Author: 459856pwpadmin

  • Catching my Breath

    How easily we forget.

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    I have been looking forward to April for months.  April is the time of pretty flowers, or rebirth and rejuvenation, despite what seems to be endless mud.  This year, however I was also looking forward to April because it represented the completion of a couple of Big (yes with a capital B) projects.  Throughout February and March my mantra, was simple:  "I just have to get to April and things will calm down".

    Ahh, the joys of self-deception.  Life has calmed down.  There are no big projects.  There are also lots of small projects, and, blinded as I was by the big projects, I had forgotten how time consuming and exhausting small projects can be.  Ends up it was easier to manage the big projects simply because I knew I had to manage them.  The little things?  Piffle.

    No, that is not quite true either.  I am managing the small projects.  I am, I have learned, a manager of projects.  My first thought, always, upon being presented with a project, an event or a deadline, no matter how large or small, is to start thinking backwards, what needs doing, when, and to automatically schedule my time accordingly.   I used to marvel at people who don't manage projects well, used to marvel at the idea that there was even a need for project-management software, as I thought that this was something that all people just did automatically in their heads, as naturally as breathing.  I have learned otherwise, that this ability to plan is a gift, but admittedly, I am still far too often surprised when chains of responsibility break down. 

    I had forgotten about decompression time, had forgotten that, aside from the relief and joy that accompanies the completion of a project, the brain needs time for rest, and that resting-time cannot necessarily be neatly pigeon-holed, cannot necessarily be neatly penciled into the calendar along the lines of "Sunday 1-4, brain-break".  We like to think we can mange the world, manage our time, manage our emotions and even our personalities, but the world really isn't manageable.  It is wild and wooly and often unpredictable.  Progress is not a steady climb up a gentle slope, but more likely a long boring path, mostly straight, sometimes even reversing in on itself, before suddenly rising precipitously or plunging to great depths.  I had forgotten that, after the effort of scaling those peaks, pulling oneself out of those crevices, eventually one would have to stop and breathe. 

    My brain finally went on strike yesterday.  I had been increasingly tired, not because I was doing too much, not because I didn't have spare time, not because I wasn't allowing time for sleep, not because I was sad or depressed or overwhelmed, but just because my brain was trying to tell me to stop already.  And I, of course, was ignoring that message.  I had been increasingly inclined to fritter away time on Facebook or the web, not productively, just mindlessly, and that if anything is a clear signal that my mind needs rest (and no overloading brain synapses with endless data is not rest.)

    Yesterday evening, talking to some friends who are far wiser than I, I realized that yes, sometimes one needs to just let everything go and be a little messy and wild.  Sometimes one needs to just do nothing, not think, not plan, just be there doing whatever even if that is nothing, nothing at all.  I skipped a class I had been looking forward to attending, went home, did nothing.  Even small routine chores seemed too much.

    This morning I feel rested for the first time in days.  This morning I was finally able to journal again.  This morning I was finally able to write a blog post again. It is not at all the blog post I intended to write.  But it is the post that needed to be written.

  • A Couple of Highlights From My Morning Walk

    Monday rolls around once again and my to do list is long this morning.  And yet it is April in East Tennessee, and even the simplest walk down my neighborhood street is filled with beauty.

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    We must remember to celebrate this, even the simplest of lovely things. 

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  • Willow

    Tikka and I walk toward the house with this lovely willow every day, and it always makes me smile, even though I can't really capture its magic with a. photograph.

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  • Final Thoughts on Big Ears

    It has been nearly two weeks since Big Ears and my notes from the Sunday concerts are still sitting on my desk, waiting for me to write this blog post.  And the delay was partially due to the general interruptions of life and Easter Week, but also due to the way that Sunday's performances and the close of the festival lead me to questioning what is meant by avant-garde. Don't worry.  I have no answers and won't wax too philosophical on you.

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    I suppose part of this questioning was simply due to the venues and performances I actually attended, and this may have been due to my own biases and choices.  It did seem to me though that much of what I heard, I would not classify as particularly avant-garde today, as it seemed to tap into or be a continuation of the music I first experienced in the 1970's and 1980's, when it felt very new to me, and now feels more comfortably modern but not necessarily something that makes me stretch my mental muscles.

