Restingmotion

  • Studio Time

    Poor studio.  Mostly ignored for the past six months except as a place to pile up hopes and dreams.  Those were too often disguised as ungainly piles of things.  

     

    WhatAMess

     

    The stairs were too steep to climb during the worst part of my cancer treatment.  Sometimes I would start out filled with hope only to become quickly overwhelmed.  There was the day all my energy was burned up sweeping piles of yarn, fabric, and patterns off the cutting and pressing tables and onto the floor.   What a mess that was!

     

    WhatAMess2

     

    All because I had been looking for the ball winder.  Of course, it had been right in front of me all along.

     

    I needed to wind yarn for a shawl, for a blanket.  I have been working on both of those since.  I have also been sorting through my closet, which had become what felt like a bottomless black hole of things that did not fit.  I lost 35 pounds during my cancer treatment.  My weight has been stable the last six weeks or so, but my dimensions are continuing to shift slightly as I gain energy and do more.  I need things to wear. I need to make things also, but there is no point in working too far into the future.  Already a pair of pants I purchased in September need to be altered.  This process of reaching a new normal will take months; I should not plan or work too far ahead.

    Stack

     

    This is the pile of things that are currently unwearable but are also workable.  It ended up being about a third of the closet contents.  It took me nearly a month to try on everything.  The process took so long, and was so exhausting that and a few garments, such as the above mentioned pants, started out in the "keep" pile, and eventually moved to alterations pile.

     

    Divided

     

    This past week, having finally gone through every drawer and hanger and shelf, having also donated boxes and bags of clothing, it was time for further analysis.  The contents of the chair were broken down into three piles: 

        1. Things that only need simple mending but otherwise work. (3 garments)

        2. Things that can be altered or slightly remade into wearable garments.

        3. Things to deconstruct and reuse — things that can be reconstructed into something new. 

     

    As you can see, piles 2 and 3 are about equal in size, and may in fact be somewhat fluid.    The simple mending pile includes two coats and a sweater.  Since it is now coat and sweater season, these will be the first things I tackle; they are also the easiest things to tackle.   By the time I get to piles 2 and 3, my perspective may well have evolved.  

     

    Already my perspective is evolving. Why give away or donate everything?  Even though I have a sizable stash of yarn and fabric, why give away clothes that no longer work when they can be made into something else?  Just because I purchased an expensive garment and wore it twice, why should I donate it? Is the silk worth using for something else? Why discard the worn? Why not mend?  I already have too much to actually suffer from living with less, but is there any reason I actually need more?  There are no real answers to these questions other than to wait, to play, to see what evolves.

     

    BlueberrySeason1

    In the meantime I have started on one simple mending/refinishing project.  This was not in the stacks above, but already in my stash.  I finished this sweater in April, after it was too warm to wear it.  But I did not like the way the front edges curled and felt it needed more stabilization. I spend occasional time over the summer thinking about what I would do, but never actually getting started.

     

    Border

     

    Now, I am ready.  Now my fingers are ready (almost) to hold a needle and sew in a petersham band along the inside front edge.  I actually don't know how this is going to work out, but it is worth a try.  My fingers still struggle with holding the fine needle, but each day I can sew a little more.  I always loved handwork and still do, even if I have grown slower and slower. 

     

    I will be back as studio time progresses.  2021 has not gone as hoped.  2022 may not either.  It is not the speed of accomplishment that matters, rather the fact that work, that play, that the urge to make remains.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Brave New World

    So much has happened in the last month I cannot even begin to catch up.  At the same time it is as if nothing has happened at all.  I am still here, in Knoxville, life still goes on, all is well.  It is a life of little excitement, and that is often all to the good.  But even that is ambiguous.  I am excited.  I am excited at small things, and increasing energy, at the ability to vacuum the cobwebs out of the corners of the ceilings and the light fixtures.  I am excited that the various piles of life, the things neglected, are less neglected now, and that energy grows steadily, in small increments.  The truth is that even joy takes energy.

     

    Garage

     

    Two weeks ago, well almost two weeks ago, I cleaned out the garage.  This took most of an afternoon and it was dark by the time I finished.  The box in the middle (green stripe) is now gone.  The pile of black things in the driveway also.  That was a floor-standing bike rack that worked in my apartment, but not in the garage because it is meant to lean against a wall and the floors of the garage slope slightly toward the center in order to drain any errant water that might find its way inside.  Sold.

     

    I abandoned the garage in the early summer.  Oh I walked through it to get to my car.  But it was filled with dirty shovels and bags of dirt, spills on the floor, cobwebs I hadn't the energy to tackle.  Mess and nature were taking over and this fed my own bitter inner voices.  How could I live here two years (almost 2 1/2 years now) and not yet have put up shelves, of organized the garage, have kept up with the mess?   My inner voices moved beyond gentle admonitions to chiding to shrieks of outrage and disappointment.  

     

    But wait.  I was in the middle of planting when suddenly I simply could not.  it was not a question of what I would rather do, but one of what I actually could do. The question was "do I lift this shovel from the floor?" "Do I sweep up this dirt?" Or do I use what small remaining bit of energy remains to drag myself up the steps and back into the house.  "Do I even have enough energy for that?"

     

    Wait!  I have lived here 2 1/2 years, but over 1 1/2 years of that time I have been dealing with other issues, health issues, energy issues, the push-pull of dreams versus the reality of limited energy.  It is time to cut myself some slack.   I can be happy with neat but not organized.  Yes, there is more that could be done.  The possibility of more always exists.  I have always been subject to the whims of "more is more", to gluttony, not just in having, but in doing.  I was trained from early childhood for a life of gluttony:  the gluttony of doing; of being;  the need to be "smarter than"; the push to be "more accomplished";  the drive to achieve. The call of "more" is yet another trap.

     

    Leak

     

    There have been other progresses.  The espresso machine started leaking.  It started leaking at the worst possible time, when my energy was low, when my brain was also trapped in a pit of molasses.  It could flood the kitchen cabinet between my first and second expresso if I grew roots in my chair, if I allowed too much time to elapse.  And then……. The flood and its aftermath would overwhelm my energy levels and send me back to bed, exhausted and coffee-less.  But this was but a small crisis, a crisis of luck and even privilege in a world of greater crises.

