Category: ode to my closet

It has been rather shocking to me how quickly my focus and attention has faltered after a few short weeks where I did not maintain my early morning ritual quiet/contemplative/writing time.  Of course other things were going on as well, and I knew February would be a difficult month, schedule-wise, but even so, I am reminded of the importance of taking time to center oneself as a first priority, rather than as an afterthought.

 

On the other hand, only a couple of short days of refocusing has brought a great deal of clarity to my thoughts again today (although I could not have said the same yesterday).  And I am relieved at the benefits of  practice, and of building some sort of "muscle memory" be it for physical or mental activities.

 

I am also thrilled at the calming effects on my disposition that have arisen out of this last round of sorting, which I mentioned last week.  Perhaps I should be somewhat reluctant to admit that it has taken me three rounds of sorting to take control of my closet, but in this case it is true that "three's a charm".  I also knew that I brought too much from New York, that I accumulated too much in New York, and that I was incapable, at that time, of making any kind of decision about personal effects.  This is not surprising, as I wrote extensively about the process of George's decline, about feeling like I had lost a major portion of myself in the process, and the continued sense of rediscovery that I needed to undergo before being fully able to move forward.

 

What I can report is that the third round was the easiest one.  The scutt work had been done.  There was nothing left that didn't fit, that wasn't flattering, that wasn't useful.  But fit and flattery aren't everything. Although I realized long ago that although I would feel no great sense of loss if everything I owned disappeared tomorrow, I also needed to reconnect to a feeling that I have held since childhood, a sense that everything I own or use must also spark sense of joy or happiness in and of itself and its relationship with me and how I interact with it. Once the decision was made that I would only save those things I truly love, it was easy to let go of everything that remained in my closet out of a sense of expectation or obligation or just a plain old guilt.  Decisions were easy.

 

Take these two sweaters:

As you can see, they are very similar. The sweater on the left was purchased in 2010 from Pure Collection, and is 100% cashmere.  The one on the right was purchased from Eric Bombard in either the late fall of 2011 or early winter of 2012, right after I moved to Knoxville, and is a cashmere and silk blend.  I do not recall if I knew it was this close in color to a sweater I already owned when I purchased it.  I may not have, as I was either living in a hotel, or had not yet unpacked everything at the time.  I do believe I was thinking that the cashmere/silk blend might be lighter and more wearable than the pure cashmere, and the winter of 2011/2012 was very warm in Knoxville.

 

Until this past weekend, I couldn't let go of either, even though I wasn't really wearing both of them.

 

So which sweater stays and which one goes? 

 

As you can see from the photo above, they are about the same size.  The Pure Collection sweater (bottom) has slightly more room at the bust (which I need) and is fuller through the sleeves (which I also like) although I wish it were narrower at the cuffs, like the sweater from Eric Bompard, as I have small wrists and really like sweaters to fit closely at the wrist.  Otherwise, the sweaters are the same at the shoulders, waist, hips, and are the same length.  I like the v-neckline better than the scoop, but I prefer the soft fuzziness of the Pure Collection sweater to the harder finish on the Eric Bombard.  And the sweater from Eric Bombard pills badly whereas the one from Pure Collection has never pilled, even though it gets more wear.

 

Have you figured it out?  I kept the sweater from Pure.  100% cashmere is easier to wear than the cashmere/silk blend, which I find is often too hot, even though the sweater is slightly thinner in gauge.  I also like the extra softness, and the ease at the bust and upper arms of the Pure Collection sweater.  I am not however, disparaging Eric Bombard as I have other sweaters from this company which I love, and which have remained in my wardrobe.  Only this particular sweater will be moving to a new home after a brief stint on eBay.

 

I only sorted through tops/blouses/jackets/sweaters in this round so there is still more to do.  Bottoms are next, but not until after I pull my taxes together.  But even this has made a tremendous difference.  When the only things that are in my closet are things I love, getting dressed is a joy.  Nothing is lost in the crowd.  I am actually looking forward to the next round.

 

 

I managed to pack lightly and fairly minimally for the trip to Colorado, although not everything went together.  I had a couple of mismatched colors, although my basics were fairly neutral.  The theme was white, silver gray, aqua, and a few things along the theme of pinky-coral-strawberry.  I had two skirts, two pairs of shoes, two tops and one sundress.  If I had added two more tops, I would have come pretty close to the perfect endless-summer travel wardrobe.  

