Restingmotion

  • Completed: project Lazy Days

    I finally finished the lazy days tunic and shawl kits from Artyarns.  I've named them Raspberry Glitter on Ravelry, which I suppose works since I didn't actually produce the same sweater as written.

    LazyDays

     

    Basic info:

    Lazy Days Tunic and Lazy Days Shawl, both sold as kits from Artyarns.  I purchased my kits from L'Atelier in Redondo Beach, CA.

    Yarns:  Artyarns Beaded Silk & Sequins Light and Merino Cloud.

    Needle:  size 7 Addi Click.   Surprisingly this was actually the recommended needle size, which is odd for me as I historically have been a loose knitter.  In fact my gauge did not quite match the pattern gauge, and after trying several needle sizes from size 4 to size 8, I decided I was not going to get gauge and that the size 7 needles produced the fabric which pleased me the most.  I simply then recalculated the pattern from there.  This proved a little tricky at first as the sweater is knit on the bias, but I eventually got the hang of it, both the knitting and the calculating.

     

    The biggest problem for me was with the sleeves.  The first time I knit them I apparently lost my head and knit one sleeve too small and the other too large, so I re-knit both, carefully checking gauge and dimensions as I progressed.  These were the sleeves that were on he blocking board in my previous post.  Alas, I did not like the way they felt when I donned the finished sweater.  They felt snug and itchy, and it occurred to me that I had miscalculated.  The sleeves would have fit had I been knitting in the standard fashion from bottom up (or top down), but bias requires different ease than-on grain fabrications and even though I am sure that bias knitted fabric reacts differently than bias woven fabric it was evident that I had knit the sleeves too small.  So I ripped them out and reknit them.

     

    But I still hated them when I actually wore the garment.  The fabric itched my arms, especially the parts made from the beaded silk and sequins.  This could be partially because the wider sleeves were shorter, ending at a more delicate patch of skin than in the original nearly elbow-length sleeves.  But I wasn't sure I could make the sleeves longer, primarily because I ran out of beaded silk and sequins, and, being in the middle of knitting the shawl, was not sure how much merino cloud would remain to be used for sleeve-lengthening.  The sleeves also felt like the twisted oddly, but this could be more due to my own irregularly sloping shoulders and the way I carry my arms than to anything in the knitted fabric.  It ended up that I did have enough merino cloud to make the sleeves longer, but by the time I finished the shawl I was simply done with this project.  There would be no 4th re-knit.  I hope the sweater itself would work as a shell to be work with the shawl and that the sleeves could simply be forgotten.

    LazyDays2

    Success!

     

    I love the finished project and will wear it.  I had been a little nervous, afraid that the bias of the fabric would emphasize my own asymmetricalities, the way Issey Miyake's pleated garments always seemed to cling in the wrong way, emphasizing everything that I wanted minimized, but such is not the case.  The drape is nice and the sweater attractive.

     

    Iris Schreier calls for the neckline to be finished with a knitted-on I-cord binding, which was slow, but beautiful.  After trying on the sweater numerous times, I decided that the same I-cord finishing would work at the arm openings as well and so proceeded accordingly.  The I-cord adds a layer of stability to the edge, balancing the pull of the bias fabric and laying pleasingly against the body.

     

     

     

  • Just in time for the Holidays

    It appears that yes, I can finish something I started.  

    LazyDays2

    You may or may not remember this sweater.  I last showed it to you in Mid September, in pieces on the blocking board.  I had every intention of finishing it up right away.  There were some complications and then I had every intention of finishing it in mid-October, but alas I managed to distract myself once again.  And now, finally finished.  Presenting Abigail modeling Raspberry Glitter, just in time for cooler weather and holiday parties.

    LazyDays

    If you look back on that original post, you might note that there were sleeves.  Alas they were the source of great angst and upset, and after (yet another) ripping and re-knitting session I abandoned the sleeves all together.  It seems I had forgotten something critical, namely that bias fabrics need to be cut with ample room to allow for drape, and although the sleeves would have fit had they not been knit on the bias, they felt too snug when I wore them.  So I ripped and re-knitted them a bit larger only to find that I still disliked them.  Although the shell itself is perfectly comfortable, I found the sleeves to be shifty itchy things, best banished from my presence. Abandoning the sleeves has resulted in a sweater which I will actually wear. 

     

    But there is more.

    Prayer

    While I was battling those recalcitrant sleeves,  I needed something peaceful and relatively calming in my hands.  Enter a bag of Classic Elite Paisley in a lovely muted aqua.  It seems that I keep buying the same colors over and over again, and I decided that this yarn would make a lovely shawl, a shawl for someone else.   Shown on Matilda, who is waiting to be padded out, is the finished shawl, which has been donated to my church's prayer shawl ministry.  The resulting fabric is soft and snuggly, with a lovely drape, and I am sure someone will enjoy it.  Blocked dimensions are 19 inches by 90 inches (or 7 1/2 feet), Which proved to be a slight blocking challenge, as seen below in a photo I shared on instagram last week.