     

    Coffee Corner

     

    A month later the coffee corner is back in business.  The biggest source of the leak has been addressed, although there are still a few small adjustments to be made, as there are also a few small tweaks to be made adjusting the grind back to my normal house espresso grind after a month of grinding coffee much more coarsely.  I can live with tweaks.  To live is to master the need for constant tweaking of one's hold on reality.

     

    Some piles have simply been shifted to other piles, it is true.  

     

    I cleaned out my closet.  I dreaded going in there.  I didn't know what would fit, what would not.  I wore the same few garments over and over again, and I was happy with the cohort of limited choice.  But the closet still loomed.  In the last month it has all been addressed.  Everything, from undergarments to coats and everything in between has been tried on and divided up.  The standard divisions were strictly maintained: keep, donate,  mend or remake.  Surprisingly, it all came out pretty evenly. About 1/3 of the contents of my closet remains, although that is more heavily weighted toward shoes and accessories.  

     

    Stack

     

    Above is the pile of potentialities: things that need mending, things that can be altered or remade, things that show promise of transformation because the fabric or the yarn can be reused, reconfigured, reimagined.  Of course, in the immediate future this just means one more pile in the studio.

     

    I haven't sorted the studio out yet.  It remains more a house of dreams than a fully functioning work space, although I am beginning, just beginning, to work there again.  My hands itch at the prospect while simultaneously protesting as they struggle with fine motor skills.  Every day my hands and my head come a little closer together. Every day dreams and reality butt heads.  Every day the walls shift, even minutely. 

  • Short and To the Point

    Usually, I love bobbles.  I love sweaters with bobbles, not that I own any at the moment; I even love knitting bobbles.  That said a long row of forty-some odd bobbles did get a little tedious.  I didn't mind knitting them per se, but I can also admit that I prefer my bobbles scattered out across the body of a sweater rather than marching like soldiers along a solitary row.  At least I prefer not to knit the long row.

     

    ShalwographyDetail

     

    But the final result, that happy row of bobbles,  makes me smile.  

     

    The west knits shawl continues slowly, and I am in no particular rush.  I have seen some of the finished pictures; I feel no need to be surprised, am in fact content to know what is coming.  Life seems filled with more than enough surprises without deliberately adding more.  I also find that, despite my initial misgivings, I like my colors and they way they are playing out, even where the contrast is less obvious.  I think I will enjoy not only the knitting, but the wearing of the final shawl.

     

    Shawlography2.1

     

    Other than this, there is not a lot of knitting progress.  I knit every day.  But my energy is also returning and many things pull my attention away from knitting. There were a few days where that knitting might consist of three bobbles.  But at the moment I find that it is good not to define myself as a person who accomplishes things, a woman of projects, rather instead, just to occupy my own space and do what I will, be what I will.  How long that will last, I have no idea.  It is the antithesis to a lifetime of training. 

     

    I did spend about a week winding the yarn for a blanket project that is in the works.  That too was slow work as turning the ball winder was difficult on my hands as well.  Intermittent stiffness, tingling, even occasional pain, is just the backdrop to life however.  There are days I can do more, and days I can do less.  The point seems not to be bemoan what is not, but to celebrate the work of creation itself, to find new ways to work.

     

    BlanketSwatch

     

    The blanket is still more or less in the planning stage.  It will be modular.  I am knitting the first square, which is more or less a gauge swatch.  I have learned that very large swatches, knit over a period of days, are the only way I can adequately compensate for the variations in gauge due to the varying stiffness of my fingers.  I like the fabric that is being produced, and these larger, size US 10 1/2 needles, are easier when my fingers are more recalcitrant, but am not yet ready to tackle the math and finalize the design. 

     

    Winter is just around the corner.  A new shawl, and a new blanket for that matter, may be appreciated.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Shawlography and General Status Update

    I am a slow knitter.  There are times when my fingers are speedier than others; just as there are times when my attention is more focused on competition and finishing.  Neither of those options are in play at the moment, and I have decided I am ok with that.

     

    Last week I may not have been quite so sanguine; may have, in fact, been rather frustrated with myself.  Not that my frustration served to speed up my knitting. But I realized that, aside from a few brief moments of competitive spirit often sparked by necessity, I am simply not temperamentally so inclined.  There was a period where I took a class on techniques to speed my knitting, and I probably diligently practiced for about six months, only to decide that, although it was true that I finished more objects during that time, I really didn't care about speed, and the focus on knitting quickly was antithetical to the the meandering flow of thoughts and ideas, the purling of life which accompanies the purling of a different sort that is employed in knitting.  In short, there is a reason this blog is so named.

     

    I finally finished the first part of the shawlography KAL, just as the third clue was being released.  So, true, no speed here.  I have accommodated myself to the idea that I shall simply not win this race, and it doesn't really matter.  Only I will wear my shawl.  Only I will enjoy the knitting.  It is not as if this a last ditch effort to keep myself warm during the coming winter.  There is a definite sense of privilege that comes with modern life after all.

    Shawlography1

    I still have mixed feelings about my choice of colors, about whether or not I lined them up in the right order.  I say this even as I recognize that there is no "right" in this equation, and I do in fact like the way the shawl is turning out so far.   Whatever my choices, I have no idea what I will think of the finished shawl other than that I will have thoroughly enjoyed knitting it.  I am enjoying the knitting, even when my fingers are slow and I need to take frequent breaks, during those periods I can let my murmuring thoughts wend their own way.

     

    So there continues to be little to report in terms of knitting progress: I am currently only slightly into part two of the shawl, even though the fourth clue will be released this week.  I haven't yet finished winding the yarn for the alpaca blanket project, much less started swatching.  Nor have I seamed the raspberry confection cardigan.  Last weekend my fingers were still a little too stiff and tingly to easily manage a darning needle.  