 

One thing I quickly realized I had forgotten however was a hat.  I love light but the sun and I are not friends.  I get headaches in the sun. Luckily I was not the only hat lover in the group and so we went hat shopping.

 

I got this hat on sale for roughly $16 at Dillards.  It goes perfectly with the tops I packed for the trip and several more I have at home.  I think I will be wearing it a great deal.  I really hit the hat jackpot as I actually bought two hats, another one in black, which went well with the aqua sundress.  Both hats also survived the trip home unscathed.  The one pictured had to go on the plane with me as it was too wide for my small suitcase, but it has the perfect combination of fabric and straw so that it is cool and still flexible.  It came out of the overhead crushed up into a small banana-like shape and sprang back to life good as new. Although I was willing to sacrifice the money for a headache-free vacation, I am even happier to have another great hat in my closet.

During most of the past five weeks I stopped thinking about clothes.  I stopped opening emails from online retailers.  I stopped reading fashion and style blogs in particular, although I actually just spent precious little time in blogland. 

 

This general sartorial stepping-back was not completely due to the chaos around me.  It is not that I am not interested in clothes, jewelry, fashion and style, but increasingly I am interested in just going my own way.  I observe but sometimes chose not to participate.  Style is only a part of life, and I felt it was becoming too much of an obligation and an ordeal.  I learned a lot but I had reached a crossroads.  

 

I came to Knoxville without a summer wardrobe.  I had a few tees.  A skirt.  A dress.  Shoes.  Otherwise not much.  I knew I was moving.  I survived last summer with a few throwaway pieces which barely survived the summer.  Since I have arrived, the whole process of looking, trying-on, buying and wearing has been enlightening and has really helped me to refine the process of how I see myself and what I want to wear.  It sounds like such a simple thing; but it wasn't.  There was a mall near me before, but it did not have the kind of selection I have here.  Selection required travel to a more distant mall.  It required time away from home.  That was something I really didn't have.   It is much easier to say "just go" and "You have to live your life" than it is to find your way through the minefield of need and anger that is the mind of the husband who is falling into the bottomless pit of dementia.

 

I am not interested in writing a "what I bought" blog.  I am not interested in writing a style blog, even though style is one of my interests.  More exactly sometimes I think anti-style is one of my interests as well.  Although I am interested in the whole fashion scenario, I am specifically interested in what it is about what women wear that makes them happy, what feels good to them, and how that makes them feel about the way they look.  And what I am not interested in is the whole idea of dressing to look younger, richer, thinner, sexier…. not that I wouldn't fall prey to those pursuits on occasion.  I too am a product of my culture and my upbringing.

 

Besides what I have learned is that I am not really an adventuresome dresser.  I find coming up with new things to wear more of an ordeal than a joy.  I don't particularly want to try new things on a daily basis.  I certainly don't want to spend the time fussing with photographs, at least not most of the time.  And I have a few rules, a few tried and true things that work for me.  The list is still expanding and evolving.  It may or may not be the same next month.  I am really just at the beginning.

 

One of the things I have learned is that I like flats.  I like being able to move quickly and with intent.  Sneakers and flip flops have also become staples of my wardrobe.    I even wear my sneakers with skirts, which is not really all that shocking except that I really haven't done it before. I was sad when I tossed out my Chuck Taylor's last year, but any shoe that makes your feet hurt for two days after wearing them is not worth keeping.  I never wore them with skirts. I kept the plum SeaVees, which are so comfortable I wonder why I didn't wear them more. I didn't wear sneakers with skirts until I bought the navy Supergas last fall.  Somehow the more open neck of the shoe works better with skirts and cropped pants.  I liked them so much I bought the white version this spring.  I was also looking for gray, but fell in love with the plaid sneaks instead. They seem to go with everything.  They make me smile. And four pairs of sneakers seems like more than enough, a bit profligate really. 

 

But of course I have more sneakers.  There are also the athletic shoes.  I started wearing the black Merrell barefoot models last summer.  I promptly tossed all the more traditionally engineered versions.  For the first time I found athletic shoes I could wear more than a few hours without wanting to rip them off my feet.  I always marvelled at people who could spend the day in sneakers until I bought these.  This spring, when I was walking and starting yoga and really thinking about gait and the mechanics of walking I got the gray toe-sneaks.  I thought I would hate them.  I don't. Rather than feeling constrained, I feel liberated, sure-footed, impish even.   I won't go back.