person as he travels the world and observes and comments on what he sees and understands in that world.    As such I found it quite enjoyable and thought-provoking.

    Byrne, was my surgical-day reading, when I had longer stretches of time.  After that I slid into the kind of book that can be read line by line with no loss of clarity.

    64865  Sue Grafton's B is for Burglar is the second of the Kinsey Milhone detective series.  I read the most recent first, and have gone back to the beginning.  I was seriously disappointed with the first book, A is for Alibi, and if I hadn't read anything else in the series I would not have continued.  As for this one, I can see, while reading it, why I am attracted to Kinsey as a character, and am picking up on the beginnings of her character development.   Although this book was much better than the first book, it is still poorly written, lumbering, cliched fiction.  But it is not unusually bad, certainly no worse than some phenomenally popular authors (JK Rowling anyone?). The writing is to the point.  The story progressed well and was interesting.  I don't mind the dirty details of investigative work and these details kept the story grounded. When I was in college I was told that one should "write the way you talk" and in that sense this book is good; and I can see the appeal.  It is not literature and reading this will never lead to an appreciation of literature.  I do however like Kinsey enough that I will probably read another.  It is not a book to curl up in a comfortable chair and savor.  It is perfectly good for a hospital room, waiting around in airports where your mind is distracted anyway, or for reading at the gym.

    220970 Lastly, I read another one of Lee Child's Reacher novels, Tripwire. Since I have been talking about writing here I will come right and say the writing is not fabulous here either.  It is direct and to the point, and although at times it can be quite grating, I would give it higher marks than Grafton. But mystery novels aren't really about the writing (popular fiction in general is not about the writing, now is it?) and the main character is interesting and complex enough, the female lead is strong, and the story is compelling, suspenseful and moves right along.  I will admit to becoming a Reacher fan although he is nothing like anything I would normally look for in a man.  I enjoyed this book, and it was satisfying enough that I happily finished it curled up in a chair with a nice glass of ice tea (and later wine) while G slept. 

  • A Break in the Heat/Another Thriller

    I slept well last night and woke up refreshed this morning.  It was such a marvelous feeling that I almost felt like I was dancing on air.   Well, not really possible as the humidity is still somewhere in the 90 percent range but at least it is cool this morning and will be slightly cooler, if more humid today.  I feel a tingle still in my sinuses and a very tiny bit of a headache, but considering that I have had a sinus headache since Tuesday last, with attendant fitful sleep and discomfort, any improvement is a bit of encouragement.  I had thought that I had outgrown this tendency toward summer sinusitis but instead I was lulled into complacency following last summer's unusually cool weather.

    As a result of my own fitful mood, nothing much has happened of note.  Family was here and we had a marvelous visit.  Grandson O left at Christmas still a warm snuggly bundle of toddlerhood and arrived a week ago, two months shy of his 4th birthday, very much the little boy.  When he greeted me at the airport it was very much a sauntering "hi grandma" with the cool sideward flick of the wrist which passes as a wave. In that moment he reminded me of nothing so much as his teenaged uncle many long years ago.  But of course we got to snuggles and giggles and shrieks in the pool with splashing and laughing and many hugs.  The progression through childhood is not quite a smooth continuum after all.  

    31269  I pretty much let the house go for the duration of the visit, much preferring games of chutes and ladders or merely watching PBS kids with O, and sometimes relaxing with a book.  It was about all my pounding head was suited for, and there is always a winnowing of options in life.  I think I made the right choices here.    Rather than being productive in my down time I read The Paris Option by Robert Ludlum and Gayle Lynds. 

    I don't really know why I picked it up.  I bought it when step-son A was here in May.  We went to the bookstore and I, as always when I am in a bookstore, had to buy a book.  Perhaps it was the Ludlum name as I always enjoyed Ludlum's novels.  I was aware that it was not written, or written completely by Ludlum.  I wasn't really aware at the time that Ludlum had passed away and this doesn't bother me, this marketing of Ludlum's name to sell more books although I wonder about the benefit of this.  It probably does sell more books, but I suspect that many readers are overly critical because it does not live up to the expections of the Ludlum name.

    That said, I found it an enjoyable thriller.  I have not read any of the other books in the Covert One series.  The book is well written, the story moves right along, fast enough with enough human interest as well to keep one reading.  It is by no means boring and it has a few clever moments where I was laughing out loud.  I'm not going to comment on whether anything is realistic or reasonable or "true"; that is not quite what thrillers are about, but it was good entertainment.  And in the end, it actually made me think about a few things, make connections to my own life and the world I see and live in; not profound associations perhaps, but it did make me think about things we take for granted:  our overconfidence about our own competence, safety, the concept of heartland, idealism, and the darker sides of human nature.  What more could I ask from a casual book: escape, relaxation, reflection.  For me, considering that I read very fast, this is a far better use of time and money than most expeditions to the movie theater.

  • Progress

    The hardest thing seem to be just accepting the world as it is not as I would like it to be.

    No that is not correct.

    Even harder than accepting the world is accepting myself as I am and not as I would like myself to be.