     

    Instead I have been focusing on a grand closet sort and purge.  This is still in process as I am trying on everything I own from underpinnings to coats and everything in between. There are three large piles, so far about equal in size/volume:  1.  Things that fit, look good, and I can wear now.  2. Things that are in good shape and are being donated; these are for the most part too large although there are a couple of items that fit my body but not my sense of what I want to wear.  3. Things that can be altered, need mending, or in which the fabric or yarn  is nice and there is enough that I believe it can be reconfigured.  

     

    The third stack will probably shrink further as I look at the remaining clothes in my closet and start the process of thinking about what I actually need to fill in gaps so that everything I do own now has wearable companion pieces.  In short, no closet orphans will be allowed and the same will apply to the mended/altered garments.  What I knit/sew/alter will have to work with something already in my closet or fill a specific need, at least at the moment.  There is no point in fixing something if it cannot be worn with anything else in my closet.   This focus will shift as we move through winter and approach spring, because at the moment there is very little in my closet that can be worn next spring or summer.  But it is too soon to think about that now.

     

    The last part of the closet to be sorted are the sweater drawers, including hand-knits, so we will see what comes of that.  Everything must be analyzed, including recent knits.  There are moments I dream of sweaters I gave away because they had become much too small.  I could probably wear them now.  There are moments I put off trying on sweaters because I fear that everything I have knit recently will have to be pulled apart and started again.  Already there are two old cashmere sweaters that are slated to be ripped, the yarn washed and reknit. One is lightweight, probably fingering, yarn from the late 1990s.  I never actually wore that sweater much because as much as I loved it in an abstract sense, it was not then, and is not now, flattering. It is well past time to reclaim the yarn. The second is bulky weight cashmere, knit sometime between 2001 and 2005. It didn't get much wear after I moved to Knoxville, although I did wear it last year.  Now it is noticeably too large but I believe the yarn is still usable. A part of me wants to reknit the sweater exactly as is, in the same pattern, except that I don't seem to have any records of what I knit before I started this blog in 2005.  Of course this is exactly why I started the blog, to create my own knitting record, because notebooks and bits of paper tend to disappear  when left under my management.  

     

    The actual status of the yarn from these projects will be determined at the time I start to rip.  I have already lost one rediscovered sweater.  I wore it a couple of times in the fall, until it needed washing.  The sweater partially dissolved in the water and I was in tears.  At least I got to wear it a few times before we said goodbye. In retrospect, I think that giving things away has benefit.  I may miss something I gave away a long time ago, but I can also hope it had a good life and was loved by someone.  Better to be worn and used than to sit lifeless in a drawer. 

     

    Anyway, I will keep you updated.

     

  • September: Fiction Month

    September seemed to have been an "all fiction, all the time" month, although considering that many of the novels were light, it seems odd to me that I read only 11 books.  Nevermind. First the List:

     

    103.    Anuk Arudpragasam, A Passage North.

    104.    Ann Cleeves, Red Bones.

    105.    Lee Child, The Sentinel.

    106.     Ash Davidson,  Damnation Spring.

    107.     Annette Valentine, Sufficient Sacrifice.

    108.     Phillip Roth,  The Dying Animal.

    109.     Sally Rooney, Normal People.

    110.     Louise Penney, The Madness of Crowds.

    111.    D.E. Stevenson, Still Glides the Stream.

    112.    Lawrence Block, The Sins of the Fathers.

    113.    Lawrence Block, A Time to Murder and Create.

     

    Once again, I am going to attack the list in the order read. Surprisingly, all of the novels remain clear in my mind despite the fact that I often feel so tired that I feel like my brain has short-circuited, and I did not take extensive notes in my reading journal as I read. This was because for most of September my hands were not working well and I could not hold a pen. A keypad was also uncomfortable (and still can be) but I prefer my journaling with pen and paper, a setback that seems to have radically upset my life in ways I did not expect.

     

    But onto the books:

    I started the month planning to continue working my way through the Booker nominees.   But that plan fell by the wayside with the first book I selected, although beautiful, was too intensely philosophical and meditative for my mind to wrap itself around at that time, sick as I was following my final chemotherapy session.  It quickly became apparent that I needed lighter reading, something focused more on movement than introspection, and so began a month of wild swings in reading material.

     

    That first novel was Anuk Arudpragasam's A Passage North.   This is an intensely literary novel; there is very little action, there is no dialogue,  A young man in Columbo, Sri Lanka receives a phone call informing him of a death; he takes a long walk; he takes a long train ride; he observes the world around him and meditates on previous train rides, personal history, public history, the toll taken by war on those touched directly and those seemingly untouched in any obvious way.  It was all too intensively introspective at a time when I needed an escape from the inward gaze. 

     

    I would not recommend this book if you are looking for a clear-cut story line and easy answers. If you can tolerate beautiful, elegantly meditative prose that makes time and place feel very real, it may be book for you.  I stated that there is no real action in this novel, and yet, action and inaction are referenced constantly.  One begins to see a world through this young man's eye; one begins to feel like one is interacting with people otherwise unknown and, to most of us, unseen.  It is the story of culture, of trauma, of family, of yearning, of love, and of death.  With no direct story at all, Arudpragasam manages to reference a rather large story, a story that touches all of us in one way or another, celebrating those moments lost in fleeting thought, and somehow coalescing them into a rather poetic whole.  He accomplishes this in a very slow meditative way, without bashing the reader on the head, through seductively quiet prose.  It is not a novel this reader could pick up and read straight through.  In fact I am convinced that this is a novel savored slowly, in increments, allowing its qualities to slowly percolate into our thoughts.  I will probably write about it again at the end of the second reading, and this book is worth reading twice, as is the case for all truly good books.

