Sometimes letting go of the little things can be as hard as, if not harder than, letting go of the big things.
Take something simple, like my wallet. This wallet was not old, I bought it 3 years ago, and it was still in good shape. I still love it, I love the soft blue leather, the caress of the leather in my hand, the feel of the woven leather — intrecciato — it is called. But now it is too small.
Funny that, I bought the blue wallet to replace a red wallet that was too large. Perhaps I should have kept the red one in the wings, in anticipation of this day. But when I bought the blue wallet I couldn't imagine needing more than 8 card slots. In fact I already thought I was heading into dangerous territory, expanding from the small card case that I had used as a wallet for years.
But my life in Knoxville is different than my former life. And I carry more cards. I would slide them into the various open pockets, only to have them fall out and bounce around on the floor whenever I opened my wallet. This is really not so good. It was time for a change.
When my mom was here in November, I admired the convenience of her Vera Bradley wallet. I had never imagined myself using a Vera Bradley wallet. I thought they were pretty but for "other" women, not for rmyself. Mom went home and her wallet slipped out of active memory until an episode that occurred about a week ago. I was standing at the counter at some store or another, it doesn't really matter where, and as I was paying for my purchases, I turned my wallet over and a few credit cards fell on the floor. This wasn't the first time this had happened. It wasn't the first time I was frustrated with my wallet. But it was the first day that I was willing to acknowledge that it was time to stop avoiding change.
So I went shopping. I knew Vera Bradley was an option, but I made a noble effort, searching out various other options first. Cracking through ancient biases can be tough work. But I didn't find anything I liked that had at least 12 slots, where the leather was soft and buttery, that was convenient to use. Vera fit the bill. Well, except for the bit about buttery soft leather. It holds my cards, the ones I use all the time and the ones I use less often. There is a place for coins, and bills, and receipts. I can even put my cell phone in it if I want to use it as a clutch.
Yes, I would love to have a beautiful leather wallet in a color that is not black. Saint Laurent may make one, but I haven't seen it in the flesh, only in pictures. Bottega Veneta makes a new one with 20 slots! But I don't need a fancy wallet. The truth is this wallet fits my life now. Most days I run around carrying Gray Baggellini bag that will hold my knitting, or my books for class, or whatever I need to drag around with me, a bag that is not to pretentious to wear with jeans, a bag that works with plaid sneakers. That old blue wallet was simply out of place. Besides the new one coordinates very nicely with my kindle.
I'll save the blue wallet. I'm not completely ready to let it go, even though I am perfectly happy not using it on a daily basis. It is not the thing itself, strange as that may seem, but the way it reminds me that beauty itself is something worth pursuing, and that pursuit can represent a different kind of freedom, a freedom from the cares of the world that may pieces of plastic represent — discount cards, ID cards, all the various little bits of things that make life in this world "easier". (I am not talking about credit cards here, I still only carry 2). Perhaps someday I will travel someplace where I don't want to feel tied down by bits of plastic, where a pretty wallet can just be a pretty wallet. Perhaps I just need time to say goodbye, which is strange, because I am not usually sentimental about things. I actually don't miss my former life, but maybe I do still need to hold on to a few talismans.
Comments
10 responses to “A Relic of My Former Life”
I remember you buying the blue wallet, I think — seems to me you showed it to us at the time.
Funnily enough, I have a “big” wallet, an M0851 in a gorgeously rich blue (somewhere between cobalt and indigo) which I bought because I needed something that did just what you’re talking about AND have a change section that zipped.. .I can even fit my passport in mine, in a pinch, but it turns out that I find it too big/heavy to carry if I’m walking all day. I left it behind when we travelled last spring, after finding a smaller one (also M0851) that manages fewer coins, and less cards, but is pleasingly light.
I’m hanging on to my old one also, although it hasn’t yet taken on any talismanic properties. But I do understand keeping those items that do . . . especially if they’re made of invitingly tactile pale blue leather . . .
Wow – a blog post about a wallet with a photo of it on a table linked to another about your collection of sneakers; a selfie of a cheap looking $8,000 ring? How sad that “stuff” is your life and happiness – in your own words,”these ____ make me happy”.
Your blog posts scream me me me, look at all my stuff; look at me wearing/arranging/rearranging my overpriced designer brands and other stuff; feel sorry for poor pitiful me – I’m suffering because -fill in the blank- is taking time away from ME so I bought more stuff to make me happy. Sick.
Only another self absorbed materialistic narcissist would identify with all this and why you think you need different “stuff” in Kville than your “former life” that you don’t miss. The ability to buy, and then show off and brag about your expensive stuff screams NO class.
Mardel, I’m sorry there are people who feel the need to hurl insults over the internet. I believe they have ego needs that require they belittle others to make themselves feel better. I’m happy to see that you are gracefully enduring the major life changes you’ve had in the past few years, and moving forward. Carry on! K
I guess some people just have to be jerks. (2nd comment)
Glad you found a wallet that works for you. I’m always going back and forth between “too big” and “too small.” Wallets are a challenge, especially when our needs change from time to time.
Clearly, Indred has never met you–or anyone like you. I’m not sure there IS anyone like you, Mardel! I have met you–I have had you as a guest in my home–I’ve been in your gracious home that demonstrates class and depth. You have class, depth, generosity, kindness–all of which you have demonstrated to me. Thank you again for a beautiful blog post.
^^^^
This woman is insane. Or maybe man? You are one of the most thoughtful, least materialistic bloggers out there, who manage to also now and then discuss stuff.
I am so sorry you had to even read that. I look forward to your every post.
Indred, I’m sorry to see that you need to spew hatred at someone who has done no harm to you. I hope you are able to work your way out of that dark place.
Mardel, I hope you’re able to let that bit of ugliness roll off you like water off a duck’s back. You’ve been through enough tough times and you don’t deserve that. But then, you’re a tough lady. xoxox
Wow. I was reading the comments and actually had a visceral reaction to that 2nd comment. It obviously has nothing to do with you, but I knowing you as I do (not having yet met you in person), I think you already knew that.
I know what you mean about needing a wallet that works with your lifestyle. I have a small m0851 I adore and which works beautifully for me although it is not as beautiful as your two wallets pictured here. It is plain black, but the leather is nice, smooth and semi-soft.
Glad you will save the blue wallet. When you travel, you probably do not carry all the local loyalty cards. And I love Baggelini bags; my heart says ‘leather’ but my shoulders say ‘lighter weight”!
@ Indel: I agree that many designer brands are overpriced; however, some provide exceptional quality and years more wear. From what I have seen of Mardel’s choices, she knows the difference.
You and I were obviously on the same wallet journey! I never thought of myself as a Vera Bradley type, but you gotta love the design of that wallet! I bought the Tutti Fruiti pattern. I’ve purchased other Vera Bradely stuff since the wallet purchase (you HAVE to try the tote bags), but I’m afraid old Indred will spew her venom all over me if I mention them.