    I'm working on it though.

  • Catch Up

    It has been a busy, busy week and I intentions and even ideas have fallen by the wayside.

    IMG_1675 We had house guests for a couple of days mixed in with a bunch of other excitement (we lead a pretty quiet life and it doesn't take much to count for excitement around here. 

    And we have certainly done our part to support the recovery this week as well, starting locally with a crew of tree cutters, a bucket truck, a huge chipper truck and a trailer for the logs as we finally took down the big cotton wood tree by the house, as well as a hemlock tree that was almost as tall as the cottonwood, but bare of leaves for all but the 8 or 10 feet which rose above the shade of the cottonwood and other trees.   There were 6 trees total, two of which were dead and posed a threat to our power lines in the next ice storm and it took the crew about a day and a half to get everything cut down and cleaned out.  Unfortunately none of the trees were particularly desirable as firewood so everything was hauled off.

    IMG_1693 The washing machine also sprang a leak about a week ago and the repair person was here on Friday AM and told me I needed a new pump and a new motor, to the tune of something like $500.  Now that amount of money would buy a new top loader, but I don't intend to replace my top loader with another of its ilk as I see no point in investing in the old technology.  Even so, it was too much to spend on an 18 year old washing machine as well, so off we went to the appliance store.

    A new washer and dryer are set to be delivered this afternoon, probably in about an hour (which may be when I finish this post) and I am very happy not to be contemplating a trip to the laundromat.   The original plan was not to get the dryer, although the dryer I have is 16 years old, and the enamel is chipping off on the drum so I have to be very careful about rust spots on the clothing if things are left to sit in the dryer.  But I quickly realized that the front loaders were just enough larger than the old machines that it would be a pain to work around the washer to get at the dryer, so we got the set and I am happy and even eager to run some laundry.

    NMC0KYG_mt Best of all, I purchased what is my new favorite concealer, even though it is almost as expensive as sin.  You need the teeniest, tiniest little bit, it blends beautifully and covers even dark circles well without slipping, sliding into the wrinkles and creases around the eye or looking like you have applied a layer of spackle.  And it lasts all day.  

    I say "almost" as expensive as sin because it is actually $5 cheaper than my previous favorite concealer, the one I thought I would never abandon until someone sent me a sample of this one,  Cle de Peau's concealer.   The only think I don't know is if a container lasts as long.  The Cle de Peau stick looks bigger, and it would usually last me a year or a little longer.  The La Mer looks like it holds less, quantity wise, although I also use far less, just barely enough to be visible on the brush.  Only time will tell. 

    Oh, and I did some clothing shopping and found out I could go down a size in a favorite pair of pants.  I also rediscovered a few old favorites that I had been saving and which now fit again.  I was so excited after a few weeks of no progress that I thought I would go public and add the little "weight loss ticker" that I have seen a few places around the web.  

  • Sunday Afternoon

    It has been a busy week filled with the mundane and the every day.   But the trees have been glorious, reminding me to pause and enjoy the moment.  A few days ago the entire area was ablaze in color, amazing color, color that I had, quite frankly worried about as the season started early and seemed to drag along, until all the remaining trees erupted in flaming colors this week.  

    Today many many of the leaves are gone.

    IMG_1556

    This afternoon I did get to sit out on the deck with a cup of tea and watch the fabulous barge being pushed down the river.

  • Organized and Ready To Go

    I love purses.

    Being the kind of person who likes to coordinate my accessories with my outfits, including jewelry, it is probably not surprising that I like to change purses as well.  For a while, in my 40's I was getting all minimalist and trying to reduce the number of things I carried in my purse to the lightest load possible.  I weeded out credit cards, eliminated "unnecessary" items and thought I had a pretty workable system.  

    Still things accumulated.  I added the cell phone.  I added a Palm.  I added an iPod.  I got an ITouch which allowed me to combine my Palm and iPod into one (smaller) unit.  But I started having to carry more other stuff in my bag, stuff for G, stuff for me in case I had an allergic reaction, an impossible number of pieces of paper.  Nothing was easy in my purse anymore.    

    I still managed to change purses pretty frequently, but the odds that I would forget something grew stronger.  

    IMG_1271 Last week I solved all my problems; at least I solved all my purse problems.  I bought a Purse Protector from my friend Lyn.  Now I knew that Lyn had developed this purse organizer to solve her own need for keeping things together and changing purses so when I found out that they were finally available for sale I had to buy one, well actually two, as I bought one for my mom as well.

    Now everything is organized.  It can be opened up and made longer and flatter for those long flat purses I have.  It can be separated for smaller purses.  Best of all is that I figured out that I can leave my ipod and my cell phone in the purse protector and plug them in for charging/syncing without ever taking them out of the purse protector.  I just plop the whole thing on the side of my desk, which happens to be right next to the purse-closet, plug them in, and the next morning I just grab the whole thing and pop it in my purse.  I never leave without my cell phone anymore.  I never get to a doctor's office and realize that I left my iTouch at home and with it my list of G's medications or my calendar.  