     

    My reading of Arudpragasam was interrupted by Ann Cleeves' third Shetland Mystery, Red Bones, which serendipitously showed up just when I needed it from my library wait list.  This story takes place on the island of Whalsay, where Sandy Wilson has returned home for a visit.  While he is home his grandmother is shot and an investigation begins.  As usual the landscape is its own character in this story.  I have never been to the Shetland Islands, but the story had me yearning for cold foggy mornings, wind, and the contrast between bitter chill and warm fires.  No, it is never as nice as imagined. The story was also interesting because Jimmy Perez is somewhat at loose ends in this novel.  Fran Hunter is down in London and he can't stop missing her and thinking about her, and he finds himself oddly out of his depth on Whalsey, despite being Shetland-born.  Perez is an astute observer of people, but he doesn't know this place or its history, Sandy grew up here, but like many a youth, he drifted through much of the family drama, letting it slip past his own self-absorbed haze.   Sandy begins to grow up and come into his own in this novel, begins to take more responsibility rather than just seemingly drifting through life, and Jimmy also seems to mature, to begin to reach past his insecurities, to see and accept the need for assistance and working relationships that initially seemed elusive.  I am looking forward to the next installment.

     

    Next up was The Sentinel, a Lee Child/Andrew Child collaboration and the next in the Reacher series.  I found it thoroughly entertaining.  I love the way the fight scenes are described, the physics of it, even though I personally abhor the urge to fight or harm others.  I was happy to avoid the rather predictable sex scenes.  This Reacher was slightly different.  He spoke more.  He spent more time in active, at least as described to the reader, thought.  As a chronic over-thinker, one of the things that appeals to me about the Reacher character is that he does not spend loads of time mulling over the options; I appreciate the essential contradiction of his nature, — either seemingly completely at rest and quiet (easily under appreciated) or explosively taking action.  Still, the character was familiar and the book enjoyable.  Reacher is still Reacher; the man and his code appear intact and I will continue to read.

     

    The next book, Damnation Spring, by Ash Davidson, had a bit more meat.  And yet I struggled.  This is a very ambitious debut novel centering around a family in a Northern California logging community in the late 1970s and the story takes place over the course of about a year.  This is where it also bogs down on occasion.  There is so much here, technical information about the physical act of logging and great detail about the lives of the logging community.  This is a community that is being torn apart, trapped between the conservationists who want to preserve the redwoods, and the entire corporate industrial side of the logging structure which is basically unseen but is represented by the spray which the companies use to cut down on the undergrowth and make the logging possible.  We see the complexity of the issue, of loggers whose families have been in this community, doing this work, for generations, men who both love the forest and also take pride in the work they do, in the pressures of a world that demands more and more lumber and places ever increasing pressure on both the environment and the loggers themselves, men who are trapped in a system completely outside their control.  When the community  learns they are being poisoned by the very spray they are told is safe and which makes their work possible, they are almost torn apart.  The incomprehensibility of it, that a company and a government would intentionally spray chemicals that harmed the workers, is palpable, as is the anger,  the fear, and the push-back, because this is a community with nowhere to go.  This goes on and on, as if the author is slowly, meticulously, building a bed on which the fallen tree can land once she lands it.  I appreciated the information and yet 400 pages are spent in this complexly interlayered preparation.  When the giant redwood that is this story falls, it falls quickly, almost too quickly. I found the novel to be mostly compelling, the primary characters Rich and Colleen to be well drawn, realistic and memorable.  I drew them into my heart.  And yet there were sections where the book was painfully slow, where the words and the stories seemed like more vines and low growing brush that needed to be cut away; I felt the ending, although beautiful and powerful, was slapped on and not well integrated into the story.  I understand the idea of the structure, or at least my interpretation of the structure, but I felt the story bogged down simply in having too much to say. But these are minor quibbles, Damnation Spring is a powerful novel with characters who ring true, characters who might find their way into your heart and make you reconsider what you thought you knew.

     

    Sufficient Sacrifice is the third of a series of novels by Annette Valentine about her father.  I read all three books for a book club, and I have struggled with all three to one extent or another.  Oddly, this is the volume I struggled with the least. I read the first volume, Eastbound From Flagstaff in February, and as I mentioned I found the writing a bit sanctimonious, lacking in flow with too much detail about small points, little character development and obvious and awkward transitions, but I did find the story interesting enough that I wanted to see how everything turned out.   Our group next read the second book in the series, Down to the Potter's House, and I wrote about it in March.  It was one of two books that earned a flight rating, meaning I did not finish it and wanted nothing more than to throw it against a wall.   Despite all this I read the third book, although I will admit that I skimmed sections.  I struggled with the same issues concerning the prose, but I found the story a bit more compelling here.  This book seemed to come from a core emotional place that I found in the first book of the series, and talking to the author later, this was indeed the case.    The author was obviously trying to write about and express something deeply personal, there was a deep vulnerability that surfaced, despite the prose, and I am glad that I read the book, even though I would not read it again and am really not sure I would even recommend it. 

     

    Then the next two books were read for my other book club, and I am going to write about them together, even though in many ways they would seem to be at odds.  First of all, I can say that I had read Sally Rooney's Normal People previously, and although this was the first time I had read The Dying Animal, I had read other novels by Roth, including previous David Kepesh novels.  The books were chosen following a discussion revolving around an opinion essay which ran in The NY Times on September 3, "What's Wrong with Sex Between Professors and Students" (link here).   The Roth novel was referenced in the article as one example of the dynamic and its problems, and the group had also been discussing reading Rooney's novel, which seemed a bit of a stretch, although it does include university students and sex.  

     

    In the end I felt the novels played off each other nicely and both had deep and powerful statements to make about humans as sexual beings, gender equality and politics, human relationships and how we develop or fail to develop, even what is "normal".  And yes, Roth addresses this as well.  I was less convinced that the Roth novel related to the article in question on anything more than a superficial level.