    PrayerBlocking

    I've already started another project.  Details, perhaps, soon. And for those of you who want more than pretty pictures, who wish to delve into the gory details of yarns, patterns, mods and what have you, I will manage to update the knitting blog within a few days.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Rainy Day Walk

    It is raining.  It has been raining all week although at the moment I am not really perturbed by the rain; by the mud perhaps, but not the rain.  In fact I had forgotten how nice it can be to walk in the rain.  When I was a girl, in my teens and twenties, I loved walking in the rain.  I was perhaps silly and naive, perhaps a bit of a romantic, although I'm not sure I allowed many to see that side of myself, even then.  Then life became busy, filled with family and career, and I became stressed and perhaps occasionally bitter, or if not bitter, at least cynical. But cynicism always hides an edge of bitterness.  I began to perhaps resent the rain,  and long for sunshine, to associate sunshine with happy days and happy activities. But that grumbling wasn't really about the weather it was about my own inner unhappiness, even though I wouldn't have said I was unhappy.  Stressed perhaps; I would have admitted to stress.  So much easier to blame the rain, to find a scapegoat, rather than to look inward, seeking inner fissures, seeking to heal oneself.  And then of course loss and grief got in the way and forced me to peer into those cracks before they consumed me.  I'm sure you are tired of hearing about that by now, but it continues to surprise me how fine the line is between death and life, between grief and joy.  I continue to marvel about the way growth and healing isn't so much about finding a new path but about rediscovering an old path than had become neglected and overgrown.

    Red

    I hadn't planned on taking such a thoughtful turn this morning. But my thoughts after a morning walk wend their way along their own path, purling through the undergrowth of my life. 

     

    I've taken my morning walk in my home neighborhood every morning the past week.  So much nicer than the apartment complex, even in the rain.  Even for 2 1/2 miles in the rain.  Monday it rained steadily for my entire walk, and yet I couldn't stop smiling, looking at the soft colors of the leaves, smelling the wet earth and the slightly musty smell of damp and decay mixed with another scent I can really only call clean.  I couldn't stop smiling despite a few inner grumbles brought on by my own misunderstanding of the layers needed for the cold and damp.  First I grew too hot, then, as I divested myself of a poorly chosen layer, I got a little wet and grew cold.  Still the smiles returned, unbidden. Tuesday I was also dressed for rain, the forecast 100% chance of rain, so I once again had my raincoat, my water repellent pants over my leggings, and my trusty blunnies,  but smarter layering choices underneath. However the rain kindly held off during the time of my walk, starting up again just as I was returning to my car.  Tuesday I was able to take a few pictures.

    Blossom

    I love the peacefulness of early morning walks, especially mornings after a rain.  The wet earth holds a different kind of silence than drier days, the bird calls, always present, are less exuberant perhaps, but there is still that early morning sense of everything being new all over again, now with the magic of droplets clinging to the tips of flowers.  I love the way the leaves gently shimmer and shake when a bird alights on a delicate branch, or the shower of droplets scattering through the air when they take flight. 

    Leaves

     I love the cool air, the way the chill hits my face, or my fingers when I pull them out of my pockets. I love the leaves, bright and colorful on the trees,  a blaze of glory proclaiming a life well-lived.  But I also love the fallen leaves, the carpet they make on the ground, and those solitary hangers-on, still clinging tenaciously to their branches, torn, ravaged with blight and age, under siege, determined.

    Leaves2

    I suppose it is easy to love Spring with all the new blossoms, or Summer with its warmth and exuberance, but still I love Autumn, and walking in the rain.  I love the knowledge that this rain, cold and dreary as it may be refreshes and replenishes the earth beneath my feet. I walk occasionally melancholy, yet also filled with hope, secure in the knowledge that because it rains in November, there are sure to be flowers again in March. I wander on, occasionally grumbling yes, but also secure in the knowledge, or is it faith tinged with knowledge, that joy and happiness and love are always there, in the very soil of our lives.  Sometimes cold and wet, oozy and uncomfortable, at other times hard and unyielding, but always full of promise. Waiting. 

     

     

     

  • Musings on a Rainy Friday Morning

    It is a gray and rainy fall day, but for the moment at least I am enjoying looking out the window at the way the colors fade away in the gray light.  

    AutumnRain

    It would probably be a perfect day for a fire if I were in my house and could have a fire, but I am not, so glancing dreamy-eyed out the window will have to do.  I have a book and a knitting project to finish, and those things should keep me adequately entertained.  

    Paratha

    It was also a good morning for a little experimentation in the kitchen.  I had wanted to attempt the Sweet Potato and Squash Parathas from Sumayya Usmani's Summers Under the Tamarind Tree since buying the Pakistani cookbook last year.  This morning seemed like the perfect time, and I hoped that this recipe would be something that would work as a gluten free option, not at all like traditional parathas or stuffed parathas.  Usmani states in the book that these are more like a griddle scone than a traditional paratha, and I hoped the combination of flavors would make something that could be equally comforting even if not at all like its wheaten brethren.  There is a copy of the recipe online here.  Mine aren't as pretty, and can't be folded over.  The gluten-free dough is more friable, and rolling out didn't work as well as patting, making something closer to a Pakistani-spiced scone than a true paratha, but they are good, and I am content. 