    This rumbling in my head started in with the first concert I attended on Sunday, the Kronos Quartet playing 40 Canons by composer Bryce Dessner, The piece was easy to listen to, including some fascinating interplay between the stringed instruments with some subtly interesting tweaking of melodies, but struck me more as an outgrowth of old-school New York minimalism, than as anything remarkably new.  I was more intrigued by the movements that focused more melody and the deconstruction and reconstruction of melody than on those that seemingly revolved mostly around variations in beat, but the younger members of the crowd seemed to be most enlivened by those very sections, the ones focused on beat more than melody.  This reminded me of my grandson, who seems to be focused more on beat and music that emphasizes a strong beat.  It made me question whether this is simply an aspect of youth — ie. was this how I listened to music when young — or a generational thing, and is my focus on melody, even deconstructed and fractured melody a sign that I am old, or at least out of touch with this generation of youth.  There are probably no clear answers, although I had also noticed the same phenomena at the Wu Man concert the previous day, with the greater applause and excitement being generated for the pieces which revolved around a more driving beat, and greater quietude along the softer more melodic pieces.  Perhaps this is as it should be.

    After a short break, the Kronos Quartet returned to the stage with Tanya Tagaq for a stunningly gorgeous performance of Tundra Songs by Canadian composer Derek Clarke. In this piece the sense of rhythm and melody were more closely integrated, with Ms. Tagaq's throaty voice anchoring the at times ethereal and at other times wildly fractured swirling of the strings.  I had missed Ms. Tagaq's performance the previous day, but it generated a lot of talk.  I think this particular piece may have been a better experience for me, and I was happy to have heard it.  In the small crowded venue, with people standing packed together you could both hear the music with your head and ears, and feel the rumbling of Ms. Tagaq's deeper utterances through the souls of your feet up toward that sound.  It was an exciting performance.

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    Admittedly, at this point I was ready for a bit of rest and comfort, after nearly two hours on my feet and headed off to the Bijou Theater for to see Bill Morrison's film The Great Flood accompanied by Bill Frissell and his four-piece band playing the music he wrote to accompany the film.  The film and the music were lush, lyrical, and very moving, and well suited to each other, at times swinging and dancing, and at others mournfully flowing in harmony with the images on the screen. 

    There was a break between The Great Flood and the next and final performance I wanted to attend, so I wandered around town.  It was at this point, as others stopped for a meal or a drink, that I thought about how nice it would be to have a concert buddy or two to attend concerts with.  I don't mind attending things on my own, nor do I usually mind eating at restaurants on my own, but on this day I would have appreciated having someone with whom to share and discuss.  Friends are available, but I hadn't yet made the effort to connect with them for this purpose, something to correct in the future.

    The last concert I attended was Max Richter's Vivaldi Recomposed at the Tennessee Theater with members of the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra, the American Contemporary Music Ensemble, and soloist Yuki Numata Resnick.  Before the performance even began, as I walked to my seat, a bourbon in my hand, I could not help but smile as I overhead a young man ahead of me state to his female companion something along the lines of how could he not be happy listening to Vivaldi with bourbon and popcorn.  It reminded me that during Symphony performances one is not allowed to bring refreshments into the theater, although it is allowed for other performances, and how, if classical music is to survive, I continue to believe a way must be found to make it more accessible, and fun and probably that word — fun — is an important part of the formula.   This particular concert was a step in the right direction.

    But on to the performance, which was, for the most part, spectacular.  I was amazed at the intensity and precision of the musicians of the Knoxville Symphony.  Their performance was absolutely breathtaking, and I hope they pursue more events and concerts like this as they had me on the edge of my seat.  They far outshone the American Contemporary Music Ensemble, which played with less precision as well as without the warmth of the Knoxville musicians.  Unfortunately I was less thrilled than the audience at large with the performance of Ms. Resnick, who did not necessarily distract from the performance, but did nothing to enhance it. 