     

    We didn't all read the Roth; several found it offensive.  Well it is, isn't it?  But that is one of the things I find fascinating, and brilliant, about Roth, the way he can write something so deliberately offensive, misogynistic, shallow, selfish, frivolous even, and yet, if you can let yourself get beyond your rising bile, you find that it is a novel of powerful depth.  This slim, apparently self indulgent novel is filled with literary and cultural allusions. In fact one could argue that it is not misogynistic at all except for that fact that humans are animals and sexual ones at that, men and women alike. I was also impressed by the parallels between Roth and Rooney in that they are both deeply examining human psyche as it relates to human development, becoming mature, sex, and heterosexual relationships.  If anything I think we tended to dismiss Roth as shallow and crude.  Neither am I convinced that we really explored the depth of Rooney.  Yes we have two lonely teenagers; yes one of them gets drawn into self destructive relationships, but she also grows beyond that, and most of the women in this novel do not grow between adapting/wanting/changing to please a man.  Rooney uses stereotypes as a tool, much the way Roth is using sex. Like the Roth novel, it can be easy to dismiss the Rooney as a relationship novel about young adults, to distance oneself from the main characters, when it is really so much more than that. I was constantly amazed at the parallels between the relationships in the two novels.  I definitely have to read the Roth again.  And I would still like a long conversation about all these issues over wine or whiskey. Takers?

     

    And then I finished out the month with lighter fare.  First up was Louise Penney's 17th Inspector Ganache novel, The Madness of Crowds, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Penney's choice to make this post-pandemic, was optimistic as most readers are probably still mired in it, at least initially, but I don't begrudge this.  It had to be dealt with.  And she brings up many of the questions that have been on people's mind, the uncertainties, the fears, and even how easy it is to take information and draw incorrect and/or inhumane conclusions, to sway a population that lives in fear.  This novel was on the darker end of the Ganache novels, but still not horribly dark, and all ends peacefully again in Three Pines. 

     

    I downloaded D.E. Stevenson's Still Glides the Stream when it turned up for free on my kindle simply because I have a friend who loves Stevenson's novels.  I was not thrilled with the first one I read, but felt that the author deserved another chance.  The novel was sweet and completely predictable.  I pretty much knew the story line, the plot, and how everything would turn out  by the end of the first chapter or two. The characters did not develop in anything but predictable ways.  I can see how this could be comforting for some, like watching an old favorite movie again and again, but I did not find there was enough wit or meat to hold my attention and I am not inclined to pursue the author further.  Still it was a cozy way to curl up for an hour or two and escape the world.

     

    The last two novels were by Lawrence Block who wrote the Bernie Rhodenbarr series which I love.  I have never read any of his other novels but know people who love Matthew Scudder, so I thought I would give them a try.  I rather enjoyed The Sins of the Fathers. It was well written, entertaining enough, and Scudder looked promising even though he was obviously going through a rough time.  I was less thrilled with the second novel, A Time to Murder and Create.  Scudder's alcoholism is obviously getting the better of him in this novel and he makes stupid decisions; in fact I was simply grateful he didn't get himself knocked off.  I do know that he will eventually clean up, and the character looks somewhat promising, but I remain on the fence about whether I will take this any further.

     

    There you have it, September from the land of books.  October has been relatively light, reading wise.  I have finished two books; I have four books currently in process and a week left in the month.  I do not know how far I will get, at the moment I feel pulled in too many directions. What about you?

     

     

  • Branching Out

    The concert season has begun again.  I missed the first symphony concert; it was too close to my last chemo and I was still feeling too vulnerable to sit in a concert hall filled with people, even masked vaccinated people.  My immune system was still too fragile.  It still is fragile, but growing stronger and I have been venturing out more.  It is necessary.  Isolation is a deadly as disease.  Even for a basically introverted person like myself, there can come a point when life becomes too small, too isolated, when one becomes disconnected.  I've been wanting to sell everything and flee, become nomadic, and I realize this is not about anything really but my own need to begin regaining a life outside the small confines of health issues and pandemics and various whatnots that have making me feel constrained, and that running never solves anything because the frustrations we are trying to escape are always the ones that are glued most deeply to our psyches.

    Daikon Curry

    There were two chamber music concerts within a few days of each other actually.  The first, my first concert of this season, was the Knoxville Chamber Classics and it featured two works that had been transcribed for a chamber orchestra.  The first was Jessie Montgomery's Strum, a work I heard performed by the Providence String Quartet in its original, cello quintet, version.  I have also heard it in quartet form but failed to record the specifics of when, where, or by whom.  But that was many years ago, and I understood from the program that not only has the quartet been revised, but that Montgomery had also arranged a string-orchestra version, which is what we heard on October 3rd.  The piece was still charmingly familiar and delightfully performed, the pizzicato strumming providing texture to musical themes reminiscent of sparkling flashes of light washing through the room.    Quite a joyous way to return to concert listening.

    CarrotSoup

    The second familiar piece made new was Tchaikovsky's String Quartet No. 1, which had been arranged by Christopher Theofanidis for chamber orchestra.   The quartet itself is a beloved piece that I know quite well, and although I may have been a tad cautious, there was no need.  The transcription itself was beautifully done, and Theofandis deft use of the woodwind section to add texture and melodic richness to the strings was brilliant.  The second movement, which is particularly poignant when well performed was particularly well written, and brilliantly performed, leaving me on the verge of tears.

    Cucumber with Shallot

    Three nights later a smaller ensemble performed in the concertmaster series at the Knoxville Museum of Art.  The first half of the program was brilliant, with William Shaub on violin and Kevin Class on piano.  Although I loved every piece and sat on the edge of my seat, lost in the music, I was particularly taken by the two works by Fritz Kreisler, and yes, not that long ago I would have thought I would never write such words.  Kreisler is not my favorite composer.  Heretofore I would said he leans too heavily toward schmaltz, but now I also wonder how much of that is expectation in interpretation.   Shaub revealed crisp melodies warmth and an emotional depth I did not anticipate, without any of the dreaded schmaltz.    The second half of the evening was filled with the Mendelssohn String Quintet No. 2 in B-flat.  I felt the third movement, where the first violin takes a strong melodic lead and the ensemble played with a responsiveness that felt like it was leaning more toward a symphonic temperament than traditional chamber form, was particularly effective and beautifully played. 

    Zucchini

    What a relief and joy these concerts were to my soul, and they have at least temporarily stalled my dreams of flight behavior, but as I said that is not a statement of anything definite or permanent, just a reactionary phase to the intense changes of the last year.  