     

    As I knit, I have been listening to Vivaldi, reminded of how much I adored Vivaldi when I was a young girl by the fabulous chamber concert Wednesday night at the Knoxville Museum of Art, the first performance of this year's concertmaster series.  In fact the entire program focused on music of the baroque period and it was both very well programmed to provide breadth and depth of interest and very well performed as well.  I don't think I could have imagined a more enjoyable and rewarding evening of baroque music. It felt like a rare treat, although admittedly there were also two separate baroque choral performances in Knoxville during the same week, two performances I missed, although I had planned to attend the Choral Society's concert before I pooped out.  It is indeed a treat to live in a place where there is more on offer than I could ever possibly attend.

     

    And speaking of treats, Thursday proved to be another evening of musical indulgence.  After doing a bit of Christmas shopping, already light-hearted and bouncy, I proceeded to a concert by the Seraph Brass for another evening of wonderfully programmed and beautifully performed music.  I heard some works by new-to-me composers and some fabulous reworking of familiar pieces; music that was both lovely and thought-provoking in how it shed new light on music I might otherwise assume I knew.  I also enjoyed the musicality and sensitivity of the playing, even subtlety at times, a word I do not always associate with the brass section, although perhaps I should.

    GraySpakle

    Every year I seem to marvel that both concert season and autumn go hand in hand, my favorite season accompanied by some of my favorite things.  I love the fall colors, the cool mornings and evenings, the music, the ability to add layers again, to indulge in softer colors.  In fact, it seems that, having given away half of my already reduced wardrobe I am rediscovering old favorites, even while adding a few new things, like the sparkly gray and blue necklace above.  

     

    In fact I've made a couple of discoveries about myself, one of which is that I like a bit of sparkle more than I had thought.  It is not the glitter I object to, but the brightness. I don't like bright sparkle — too much jangly color or white put me on edge.  Too much bright feels too forward, and therefore more formal and less like myself; even when I am most dressed, I don't like feeling formal if that makes any sense.  Suddenly I know why certain things are never worn, and it not what I had thought.  Through this new sense of understanding I am thinking I may finally be ready to start seriously sewing for myself again, sewing regularly that is, because I may finally be ready to ask a couple of critical questions.  The two questions that have always been at odds in my creative life are:  "Is this something I want to make just to make it?"  and  "Is this something I actually want to wear." Each has their place, but I haven't always been successful in sussing out the distinctions.

     

    After all, I am the woman who once, when asked to introduce oneself to a group with a fact about oneself, chose "I love fog". I love rainy days and crisp cool mornings.  Yes I love color too, but I love the way a gray day makes colors shine in a way completely differently from the bright sunshine.  I love color the way I love music, the way the many layers of subtlety and technique and shading make a greater whole.  I don't want to be hit in the face with the obvious, I want to find the subtleties.  It is true.  I love fog.

     

  • Wednesday Morning Thoughts

    I love the way my phone turned the sunrise this morning into something almost abstract and painterly:

    Sunrise1

    Otherwise I don't really have much to say.  My silence isn't really due to the election results, although I have mixed feelings about them.  I happy that voter turnout was high for a midterm, especially important here in East Tennessee where we tend to have low turnout.  I am happy that some races were actually close.  I choose to see hope.  But at the same time I know that elections aren't won based on reason, they are won and lost based on emotion.  

     

    I'll share what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I am transcribing it here but not editing.  Expect no polish or expansion, just the beginnings of thoughts:

     

    But again fear and division is winning and it makes me sad — all the hatred in the world.  But the problem isn't really hatred, it is fear.  Hatred is the symptom.  The problem is fear, and people slowly absorbing the messages of division that surround us all.  No matter how smart we are, no matter how well-intentioned, we are all like sponges, absorbing part of our being from our surroundings.  We can't stop the anger and hatred until we can learn to to listen and attempt to understand, until we can share love and not dismay.  We are all guilty of this, myself as much as anyone else.  It is never them versus us, it is always all of us together.  Until we try to understand each other, until we say no to those who spread the fear, until we open our arms to each other even in the midst of fear and disagreement, kindness can never prevail, humanity can never win over hatred. You can't say no to hatred, it begets more fear and hatred.  We can only say yes to people, and hope that we can release the bias that enchains us all.

     

     

  • Home Is For Sharing and Other Random Thoughts

    You know, there are moments when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder why.  I don't wonder why I write, that suits me, but it seems so random lately, like my life, increasingly without structure, and I wonder what that says.  But maybe I am also just wondering what it is about structure, about defining myself by some external structure and standard, that makes it seem so important.  Isn't just life enough?  Yes, probably, for living.  I'm still not so sure about blogging.  Perhaps blogging itself requires a structure. And yet I see that the blogging serves its own purpose in my own process, and so here I am.  