    As to the music, to my ears I was clearly listening to Vivaldi's The Four Seasons.  Yes it had certainly been disassembled and reassembled, and although there was a strong hint of minimalism in this remaining of the work, it was not a brash minimalism, but rather a softening of a work to make it accessible to modern ears.  It was Vivaldi and it wasn't.  It was beautiful but then it struck me that was perhaps too modern, too beautiful, too accessible and almost soothing to modern sensibilities.  That does not mean it wasn't worthwhile, wasn't worth listening to, and I think there are great opportunities here for the symphony to work on ways to attract larger audiences. I wish the symphony would work out a way to play more works like this along side the traditional repertoire, not separately from it.

    And that led to my final thoughts about the weekend, and my musings on the nature of the avant-garde. As I listened to Vivaldi Recompossed it struck me that this new reworking of The Four Seasons was probably more accessible and less avant-garde than the original.  Of course, in its day, the work probably was shocking; but actually if you actually listen to it in depth, with attention, Vivaldi's work is actually more challenging, more upsetting, and more shocking to one's understandings and perceptions than Max Richter's was. 

    It struck me that I had neatly bookended my weekend: First with The Bad Plus's Rite of Spring and finally with Richter's Vivaldi Recomposed. Both made me look at the works differently, understand them differently, appreciate them in new light, but both works were also victims of their very modernism, and both lacked the shocking emotional weight of the originals.  We need the new, but we can't really afford to lose the old.

    So what is avant-garde?  Is it something new or unusual or different from what is expected and mainstream? Or is it something controversial and shocking, something that shakes your awareness into looking at the world or some aspect of it differently from the way you had perceived it before?  Perhaps both.  But in that case the avant-garde can be mainstream, and the mainstream can be avant-garde. Or can it?

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  • When Someday becomes Today

    Monday afternoon Tikka and I just hopped in the car and drove to Atlanta.  Well, it wasn't quite that spur-of-the moment, but I had only decided to go on Sunday afternoon, so it wasn't all that planned either. But the trip was monumentous because it is the first time in years that I have done such a thing, and by myself, probably the first time in decades.  I've always dreamt about "someday" just going somewhere to see art or hear music, or just for the fun of it, but those dreams have remained just that, dreams.  Until Sunday afternoon, when, curled up on the sofa with Tikka and Moisés, I realized that my schedule was clear until Wednesday.  Just like that, "someday" became "why not".

    It was a fun trip.  Although it hadn't started raining when I left, it rained pretty much the entire trip south.  We had fun anyway.  Message to my new travels-with-dog self, a towel in the car is a useful thing.

    We stayed at the Grand Hyatt in Buckhead, which was perfectly lovely and friendly too.  Tikka was happy to meet new people, although also a little overwhelmed at the abundance of new sights and smells, and everyone at the hotel was very kind and helpful to both of us.  We arrived late, and it was still raining, so we didn't walk around much that evening but instead curled up in a big chair in our room.  I was happy that the room was very comfortable, and had lots of lights and accessible plugs for charging various electronic paraphernalia.  The ottoman was easy to move so that Tikka could jump up and take her side of the king-size bed.

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    In the morning, we discovered we had a beautiful view of the Japanese garden through our rain-soaked window, and we promptly went down for a walk.  Buckhead is a good area for morning walks, and the hotel was conveniently located with easy access to many nice walking areas. There are also nice coffee shops and cafés in the area with outdoor tables, where I was able to drink my coffee while Tikka watched the passers-by, although I did go back to the hotel for breakfast.  I am happy to report they even had gluten-free toast and English muffins, and they weren't bad. 

    The reason for my trip was to go and see an exhibit at Jackson Fine Art of works by Mona Kuhn and Matthew Pillsbury.  It was well worth the effort and I spent a fair amount of time in the gallery, mostly looking at the work of Matthew Pillsbury.  But Mona Kuhn's work surprised me and has stayed with me more than I might have expected. 