    When I went into NYC last week, I had everything easily at my fingertips, right where I needed it. No more fumbling at the newsstand at Grand Central because my wallet has somehow sunk to the bottom of my bag, no more riffling through my pockets trying to remember where I put my metrocard.  Everything fits, everything is where it is supposed to be, I can just grab it and go without having to think about it, and somedays having one less thing to have to think about is very very good.

  • IMG_0899 In mid July I decided it was time to start exercising again.  Oh, I had thought about it before that, but in July I finally set my mind to it and actually started.  I had stopped sometime after G had started with his various troubles, about 2 summers ago, when it seemed that I would get to the gym and my cell phone would ring and I would need to go home.  I could no longer walk along the trail near my house because I could not get home in a hurry if I was a mile or two away.  I stopped exercising at home because I seemed to be interrupted every 15 minutes.  

    I know, one can exercise in 15 minute intervals, but it really wasn't working for me.  I just gave up.

    But this summer I was just tired of being tired.  I want my stamina back, my energy back, and truthfully I wouldn't mind if the exercise helped me take off a few more pounds, but mostly I am just tired of being slow, weak and tired.

    I finally managed to wean myself off the antihistamines in early July as well, after a 7 month battle with hives.   Without medications that made me tired and groggy, or hives that made my feet swell and itch, exercise also seemed like a more promising option.   I started slowly, and not perhaps as regularly as I should have.  I skipped a few days when my step-son was here, partially because of scheduling issues, partly because of a couple of minor gluten incidents which brought back the hives, although I caught them early and dealt with them efficiently.  That was my punishment for going along with something I did not think was a good idea just to  be sociable and be a good hostess.  Lesson (hopefully) learned.

    Since the end of July though I have been more motivated and more determined to really stick to a schedule and push myself, exercising every day, because I know myself and know that if I allow myself to slack off now, before I am fully settled back into a routine, I will just continue to slack off.  It was not always easy and I was often tired, falling into bed at night in complete exhaustion.

    And then sometime last week something changed.  I started feeling a little more energetic.  I started feeling a little calmer.  I started sleeping fewer hours, but far more soundly.  At first I just couldn't go to sleep at night.  I would be up until midnight, 1 or 2 AM and wide awake at 7.    I kept telling myself that I needed to sleep more, although I obviously didn't; and I would get frustrated that I couldn't go to sleep earlier.  One night, when G was particularly grumbly about my being up all night, I made myself go to bed at 11.  I was awake at 5.  It was dark out.  I was not happy.

    But then I suddenly realized that I could work out early, before breakfast, and if I got up at  5 or 5:30 I could get an entire long workout in before G woke up.  I could even do an exercise tape or weight work without an audience or interruption.  Suddenly I was eager to get up early and watch the sun rise.  Suddenly, I was starting to have energy again.  

    I still have a long way to go, but I am seeing progress and it makes me want to go further and do more.  I am reaching a point where it is easier to make myself exercise even when I don't want to do it.   I am not yet strong, and I have a long way to go with the weights.  I don't think I am up for my old loop around the Vanderbilt Estate, which is 3 3/4 miles round trip from my front door, and G isn't quite comfortable with my being out of touch, yet.  But I am walking, and riding the exercise bike, and my knees are thanking me.  And I have started strength training again.  

    I am not sure that I will always sleep 5 1/2 to 6 hours a night, but I am happy now as it is making the process easier for me.  For many years after I went through menopause I slept 6 hours a night most nights.  Actually I would go through 2 or 3 weeks of 6 hour nights, and then 2 to 3 days of 8 or 9 hour nights and repeat the cycle.  I can't say I would object to that cycle should it recur.  But mostly I am just happy because I feel my focus coming back.  And that really is a good thing.

      

  • It’s a sunny birthday!

    I couldn't ask for a nicer birthday weekend.  Oh, its a holiday? Well, that was nice too.

    IMG_0610 Most marvelous of all has been the weather.  It did not rain yesterday.  It was not necessarily sunny all day, but it was sunny enough that it was just a lovely day.

    We swam, more than once, and I would love to say that we relaxed in the pool with gin and tonics, but we did not; I had Snapple Peach Green tea instead because I have chosen to clean out my closets this weekend so I can figure out what I have to wear, and better yet what I need so I can let myself sew again.  I was truly afraid that gin would cloud my judgement, and I was trying to be firm in my resolve that only the fabulous would survive.  
    Sun, pool, playing with clothes and jewelry, food on the grill, tennis and fireworks.  What more could I ask?

    Except that today is also sunny, sunnier than yesterday and it is not suppose to rain.  That makes two days in a row with no rain! Really I am thrilled, even though I have only looked at the sunshine through the windows this morning because I spent all morning watching the men's finals at Wimbledon.  

    The remainder of the day promises to be just as relaxing:  some time in the pool, perhaps lounging in the shade with a book, and some more closet time as well.  After all, I have to find a space for the pretty new baubles G gave me.  But those will show up over at sewdistracted, which is where I used to talk about clothes and style and sewing, which is being resurrected in the next few days.