    Red Cabbage

    Also, slowly but surely, because I needed to get beyond just functioning, I have started playing in the kitchen again.  Oh I needed to eat, and I cooked in a functional sense, in that I put food on my plate.  But starting in September I also felt the urge to start trying new things again.    I rejoined a cookbook club on Facebook, one I had participated in a couple of years back, and started trying a few new recipes from their September book, which I got from the local library Cook With Me by Alex Guarnaschelli, and trying a few things that had been languishing in my own files, or in other cookbooks that have been collecting dust on the shelves.  Scattered throughout this post are photos from my experiments.  Most were not a full dinner — I did not often have that much energy.  But the energy spent in cooking filled a creative vacuum, one that was particularly sharp as there was a period where my hands were not up to knitting or needlework. 

    Chicken Parm

    Shown are the following:

    • Daikon Curry; recipe from Saveur Magazine.
    • Chilled Carrot Soup from Cook with Me.
    • Chili-Mint Sautéed Cucumbers from The Broad Fork by Hugh Acheson.
    • Grilled Zucchini and Charred Pepper Salad from Cook with Me.
    • Spice Ruby Red Cabbage Steak from Cook With Me.
    • Chicken Parmesan from Cook with Me.
    • Halibut Braised in Ginger Lemongrass Broth from In the Hands of a Chef by Jody Adams.

     

    Halibut

    My most recent musical outing was to attend the Met Live broadcast of Boris Godunov last Saturday.  On a screen, not a stage in front of me, but fabulously well done.  It is one of my favorite operas, and at least a part of that is the way that the opera is both intimate and epic, the way it takes on grand themes of Russian history in a really rather complex, and complexly moving narrative with great music too boot. Seeing that performance had me dreaming of opera again, although I realize I am not an opera lover per se.  I love opera, but don't love opera for its own sake, and the music has to be as good as the performance.  I am fortunate to live in a town with three opera companies, although I only attend the performances of two of those organizations: the smaller one and the university based one. I do not attend the performances of the third because I find their performances bore me to tears.  In short, I am still, perhaps always, coming to terms with my own bias and expectations; I am spoiled, and my inner critic tends to get the last word. I actually don't seek perfection, it is not all its cracked up to be, better a spectacular failure in a daring attempt than boring blandness any day.  But this is true not just of music, or art, or anything really, including my own successes and failures, or perceived successes and failures, and finding some balance between head and heart is a complex and never ending struggle.  Sometimes I think the reality is exactly the opposite of whatever we perceive it to be, blinded as we are by our own history.

    Dishoom

    I haven't yet started cooking from this month's book, Dishoom by Shamil and Kavi Thakrar and Navid Nasir, although I have been happily reading the extensive text and dreaming.  Primarily I have been too tired to take on the recipes, although I hope to make something before the month ends.   I am slow-roasting the spices for their version of Garam Masala, which is different than the version I have made for years, as I write this, so there is hope for Indian food exploration soon.  I still need to make a trip to the Indian grocery. Why have these simple tasks taken on such weight?  No, no, please don't tell me.

     

    More cooking? Or is some other stone waiting to be unturned?

  • Bits: Large and Small

    Hello October, already almost half gone.

     

    Recovery has taken me longer than I had hoped, and there was some period of sitting and staring as I realized that this will be a process that will take months and months. This was a thing I knew intellectually, I can recite back the statistics, but which hadn't fully embedded itself into my emotional resilience reservoir, that part which was still thinking that "done" meant normal.  Ha.  Anyway, now I am ready to move onward, realizing full well, that there may yet be several more molting seasons ahead.

     

    > Slowly, slowly, activities resume.  I am knitting, not always as much as I might prefer.  I am slowly becoming a little more ambitious in the kitchen.  I have found my way back up to my studio, although most of my efforts there so far remain knitting and yarn related. Baby steps.

     

    Raspberry Sleeve

     

    > The second sleeve to the raspberry confection cardigan is almost finished; I shall finish knitting it today.  The photo above was taken yesterday morning, when I was about half-done.   19 rows, in the sleeve cap, remain. I will finish the actual knitting today, although knitting is still slow.  Whether or not I actually manage to get it pinned out for blocking today or tomorrow will depend on many things.  However, it will be done, as I do want to finish this sweater; I want to wear it and I am determined that it will be ready when the weather cools enough to make that feasible. 

     

    Shawlography2bestColor

     

    > The Stephen West Shawlography KAL has started and I am very eager. I watched the first clue and am eager to start, but I also had to finish those sleeves first, competing desires, erratic energy levels, and all that.    I did manage to wind the yarn into cakes.  That killed my right (dominant) hand for a day, the neuropathy again and some other pinched nerve issues, or something, due to the positioning of my arms for radiation therapy.  That is yet another issue to be dealt with. But I will at least begin this week, before the next clue comes out. 

     

    Sunday into Monday I also managed to knit a gauge swatch with the shawl yarn, so I know that I will love knitting with the yarn, and that I am able to knit on size 4 needles again.  I will be happy to be knitting with a yarn that is mostly wool, without the slipperiness of silk.  A month ago, knitting with a size  6 needle was too painful to bear, so this is progress, even though it continues to amaze me since generally, at least until the last six months, I have preferred knitting with small needles.

     

    >I am still winding yarn — yarn for a blanket project.  I can only wind a few skeins at a time so this is a multi-day project. The blanket will be knit in Plymouth Baby Alpaca Grande on larger needles, so it will provide relief for both fingers and for those days when my brain is simply too tired to follow shawl directions. Alternating projects with widely differing needle sizes and complexity is good therapy. Both projects are fun and anticipated but neither has a fixed deadline. Until I can resolve the issue with numbness and weakness in my right arm, knitting, and perhaps needlepoint or embroidery, once I regain a little more fine motor control, remain my best options.

