Yesterday was the third, and last, day without power as the electricians finished up the job of rewiring the house.
One job down; even if I didn't have to do anything other than write the check and keep everyone calm while the work was being done, I still can claim some sense of accomplishment.
I have had a lot of things on "my list" for this year, but what I didn't actually have until this past week was an actual list. I had vague instructions in my head, the kind of thing that really gets one nowhere but depressed, things like "clean up the yard", "deal with stuff" and "get your life back". And I realized, as I engaged in an internal rant about people who tell me this is too much work or that is too much work or I should do x or y, that I pretty much got myself into this mess and now I need to dig myself out of it. It is true that I simply wasn't dealing with my life, and I let it pile up, it is part of who I am, this emotional investment in my immediate family and surroundings, not that there isn't a downside, as I can pretty much shut down when the emotional turbulence reaches a certain point. But going somewhere smaller or just somewhere else doesn't solve the problem if part of the problem is me.
So I made a list. Immediately I felt better. And I've knocked a good many things off that list although it is still over 8 pages long and not all the items are easily done in a few moments time. But there are easier tasks and harder tasks, and there are mindless tasks and tasks that are good for those times when I need to blow off steam or something. There are tasks for days which seem run like a broken phonograph record, skipping and repeating the same few notes over and over, and there are tasks for days where concentration is high.
I no longer feel overwhelmed because I know what I have to do, and I accept that I cannot control anything, at least I accept that I can control some things but not most things. Today I accept this; I can't really promise that I will stay in such good rational humor every hour of every single day.
Best of all, encouraged by all my recent progress, I treated myself to new shoes, and they arrived yesterday. They are pretty shoes, classic, so I can justify them in my warped brain, even as I acknowledge that work boots are really all that my current life requires. Although they will go with quite few things in my wardrobe, they were purchased to go with a particular skirt. I suppose that means it is time to do some more sewing.
Comments
10 responses to “New List, New Attitude, New Shoes”
Those shoes are sexy – and chic! And I love the colour – chestnut. Not often you see shoes like this.
Those shoes are sexy – and chic! And I love the colour – chestnut. Not often you see shoes like this.
No need to rationalize. I can see that you need and deserve those shoes. They are gorgeous!
No need to rationalize. I can see that you need and deserve those shoes. They are gorgeous!
I agree, you don’t often see shoes like this in this color. I love lists. Actually what I love is crossing things off lists. Sometimes it is as easy as “buy nails”, then other times “new garage door.” But when it is all mixed up there is no saying things must be done in order, and when you cross off a particularly big thing it is so nice, and sometimes you can just mark it off and act like it is just another member of the list, but deep inside you KNOW that it was a biggie… am I making sense? I love lists. K
I agree, you don’t often see shoes like this in this color. I love lists. Actually what I love is crossing things off lists. Sometimes it is as easy as “buy nails”, then other times “new garage door.” But when it is all mixed up there is no saying things must be done in order, and when you cross off a particularly big thing it is so nice, and sometimes you can just mark it off and act like it is just another member of the list, but deep inside you KNOW that it was a biggie… am I making sense? I love lists. K
A very new color on a classic pair of shoes. So nice! I don´t write lists. I have a certain section in my head that constantly updates my chore list. Maybe a list written on paper would be easier, you could even through it away ; )
A very new color on a classic pair of shoes. So nice! I don´t write lists. I have a certain section in my head that constantly updates my chore list. Maybe a list written on paper would be easier, you could even through it away ; )
Those are some cracking beautiful shoes.
Those are some cracking beautiful shoes.