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    I was already familiar with her work, and although I was interested, I have also come to understand that I am not usually a person who is drawn to portraits in art.  But perhaps usually is the key word here, and I can be surprised. I was enthralled by the layers of light and shadow, the layering of light in the images of her nudes, and they way they implied a sense of half-seeing, of playing with hidden-depths and semi-revelations in the figures.  Unfortunately, although you can get some sense of the layering of light and image in an internet photograph, the print, up close has a dimensionality of depth that cannot be reproduced online.

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    I was also taken by some of the non-figure photographs, and wished I had asked to see more.  I got a small sense of that same feeling of seeing and not-seeing, of things known and unknown.  I regret that I had not examined these more fully and look forward to hopefully seeing more of this work in the future.

    Tikka and I took another walk, ran a few short errands and headed home.  I needed to be back in Knoxville today, and so didn't really have time to trek off to other venues, but that was ok.  The trip was enough in and of itself.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is ok to make a big effort for a seemingly small thing, and the rewards may be greater than anticipated, greater perhaps even than cramming too many things into a small space.

    Mona Kuhn, Mirage II, 2012, courtesy Jackson Fine Art, here.

    Mona Kuhn, Private, 2013, courtesy Jackson Fine Art, here.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A little Knitting

    New project on the needles:

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  • Books Read in March 2015

    March was a busy month, and yet I managed to read more than I had in the previous two months. Once again, my reading was mostly light escapist/entertainment, and that worked well given my time constraints and lack of focus.  Despite my best intentions I only started one book that was on the reread pile, and once again I did not finish, not because the book is not excellent, not because I didn't want to read it, but because of a toxic combination of time constraints and sinus issues that left me feeling like I could not devote adequate attention.   A book I read this month also got added to that pile, but I shall go ahead and list it, with the indication that a review will be forthcoming but not probably for a few months. This list, after all, serves mostly an accounting function.

    Books in the order read:

    Jeffrey Archer, A Prisoner of Birth. This was the first novel I have read by Archer and I found it to be a rather gripping read.  The reader knows what happened from the beginning; the question is how is the man who is falsely convicted going to prove his innocence?  I particularly enjoyed the court scenes and struggled with a few of the antics surrounding the mistaken identity portion of the novel, but this was not enough to make the novel less enjoyable.  I also like the way this book is both riveting thriller about injustice and revenge, and also about our ability to change, the potential everyone is born with, the ways in which we categorize and misjudge people based on appearances, and the ways we are all prisoners of our birth and circumstances.

    Suzanne Munshower, Younger.  A Kindle First book. It was listed as an espionage/thriller, and although that may be technically true, it didn't measure up.  I read it because I had a bad sinus headache and could hardly move. Not recommended.

    Alan Furst, The Spies of Warsaw.  Another first-time author for me.  It is really not a spy novel in the modern spy/thriller sense.  It is more of a novel of espionage and the politics surrounding the fear of and preparation for war.  The scale is small and nuanced, with a sense of restraint. Although the book is not particularly gripping, not particularly suspenseful, the reader becomes wrapped up the story and regrets having to leave. I felt the book, and the character's actions had a work-a day realism that really emphasized a sense of the tension and dread, denial and suspicion that existed in Europe in the late 30's. I will read more by this author. 

    Tom McCarthy, Satin Island.  Fascinating novel despite its lack of plot or traditional characterizations.  Intelligent and thought provoking study of modern life, its connections and disconnections.  I was especially struck by the way the narrator accumulates data on things that might be interesting (I have been known to do that), but especially by the way this obsession with data and information both overwhelms and obscures, and the way we are both more informed and yet less connected, and perhaps even less knowledgeable.  I waffled back and forth over this novel and in the end can state that I find it unsettling, but not necessarily something I wish to read again.  

    Nick Hornsby, Funny Girl, A Novel. Shallow.  Although I didn't think it was great as a novel, I did think it would make a great movie.

    Chuck Grosser, The Gemini Effect. Thoroughly enjoyable apocalypse fantasy.  It is not realistic, and frankly better for not being realistic.  I want escapism, where hopefully some good guys win in the end, I don't want to be terrified.

    Cixin Liu, The Three Body Problem. An excellent novel, heavy with science, which I wish I had been able to delve into more deeply.  This will be read again, probably over the summer, and reviewed at that time.