    Living
    But perhaps it is that same process of structure and releasing oneself from the constraints of structure that continues to wend its way through my own psyche.    For example I have rearranged and resettled in the apartment, making small changes really but important ones that make it feel more like home.  And I realize that part of that sense of home has always revolved around my conflicting needs for order and organization as opposed to my tendency to make a mess.  I need to get what I want in the middle of creative burst, and I need to be able to restore it to order when that burst has exhausted itself.  

    Table

    I am also learning to increasingly let go of control. Enter the dinner party, my first for friends.  Family has been here a couple of times already.  The table is set.  The main course is ready.  We were having  Chicken Tikka Masala and Jeera Rice.  And then I partially relinquished control. My usual mode is to have as much done as possible in advance, so I can sit back, enjoy the company, and not worry about burning something. Once people arrive, I'm all about having fun, rather than slaving away in the kitchen, and over the decades I've refined my techniques to meet that end.  But it usually all about control, control, control, and a moment of release.  

     

    This time I let go a bit.  I did the advance prep, slicing radishes on a mandolin, meticulously cutting tomatoes into tiny cubes, for after all, who wants people drinking and chatting while using sharp instruments? Then I  grouped together the cumin, lemon, cilantro, ginger for a radish salad, but did not assemble said salad.  The same with the tomatoes.   When everyone arrived, we greeted each other, hugged and moved into the kitchen.  Rather than siting and chatting and waiting for the food to miraculously appear, we all took a station, one person making radish salad, one assembling the kachumbar, one cooking the Gujarati green beans, one gathering the nibbles.  Then we adjourned to talk while the flavors of the vegetables took their time to meld.  I thought it was fun.  Advance prep was still required, but it felt less pressured.  Everyone made something.  The ingredients were suggested but not required, so each dish varied according to its creator.  I relinquished control and we each made our own contributions to the flavors of the meal.  Then we talked and ate for hours.

    Kachumbar

    At the end of the meal my guests offered to help clean up, and I said yes.  This is in direct opposition to my older control-driven self, who would have sent everyone home and had my own contemplative cleaning session.    We all piled back into the kitchen.  We washed and dried and put things away and chatted.  I had so much fun;  it seemed like everyone else did as well. Everything came full circle.  At the end of the evening, I dried a few last dishes, started the dishwasher  and sat back with a cat on my lap, filled with joy and contentment.  

     

    This morning my apartment feels like home, more so than it did yesterday.  It is a place for me, a sanctuary from the world, but also a haven of companionship.  My friends and I blessed this place with laughter, conversation, and shared activities; there will only be more laughter, more conversation, more sharing in the future.   Most importantly, I learned something more about letting down walls.   Sunday felt like the perfect mix of my enjoyment of playing in the kitchen, blending spices, creating the setting and then sharing with friends and letting other voices, other views help shape the meal.  It was is if my understanding of sharing food had come to a new level.  I love having people over, and I love feeding people, but the food is only the medium. For me cooking is like play, it is my joy and my gift. but I have to let others in.   It would have probably been just as much fun if we'd had hot dogs and beans.  Except that I probably wouldn't, well maybe hot dog goulash, which has been one of my favorite comfort foods since a college friend made it for me oh so many decades ago. In short it doesn't matter what the food is, just that it is shared.

     

    Two of the pictures in this post were posted on Instagram yesterday.  I'm not convinced I like cross-publishing, but I haven't worked out the details yet.    I like the Instagram format, with photos as short snippets of life, combined with wordier posts here, but I also feel I need photos on the blog, so there is overlap.  But there may or may not be overlap in audience, I'm not sure.  I may never work that out.  It seems life is often not as easily categorized as I might like.

     

  • Books, Triple Denim, and Another Opera

    As I settle further into this current phase of semi-settled liminality, my reading has picked up a bit.

    October18books

    October saw a few more books pass through my hands.  The two non-fiction books, Momofuko Milk Bar and Devil in the Milk have prompted some changes in my way of thinking (yes, even a cookbook can do that) but those thoughts have not yet settled.  They may well surface at some future date.  

     

    Otherwise, not surprisingly, I read fiction. Phil Rickman's Merrily Watkins mysteries bookended the month.  The first of the two, A Crown of Lights, was not my favorite and I struggled, impatient with Merrily and the story.  But perhaps also I was mentally contrasting it with Anna Burns' Milkman, which I had already started.  There was no comparison in terms of prose and the contrast may have simply unsettled me.  I was hoping light diversion from the Burn's intense meanderings, and Rickman fell flat.  You can read my review of Milkman here, and my thoughts on Donal Ryan's beautiful From a Low and Quiet Sea, another Booker-nominated novel,  here. 