     

    SummerSunset1

     

    > And, in another reversal of direction, I have come to terms with the baggy Summer Sunset tee, which I wore yesterday with the yellow chinos seen in the above photo.  I had already realized there was room for adaptation:  

    • Part of the issue was simply wardrobe related.  Wearing clothes is obviously necessary, but clothes that fit, and somehow clothes that fit the person I am in late 2021, both physically and emotionally, is much like piecing together a puzzle. 
    • The sweater is linen so it will soften with wear and with washing.
    • In knitting the armhole trim, I intentionally drew the arm openings up but I could in fact release those stitches and make the opening looser, and more vest-like instead of tee-like.   

    So far, a few passes through the washing machine, and a pair of chinos that actually fit, for the moment at least, have made a tremendous difference.  I still have another 10 pounds to knock off, although I would be perfectly happy if that took months instead of weeks at this point.  But I can learn to adapt through whatever process. 

     

    Hopefully regular updates again soon.

     

     

  • August Books

    I have been fighting with this blog post for over two weeks. That is not all I have been fighting, but a strict accounting is irrelevant to anything. Suffice it to say the best I can do simply is not enough right at the moment.  We all fall into these periods on occasion.   Today, I am determined to get at least this one thing done, this one thing outside of my two naps and my radiation session and pulling together adequate nutrition.  All of that makes for a rather busy day.

    In August I read 13 books.  Here is the list:

     

    90. Paul Fussell:  Class, A Guide through the American Status System.

    91. Victor Krachenko:  I Chose Freedom.

    92. Sue Monk Kidd:  The Book of Longings.

    93. David Brooks:  Bobos in Paradise.

    94. Elizabeth Curid- Halkett:  The Sum of Small Things

    95. Naomi Hirahara:  Summer of the Big Bachi.

    96. Ann Cleeves:  White Nights.

    97. Matt Haig:  The Midnight Library.

    98. Zora Neale Hurston:  Hitting a Straight Lick With A Crooked Stick.

    99. David A. Price:  Geniuses at War.

    100. Nadifa Mohamed:  The Fortune Men.

    101. James Baldwin:  Going to Meet The Man

    102. Lucy Foley: The Hunting Party.

     

    The first three books,  Class,  Bobo in Paradise and The Sum of Small Things were all rereads prompted by a discussion with a friend who was be bemoaning the loss of the class system of her youth.  I thought her understandings were somewhat off base, not necessarily completely in regards to the class structure of mid-twentieth century America but to shifts in play since that time. This is irrelevant to our friendship of course, and I was mostly rereading not to continue an argument, but in order to reconsider and refine my own thoughts.  I was in the midst of my reading when David Brooks' reconsideration of his own thesis, How the Bobos Broke America came out in the August Atlantic Magazine.  The article was promptly shared between one circle of friends and further discussion ensued.   I might have been thinking of a blog post, but decided I had little more to contribute on that subject, and I agree with many of Brooks' points.  In some ways I think he is kinder to the Bobos, and I say this seeing myself as very much a part of this tribe, than I myself would be.  Still, I am glad to have reread and reconsidered.  

     

    I read two other non-fiction books.  Victor Krachenko was a Soviet Official who defected to the United States in 1944 and later wrote a book, I Chose Freedom about his life in the Soviet Union.  I read it because Kravchenko lived through some of the famines and issues discussed in the novel I read in July, Child 44. I believe the book was a best-seller at the time and I can see how the information that Kravchenko revealed about the Soviet Union was new and shocking.  Even though we know much more today, I still found the book interesting, and at times surprising, although I was perhaps equally surprised by young Victor's naïveté as by some of the more brutal and calculated abuses.  The book was indeed interesting, but not necessarily one of my favorite books.  Worth checking out for anyone interested in that particular period/subject.

     

    The other non-fiction book Geniuses at War by David A. Price was indeed fascinating.   Price tells the story of the codebreaking efforts that went on at Bletchley Park and the impact these efforts had on the Allies ultimate success in World War II.  It is a fascinating book, although at times the reading may be a bit technical for some.  Price puts the work of Turing and others into context and tells the story of how Turing's work was leveraged into the world's first digital computer, Collosus, yes, at Bletchley Park.  I found it to be a compelling story of brilliant but also flawed people working under incredible pressure, people whose story is not often enough told.

     

    Everything else I read was fiction.  I am not going to separate out literary versus commercial fiction as I always struggle with these distinctions.  I am interested in what I think is good and what I enjoy, and the categories we create don't often correlate with what survives and what doesn't (most doesn't anyway).  Many of what we consider "great" novels today were definitely looked down upon as commercial in their own day.  But that is only a small part of why I chafe at these distinctions.  But I am too tired to explore this in greater detail, just as I may also be too tired to discuss the books themselves well.  Therefore a simple linear accounting will have to suffice.

     

    I loved Sue Monk Kidd's The Book of Longings, which tells the story of Ana, the wife of Jesus. Yes, it is that same Jesus, although Kidd mostly focuses her story peripherally to the one told in the gospels, the story of two people before his ministry began, of Ana's life, lived separately, during the period of ministry.   I thought the story was well told, I liked the character development, and that it remained mostly on the fringes of the more famous story.  I like that Kidd uses an actual document from the time, one earthed in the Nag Hamadi Library and tells the story of an educated woman who could read and write in a time when we know there were women who were both literate and literary, even if they may not have been common.  I thoroughly enjoyed the story.

     

    The Summer of the Big Bachi is a mystery and the first in a series revolving around accidental sleuth Mas Arai.  But what I really liked about the novel was the dialogue and dialect, the exploration of a sense of culture and place that is foreign to me.  I am not sure the plot is the main draw here; the appeal was of being immersed in another culture and growing to to appreciate someone life might appear to fit expectations in once sense, and yet was completely foreign and more complex than imagined.  I grew fond of the old gardener.

     

    White Nights is the second of Ann Cleeves' Shetland Island mysteries, a series I am thoroughly enjoying.  Jimmy Perez is really beginning to come into his own, and has much more confidence in himself and control over this investigation than in the first volume. Once again Inspector Taylor from the mainland arrives to lead the investigation, but he quickly becomes rather peripheral to the case. Perez is an astute observer and the story well told.  I will be happy to continue this series.

