A lot has been accomplished in the last month. Oddly enough most of it calmly, without stress, although I have had my moments when I have reverted to my previous self-stressing mode of existence. In July I experienced a moment of clarity and since then I have tried to find calm, tried to create a feeling of calm in my life and my home. Not surprisingly once I stopped struggling with myself, everything I was fighting for came more easily.
I am really not sure where I am going at the moment, but at the same time I am not worrying about it. And I certainly don't know how this blog is going to evolve and it seems strange to admit to that I will continue writting but I don't have a plan or a purpose or a goal. Aimlessness seems so anti-modern and yet I know I will get somewhere. But I am tired of struggling with what I think I should write, tired of struggling with the persona I think I should project. I am willing to evolve. There, I can't believe it took me four weeks to get up the nerve to write that.
On the practical side, I have finally wrested my office into a manageable space even if I am still not completely unpacked.
I put cat perches up on the wall. Sometimes Moisés likes to perch up on the high curve and stare-down at me, Garfield-like, while I type here at my computer. More often though he just lounges in the lower curve content to have his own space high above everyone else. I like that they add a sculptural quality to the room, filling in the empty space and making it feel more finished.
As you can see, I still have boxes of unpacked paperwork on the floor, waiting to be sorted, scanned, and filed. There is another box on the opposite side of the sofa, at least adding a bit of symmetry. But this is manageable. I like things to have a place to live, even if it is a basket in my desk or a box on the floor. It annoys me that I don't really know what to do with the large blue triangular pillow standing in the corner. G needs it for his physical therapy which he does on the office sofa, and truthfully, I find it a nice place to rest my head while I peruse a magazine and sip an espresso on those days I am felled by the 4 o'clock slump. Perhaps I will like the pillow more once I cover it in something more appealing than hospitaliesque blue cotton.
Which may happen soon. My goal is to have a small working studio set up in one of the upstairs rooms by the end of the week. I have to assemble the shelves so I can start unpacking fabric. I at least have to move the fabric boxes once the shelves are assembled so that I can put up a table and a sewing machine. Maybe even an ironing board. I can sew amid boxes but I can't sew if I can't press.
I might be too ambitious. It may be early next week before the sewing room coalesces. This week I am exhausted. I finally decided I needed to join a gym. Specifically, this is my third week of cross fit and it is the most difficult and rewarding thing I have ever done. I am stronger already. I stand straighter. Yesterday, on September 11, we did a hero workout in honor of Navy Chief Petty Officer Mark Carter who was killed in Iraq on December 11, 2007. Even the beginner modification was tough for me but I did it and when I began to lose focus I pulled myself together thinking of all the people who work harder than I can imagine working and sacrifice so much that I can live my safe little life. Somehow by putting a name to the effort I felt I had to do best I could. I pushed myself so far I thought I would throw up before I finished, so I pushed further and I did finish. When I was done I discovered a moment of pure joy as I stood in the parking lot watching the sunrise.
On the other hand, I think I can get that sewing space set up this week as planned.
Comments
12 responses to “Little by Little”
That room is so modern! It does seem an evolution from your former home (also lovely but different). I applaud you on your new perspective – and it’s so nice to hear your voice again. I look forward to hear more about the new sewing space, or knitting, or working out – whatever you’d like to talk about.
Kristin, I am finding that my taste is not all that strictly modern, but there are certain strong modern elements, and I am sure my taste is more modern than anything else. Although I do like a mix of antiques and modern things, rustic and polished, I find I recoil from the term eclectic which seems too chaotic for me. In this room both the desk and the sofa were from the old house and since it is a small room they dominate, so everything else had to work around them.
My workouts have been enlightening, and I am learning to work with my body in ways that are new to me. It surprised me how well the focus at this gym aligned with my weekly yoga classes.
Mardel
I love the cat perches! They really do add an interesting element.
You certainly have reason to be taking things a day at a time. Good that you’re able to give yourself permission to be “aimless” right now.
I read because I like you. 🙂
I keep wanting to post on my thinking about blogs, evolving since I heard Blaine Cook talk about keeping some Wild in the interwebs. But part of what I’m thinking is captured so well in your willingness to evolve, to take the risk of seeming/being aimless. I’m so tired of the number of blogs that have clearly followed advice to define their focus. Sadly, most of my favourites are blogs that started before this wave that seem more commodified, more deliberate, and many seem to be dropping out — I miss them, and I’m glad to see you’re resisting that.
And yes, as Lisa says, I read you because I like you.
I’m all for aimless. I’m a woolgatherer. And despite my best intentions to write on my blog a set number of times a week, I rarely do. So do what feels right. And I’ll keep reading. I like you, too.
P.S. Wonder if I can get those cat perches in España. Mlle. Zouzou would lurf them, and my walls are woefully bare. Last phase of the set-up-a-house-from-scratch-project.
Mardel, I wanted to add a thank you for all your catch-up comments on my recent posts — I probably won’t get to reply at each of them, but I read and appreciated every one. Thanks for taking the time. More and more, I really hope we meet some day.
Thank you Pseu!
Lisa, right back at you. And thank you for the smile.
Mater, I keep thinking about blogs and intention. I tend to be distressed when blogs I love gradually fade away, and I understand that the stresses of life sometimes interfere, but sometimes I think too narrow a focus just seems to run its course.
I admire those who can maintain a blog with a unified voice without being focused on too narrow a path. After all, we as humans, are not brands, and I think it is that human part that ultimately connects us.
Still, sometimes it seems that the more distracted modern life becomes the more we try to narrow down our focus. Not always with good results.
Rubiatonta, wool-gathering is one of my favorite occupations.
Oh, this so well echoes what I have been thinking. A friend once told me that she admired my ability to synthesize — I tend to deprecate my own breadth of interests and wish I could focus more intensely to excel in one area. But she let me see what I do as a strength — at least in that moment, and I try to hold on to her vision. You remind me of this aspect of myself — and many of the blogs that most interest me are written by those with similar tendencies
Love the cat perches! Moises is one lucky feline. Where did you find them? I assume their main purpose is for something else?
Two of our Tribe have managed to leap to the top of the kitchen cabinets. 10 foot ceilings, 8 foot cabinets. Plenty of feline room.