     

    By the end of the month I was ready to return to Rickman and I read The Cure of Souls, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Perhaps I had simply distanced myself enough from poetically lyrical prose that I was ready to settle into the story, perhaps I also found story itself more appealing.  There continue to be times when I find the jumping around choppy, and Merrily continues to be someone about whom I simultaneously feel becomes more familiar while also being completely unknowable and unrevealed.  But I think that may be the point, and part of her strength, even though she does at times try my patience.  Anyway I will continue with this series, and there are moments when Rickman so perfectly taps into something about the faith experience, about the mixing of the psychic and the holy, the muddling of human ego and odd moments of clarity, of good an evil and what we perceive and more likely(and often) misperceive, that continue to draw me in.

    TripleDenim

    With the advent of transitional and autumnal weather I also made my first foray into double-denim, layering a chambray tunic over dark-wash jeans, although probably too late to be on trend.  Well, I've rarely been on trend with anything.  Obviously, it quickly became triple denim when I added my purse, which, now that I think of it means I've probably been doubling up on denim without even thinking about it.  When I bought the denim bag I wondered if I would wear it — now it seems to go everywhere except the dressiest of occasions.

     

    The denim bag even accompanied me to the opera last night, not that it was a particularly dressy opera.  I did wear my new velvet jeans, although, seeing as it was a rainy night and I feared I might traipse through mud, I wore them with my trusty blunnies.  Apparently I fit right in with the crowd.  

      D73bdd_04e115e7d7de41f99bf55a0a52022750~mv2

    I was stunned by the performance, but I don't know how to write about an emotional opera about a self-indulgent madman, Nero, without descending into a self-indulgent morass.I will quote the brief description on the program:

     

    "Nero Monologues" is a one-woman pastiche opera.  The show journeys the inner workings of he notorious Roman emperor during his final hours.  The resulting work explores themes of abandonment, abuse, passion, sexual identity, love and power and comes together to paint a portrait of a damaged man; equal parts crazed artist and idealistic ruler.

     

    What immediately struck me was Sarah Toth's incredible emotional resonance.  Her diction was not always clear, but her ability to portray emotional content, even conflicting emotions through her voice and her movements wrapped this listener up in the experience. The interlayering of the music with alternating sung and spoken parts was evocative and very well done. The program notes had compared the Peter Learn's technique of layering music to Samuel Barber, and I could see that comparison.  The music, beautifully filled the role of inner voice, heard but not seen, as the musicians were in another room.  The composition itself was fascinating, at times very much touching on jazz and more contemporary atonal and minimalist forms and yet seamlessly mixing in passages by Handel and Monteverdi in order to build a complex emotionally-rich portrait..  For a moment even I was certain I heard a bit of Kurtág.  The relationship of Toth's performance to the musicians and the music seemed to embody an ongoing battle between emotion and reason, between madness and power, sanity and insanity.

     

    One moment that stands out for me in this immensely powerful performance occurred when Toth was singing Nero's lines from Monteverdi's Pur ti Miro. This duet, to my mind is one most beautiful love songs in the operatic repertoire,  becomes perverted, a song about one-sided obsession and fractured lust.  To me it spoke of the descent into insanity but also of the difference between relationship and obsession, and how what we might think of as simple, unrequited affection, can become warped in the mind, can lead into a dangerous path that is something else entirely.   The power of this piece is in its emotional content, the way it brings humanity to its subject, while at the same time bringing the receptive listener right up to that line that separates and protects  us from our darker inner impulses.  A lot of questions are opened here, about art, idealism, power, fear.  We don't necessarily need to see the answers, just trying to understand the questions may be a good start. I am happy I went. 

     

    Nero Monologue photo of Sarah Toth, from Marble City Opera, here.  There is also further information about the piece and a link to the poetry of Geoffrey Lehmann, a selection of which is used in the performance.

  • Do We Stand in Love?

    Monday evening I attended a vigil for victims of the Tree of Life Shooting.  The lawn outside the Arnstein Jewish Community Center was bright with the light from hundreds of candles.

    Vigil

    It was reported that between 700 and 800 people attended, and I believe that.  I am happy I went, happy to have gone with my step-daughter and grandson, happy to see so many people there, people from many different faiths, coming together in love.  And it was an evening filled with warmth, where one felt that love could indeed prevail.  

     

    I don't always attend vigils and marches, and from a purely intellectual perspective I struggle with their effectiveness.  But I also know that one of the most important things we can do as humans is simply to show up.  Showing up was what was needed, sharing our love with our neighbors in their grief was what was needed. 

     

    We are all Jews.  First of all, if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, your faith tradition stems from the same root. But I am not speaking of that.  And I am not denying that this is a hate crime, an anti-Semitic act in a country that is becoming increasingly anti-Semitic.  I feel sad for my Jewish family and friends.  But I also feel sad for all of us.