     

    I thought Matt Haig's The Midnight Library was shallow, predictable, done so much better elsewhere.  Haig does an adequate job with parallel lives and with exploring the idea that changing one's life, with wishing one had made different decisions only to learn that those decisions had repercussions that were not necessarily what one might have anticipated. Despite this, I felt it lacked depth and characterization, as if it was capitalizing on a particular moment in time, a particular trend, but adding little to the conversation.  I found it terribly trite.

     

    Two sets of short stories were both fabulous:  Zora Neale Hurston's Hitting a Straight Lick with a Crooked Stick and James Baldwin's Going to Meet the Man.  I never was a reader of short stories; that may be changing.  Both collections are a mixed bag; some stories are stronger than others but most of them are also beautifully written and brilliantly astute about human nature.  Both writers can shock the reader with the profundity of their insight.

     

    Nadifa Mohamed's novel The Fortune Men is based on the true story of a murder that took place in Cardiff in 1952, a murder in which the wrong man was imprisoned and the true murderer was never found.  It is a compelling tale filled with richly drawn and even compassionate characters, with a fabulous sense of place. and the complex relationships of a multiglot society filled with a mingling of races, religions, cultures, and attitudes both old and new.  The author captures a sense of community, a sense of hope.  The jarring disconnect between the abiding faith many of the African and Caribbean immigrants have in the British system, in its presumed justice, and the endemic fear and racism which still lie beneath the surface still haunts.  It is a powerful and moving book, a book that has since made the Booker Prize shortlist.  Well recommended.

     

    Lastly, I read Lucy Foley's The Hunting Party. I read this because I had enjoyed Foley's more recent closed-room mystery, The Guest List,  and liking the genre, thought I would give this one a try.  This one is not quite as tightly developed, but it is still very enjoyable with beautiful writing and astute psychological development.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Farewell to a project

    Where does the time go?  I would have said that I did not knit for a few days but in retrospect it was probably more likely a couple of weeks.  My fingers got more tingly and painful not less.  I suppose that was to be expected with the last chemo, cumulative misery and all that.  At least I am getting better now, and there is knitting in my hands.

     

    So, as you can surmise, there is not yet much to report.  Not even one sleeve has yet been finished for the Raspberry Confection cardigan, although I had such great hopes.

    Tool Bag

    Let me then distract you with other things.  On the good news front, I have a new bag for my knitting tools.  It is a little bigger than the bag I was using before, which will prove useful.  I love it in all its felted sheepy goodness.

     

    And then there is a disappointment; that is perhaps the bigger news.

    Dissapointing Sunset

    Say farewell to the summer sunset sweater.   I finished this last December.  It was never really worn.  Don't ask me why I didn't wear it in the spring, I have no answer.  I only know that I attempted to wear it last week and my efforts were met with disappointment

     

    In retrospect looking at the finished measurements of the sweater, I probably should have made the smallest size, (I made the medium) but I doubt it would have made much difference in terms of my disappointment level, it still would have been far too large, the small would have 10 inches of positive ease.    At that time I knit this, I was 30 pounds heavier than I am now, and even though the medium was oversized, it did not have 10" of positive ease, even though there is more than that now.  Currently I feel like a child playing dress up in her mother's closet.

     

    I do realize that in the small photo inset, I am wearing the top with wide cropped chinos, which may not be the best look.  I thought of trying it with narrow pants and a turtleneck, in hopes for future wear, but the results were no more promising. 

     

    I realize however now, that although I do not mind sweaters with positive ease, and like a long skimming columnar look; I am not fond of sweaters that are boxy and oversized through the shoulders.  This project was probably doomed to failure from the beginning.  I would have been happier with a sweater in a slightly different shape, perhaps fitted through the shoulders, with a short sleeve. It could be boxy below the armscye.  But somehow my understanding of this aspect of my sense of style, of what I am comfortable wearing, did not click until recently. I struggled with why some sweaters got constant wear and others languished.  Although some part of me knew the problem, it still didn't really click in my head.  There is something about the purging of the chaff of life that brings clarity.

     

    The question now is whether I am going to simply give this sweater away as is or unravel it.  I thoroughly enjoyed knitting it, and have no regrets on that front.  I will not reknit this sweater in a smaller size, but I could use the yarn for another project.  Or will I?  Perhaps it is sometimes best to let the adventures of the past remain there, in the past and move on.  

    Back to The Future 3

    I am somewhat concerned that some more recently finished sweaters will also be too big.   I am 20 pounds lighter than I was when I finished the Back to the Future cardigan in June.  Abigail, shown above however, is closer to my current weight and the cardigan is looser on her than it was on me. My weight has been stable the last three weeks, neither up nor down, but I am still in treatment, and I would like to lose another 5 pounds, maybe 15, but only at whatever rate I can manage in order to keep it off.  I will also be happy to stay where I am now, which still may require more re-knitting than I am prepared to accept today.  In a month or more the idea may well have settled in. Although every old and beloved sweater in my closet will not be ripped, I will rip out that lovely cashmere and reknit Back to the Future. I want to wear this cardigan, and I suppose it is a good thing that I have given myself time to accommodate myself to that particular future development.

  • Another Three

    The fronts of Raspberry Confection are on the blocking board and I have started on the sleeves.  Progress is slow.  My fingers are very tingly and/or numb and this makes knitting lace a bit tricky.  I am contemplating putting them aside for a week and working on something else.

     

    Raspberry Confection 2

     

    I signed up for Stephen West's Mystery Knit-a-long and the yarn I ordered arrived.  I am always happy when I choose colors online and I actually like them in real life.  I have never done one of these before but I am looking forward to it.

     

    Shawlography2bestColor

     

    Modern Daily Knitting's new field guide also arrived (and I swear I thought I had that photo lined up straight).  I am not yet sure I am actually going to knit any of the projects but already it is inspiring various imaginary wanderings.

     

    Marls

     

    Have a good weekend.