     

    We are all Jews.  Every single one of us is someone else's other. Every single one of us can become a victim in a moment.  Yes, I admit to stating this from my position of white protestant privilege.  But it doesn't matter if you are white, black, Asian, Christian, Muslim, Sikh, Jewish, Atheist, heterosexual, homosexual, blue-eyed, masculine, feminine, rich or poor. We are all Jews and we all live in fear.  Most of the time, however, we are adept at denying that fact, even from ourselves. 

     

    All of our lives hang on a thread.  We can bind ourselves together in love, or we can let the fabric of our society and our humanity ravel away.  Yes the shooting in Pittsburgh was the act of anti-Semite.  He may even be a madman.  Evil and mental illness will always be with us.  Apparently so will denial.  When we can label a person, a place, an event, we make it smaller.  We put it in a box and store it away on a high shelf in our mental and emotional closet. And another thread in our societal fabric breaks.

     

    An act of violence in a place of worship, a sanctuary, is an act of violence against each and every one of us.  A shooting in a school is an attack on every one of our children.  Any shooting of innocents, any shooting at all, is an act of violence against each and every one of us.  And we all carry the scars whether or not we acknowledge that fact.

     

    We are all Jews.  We live in a world increasingly marked by fear and hate.  And we are afraid.  Because we are afraid we turn our backs, although we tell ourselves other stories, stories meant to deny any thought that we may live in fear. When we close our doors and turn our backs we are building our own ghettos.

     

    How can we claim to be a country that respects religious freedom when we lock our sanctuaries?  Not just synagogues and temples, but churches as well.  How can we say all are welcome, all are loved when we are so frightened we have to lock our doors?  How can we claim to live in freedom when none of us is free?   We cross the street to avoid the homeless person, the group of unfamiliar-looking young people.  We build walls.  We treasure our safe neighborhoods, our schools with gates and alarms on doors. We practice denial daily.  We try to blend in. "it is not about me", we say, trying to convince ourselves. Denial is about fear. And denial is a powerful drug. It never is, you know, about me. Until it is. And then it will be too late.

     

    And although I am thrilled that so many came to the vigil Monday night, I also know that there should have been ten or even one hundred times as many, even though there would never have been enough candles. I would like to live in a world where the 700 people standing on a lawn holding candles is not the remarkable thing. I would like to live in a world not marked by hate, but by kindness and acceptance, and yes, even love.  I would like to live in a wold that stops and comes together to stand against violence, where coming together to mourn the loss of another innocent is the norm.

     

    Wishful thinking I know.  But then perhaps then we really would be "the land of the free and the home of the brave".

     

  • Two Fridays

    Two Fridays, two performances.  First the Knoxville Symphony and second, the Knoxville Opera. I preferred the former to the latter, but perhaps it is time to deconstruct.

     

    Last spring I asked myself if I seek out performances to attend simply to avoid being home alone too often in the evenings.  Perhaps I do.  But even when I was not alone, George and I struggled with this same problem, finding the balance between wanting nothing more than a quiet evening home alone, and loving art and music and wanting to hear more and more.  This fall, I added another question, namely how many of my choices are simply habit and do I need to both push myself and let go?   

     

    And so I have made a point of branching out.  I have purchased a subscription to a theater series, which I have so far enjoyed.  I enjoyed performances before, but I was not so likely to push myself to go out, and even tired, I am a better person for simply going. I went to hear Candide twice, and loved it, even though I went into it knowing that I really think Candide is Bernstein's least appealing work, pushing myself out of my own far too serious shell.  I have subscribed to Knoxville's Marble City Opera, a company that focuses on smaller, more intimate works, often contemporary, often in non-traditional venues.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the performances I have attended in the past, but again, without pushing myself I won't go out.  I need to go out and I need to work on my own biases and barriers.  This busyness, this going out more, doesn't directly address the first question, but I am sure that all of this struggle with too much vs too little will sort itself out in time.

     

    When a friend pointed out Knoxville Opera's comic double-billing of Mozart's The Impressario  and Puccini's Gianni Schicchi, I bought a ticket.  I knew it would be a push for me, for as much as I have loved many opera performances, I have also struggled with equally many, prompting those same questions about expectation and familiarity.  I know that I struggled with Knoxville Opera's performance of Aida last May.  I know I struggled with whether or not I was biased by some unrealistic sense of expectation, wishing to recreate the magic of my first opera performance, which was also Aida.  At the time I hopefully decided to blame most of my disappointment on the venue, the Knoxville Civic Auditorium, which has horrible acoustics, so bad that, in my opinion the place is only suited to loud over-amped popular extravaganzas where the performance is in fact not as much about the music as it is about shared memory and expectation. To my ears, that venue sucks the soul out of the music and leaves nothing but a barren shell.

     

    I was therefore interested in hearing the Knoxville Opera in a more amenable venue, and the Tennessee Theater fit the bill.  I have to confess to a falsehood however.  I told acquaintances that it was my first Knoxville Opera performance, which it was obviously not, reference Aida mentioned above.  At that moment I had forgotten Aida, which I only attended because my son-in-law was singing in the chorus. Nearly six months later I  remember the Knoxville Choral Society's portion of the performance more than I remember the rest of the opera.  Sad state that.

     

    I didn't actually remember having attended Aida until after the intermission, during the performance of Gianni Schicchi, which is much more traditionally operatic than was the performance of The Impressario.   I actually thought The Impressario was well done.  The work itself was intended as a parody, and the musical score is short, I would guess less than 30 minutes.  It is also my understanding that the spoken portion and the setting is commonly reimagined to suit the audience and the locale, which I think is important.  In that sense the production was good: a self-mocking reflection on a Knoxville opera company attempting to put on a production of Gianni Schicchi, filled with inside jokes and vaudevillian humor.  The Mozart meets Gilbert and Sullivan mash-up worked, and the audience, at least the audience around me, enjoyed that sense of being on the inside of the joke.  It wasn't opera, as I think of opera, but it was fun, light-hearted musical-theater, and a perfect example of knowing and connecting with one's audience, or at least a part of one's audience, as attendance seemed light.

     

    I was less thrilled with the second half of the program.  And here I don't know if my head just gets in the way.  The acting was fine, humorous and entertaining even, and the singing was fine.  Much of my enjoyment of opera revolves around the way sets and acting and music all intertwine.  The production itself was smooth, quickly moving and thoroughly entertaining.  And yet I was unmoved.  I felt that there was perhaps too much emphasis on comic relief at the expense of the story.  Perhaps I just don't understand the story.  Perhaps all those memories of being called too serious are true, and I don't "get" comedy.  But what I found lacking was balance.  My understanding of the music itself is that there is a balance, a contrasting play of themes between the comic and the solemn, a contrast that emphasizes the comic aspects of the story over the tragic, and it is this very contrast that elevates the comedy.  This contrasting balancing of themes centers around Lauretta's solo O Mio Babbino Caro, which provides this perfect moment of lyricism and beauty, after which the give and take, the jockeying between comedy and tragedy resumes.  Except that I felt the performance was unbalanced, geared more to slapstick, with the more solemn moments minimized, and I felt that Lauretta's solo, although beautiful, did not provide that moment of perfect repose that elevates the emotions; that it somehow remained disconnected from what came before and after. In short I was disappointed.  But I don't know if my disappointment was reasonable or unreasonable.

     

    Perhaps it is simply a question of exposure. Perhaps I simply need to attend more opera performances.  I'm not sure that I will however.

     

    I will continue going to the symphony.  I thoroughly enjoyed the previous Friday's symphony performance which revolved around Tchaikovsky's Concerto for Violin and Orchestra, in a rather interesting program which opened with Beethoven's Egmont Overture, which was beautifully performed.  I continue to think thet the KSO's performances of Beethoven have been consistently improving.  But what most intrigued me was Arem Demirjian's comments prior to the concert.  He discussed the Beethoven piece, explaining the story and illustrating how it played out in the work.  I think this was a good approach, even though we often neglect explanations of Beethoven, assuming familiarity.  He pointed out that Beethoven was a champion of political freedom and talked about how this played out in the concert choices for the evening, but I do not recall that he said much about the Tchaikovsky. Perhaps he should have said more, for although for although themes of fighting oppression, supporting the underdog, and freedom certainly apply to Shostakovich's fifth symphony, and were well explained by Demirjian, I don't recall him saying much about the Violin Concerto.  But of course it fit in the same theme.  Perhaps I missed it.  

     

    The performance was stunning.  Robyn Bollinger gave an incredible performance of a difficult work, and neither soloist or orchestra gave in to the excess romanticism, which occasionally mars a performance.   Aside from the technical brilliance of this work, I think it might have helped to remind audiences that it was written at a difficult time in Tchaikovsky's life; that he was struggling with a difficult marriage and a love that could never be; and that this work was not at all well received at the time — even though today it is one of the classics.  Illustrating this may have been helpful.  Or it may not have mattered given the thunderous applause at the end of the first movement, which tends to happen when this work is performed, but which did seem a bit protracted to me.  But I also remember listening to some girls after the concert, talking about how the talks affected their understanding of the music, and how entranced they were, how they lost track of time, except for the Tchaikovsky, which they felt went on and on.  I wonder about education and music, about what we expect and what we hear,  and although I have never been a fan of talks before performances, Demirjian, who does this very well, is changing my mind, almost as if he is letting the listener in on a secret, connecting them to the performance they are about to hear.

     

    This was particularly well done with the Shostakovich.  Certainly what he said about the work, the musical examples that were used to highlight meanings and themes, all meshed with the performance we heard, and it was enlightening, even for these jaded ears.  But then I sometimes think every performance I have hard of the 5th symphony has been different:  sometimes it is beautifully performed but bland, sometimes emphasizing the surface veneer of nationalism, the part that I assume Stalin heard and approved, and yet at other times emphasizing the disharmony.  I attended one performance that was so emotionally overwrought, so harrowing, that I felt completely drained after the performance, like a husk, with all humanity beaten out.  But I don't believe that was Shostakovich's goal.  

     

    The Knoxville Symphony's performance  was somewhere in between these extremes.  I think Demirjian's exploration of the music for the audience, and the performance itself captured the dichotomy of this work beautifully, the strong undercurrent of bitterness and pain lurking beneath a surface gloss of normalcy and expectation.  One could hear the hints of brash satire and wicked humor that are often contrasted in later symphonies, the grief tempered by hope, the sense that the spirit remains, subdued but unabashed. It was a bold and beautiful performance, and I suppose my sentiments align with those two young ladies — "it went by so fast….I was entranced….I want to hear more.."

     

  • Four Good Things, And A Minor Upset

    I was a little under the weather last week.  A close encounter with gluten, a cat bite, achy joints and muscle fog, a course of antibiotics, and the confirmation that I will be in the apartment another six months. Everything piled up on me and I took it a little harder than I would have expected.  I was not really surprised by the delay.  I knew that the original schedule could not be maintained, was not being maintained, but even then, it was an idea that I acknowledged only partially.  And so, although not a shock, actual acknowledgement still felt like a minor upset, perhaps because I was already slightly out of sorts.  The extended timeline came smack up with my own sense of what can be tolerated temporarily and what needs to be changed in order for me to be comfortable for the long haul.  

     

    Hence the past week also became a week of sorting.  Of resettling, but also of reacquaintance with favorite things.

     

    I have been in the apartment long enough to know what is not really working. The "not" was hitting hard last week, and, being an over thinker and an over-organizer, I suppose this is not surprising.  I hadn't fully gotten myself settled before life got in the way and I allowed myself to get over-busy.  What is over-busy after all, when you are already an over-thinker, and perhaps an over-organizer?  Well, for someone like me, who tends toward too-muchness, who is often all in, or all out, they go hand in hand, busyness and organization, and when one is out of whack with the other, I flounder.  Last week, already feeling under the weather, I was flopping around a bit, like a fish out of water, gasping for air.  I often walk a fine line between my need for creativity and its attendant mess and my need for simplicity and organization.  Last week a line broke and needed to be restrung.

    Breakfast

    There were good things too of course.  

     

    1. I've been cooking.  I revisited a recipe from last spring, stuffed egg crepes, a kind of omelet filled with savory pork, topped here with some Acar Timun, a Javanese fresh pickle/salad.  The pickle was left over from the night before, the first time I'd had people over for dinner.  The brightness went well with the savoriness of the omelet, a kind of happy accident, a reminder of conversations and the sometimes surprising intersections of life.

     

    2. I went to the symphony last weekend.  I'll write more about that later.  I will go to the opera this weekend and I need to thank a friend for egging me on.  I love going to opera, the spectacle of it, the combination of staging plus music, but I don't often think to go.  I don't think of opera in terms of music, but I do enjoy the experience itself, and perhaps that is something I need to think about more.  

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    3. I read Donal Ryan's novel, From a Low and Quiet Sea, and it too, was about empathy (a theme this year in my Booker reading?  Are there themes in Booker selections?).  In this case the reader is drawn into the thoughts and experiments of three men, three men who are very different from each other, and very different from anything in my experience.  The writing is beautifully evocative, and I felt a sense of kindness toward these men, and a beginning of understanding of something that I would once have found off-putting.  Ryan brings connects us to the humanity of his characters through what is really a rather subtle, and often not particularly clear exploration.  Perhaps because there is but one author, although I think this is actually more intentional, there is a commonality amid the differences in the voices, as if delineating a thread of commonality that exists in all humanity, despite the often radical differences in the ways our lives take shape. In the end the three lives are brought together in an intersection that leaves as many questions as it does answers, and yet it feels complete. 

     

    4. I have started taking Tikka back to our neighborhood in the late afternoons.  It started as a happy accident, she was out with me for a ride while I picked up mail, and I noted how excited she was, leaping out of the car and dancing around her yard, eager to reacquaint herself with her neighborhood.  We started making a habit of it, and now she dances at the door when it becomes time for our afternoon car ride and walk. Once we arrive, she sets the direction and the pace.  I simply let her walk as much or as little as she desires.  I am finding that I enjoy these afternoon strolls, short or long, as much as I enjoy my own morning walks.  There is no agenda, no goal, simply time and place.

     

    These are important things:  Friends, family, place, food, music.  But although my house, and my neighborhood are home, this place has to be home as well, not just a packing container on the road of life.  And so it is time to finish settling in.  I remember moving in with George, oh so many decades ago, and asking him why a particular thing was stored a particular way even though it was, to my way of thinking at least, incredibly inconvenient.  His answer?  "That's where we put it the day we moved in, and so it just stayed there".  Nearly 35 years later I remain incredulous.  I can happily never rearrange things once they work,  but until then it is a process.  Or perhaps I just see my relationship with space as just that, a relationship; a relationship to space, to time, and perhaps just to life and where I am in that life in any given moment.  It is about not living your life waiting for the next stage but about being in this one.