    Lauren Bacall, By Myself and Then Some. Candid.  Better early on, but I definitely wanted to like this more than I actually did.

     

  • Holy Saturday

    I love Holy Saturday.  It has a familiarity about it, a sense of waiting, a sense of not knowing what will happen. We actually spend most of our lives in Holy Saturday, except that we don't admit it.  Holy Saturday is the day we honor that sense of waiting, that sense of faith that things will get better, that knowledge that no matter how much faith we have, we don't really know what will happen.   Will Easter ever come? Holy Saturday is a day that reminds us to trust and wait.  Holy Saturday is a day that celebrates Not Yet.

    Not yet.

    Not yet seems to be a message I need to grow into, and although I am becoming more comfortable, I am not yet completely at ease with this sense of trusting and waiting and accepting that when the time is right to do something I will know it.  But I can also see the necessity.

    I tend to think too fast, to latch onto an idea and rush forward headlong into the breach.  Wait.  Not. So. Fast… Wait.

    Holy Saturday is a day of waiting, but not necessarily a comfortable day.  Good Friday is past, but Easter is not yet here, and we only know it is coming due to the weight of history that has come before us.  But past performance is no guarantee of future results.  We must have faith.  We must wait. Not Yet.

    I am sure my own sense of waiting will not end tomorrow morning.  Life is rarely so neat.  Perhaps I'm not waiting for an answer at all.  Perhaps waiting is not only a step to a goal but a goal in and of itself.  To accept that the time is not yet, is to accept that the now is, in and of itself, enough.

  • Whole Foods

    Whole foods opened in Knoxville last week.  Although I had every intention of braving the crowds that first day, there was little point.   It was one of those busy weeks, where I was mostly out of the house, aside for breakfast and two other meals, which I already had covered.

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    Still, I was excited.  Although I've never lived in a town with a Whole Foods, I've been a fan since the mid 80's, when Whole Foods began their expansion across my native state of Texas.  There were many years I purchased items at Whole Foods to carry back to New York in my suitcase. I was thrilled when they opened a small store (much like the Knoxville store) in White Plains, and George and I would stop at the Columbus Circle Whole Foods for sustenance and snacks for the train ride home when we went to concerts at Lincoln Center.

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    And so, I knew I would be happy when I walked through Whole Foods on Monday.  I was not disappointed. The produce I saw on that first visit would be enough of a reason for me to shop at there, as I have truly despaired of the quality of produce found in the stores in this town, especially the vegetables, and I eat a lot of vegetables, especially of the leafy green variety.  Initial impressions are good, but only time will tell how the produce department holds up.  Many times I have been momentarily thrilled only to be disappointed over the long haul.   Of course, I have been spoiled by many years of buying produce from local farms; and grocery stores, unless they make an effort to source locally, cannot compete. Come May, I will be once again probably buying most of my produce from local farmers. 

    They had samples of melons the day I went, but they weren't particularly ripe.  Aside from berries, I don't buy that much fruit, except for berries and perhaps green papayas and avocados.  Otherwise, I think of fruit as a dessert. If you eat a lot of what I think of as standard fruits: grapes and apples and bananas, I would agree that one is better off elsewhere.  But I think of grapes and bananas as sugar balls or sugar on a stick, and they are rare treats for me. And grocery stores aren't usually the best source for really fresh seasonal fruits anyway, although Whole Foods may be better than most. I suppose this is another side effect of buying from farmers:  I want my fruit to taste and smell like it is fully ripe, like it is supposed to taste and smell.  If fruit is a seasonal indulgence, I can live with that.

    As to the "Whole Paycheck" reputation of the store, that has never really bothered me.  I've never been one that will sacrifice quality to save money and am pretty immune to the cost of food if the quality lives up to expected standards.  I agree that high cost does not guarantee quality, but I increasingly believe that we have gotten so used to cheap that we have forgotten about the quality of what we use to nourish our bodies, and this has taken a toll on our health. That doesn't mean I don't have a budget.  I do and I stick to it, but nothing upsets me more than throwing out food, be it food that I bought too much of and didn't eat, or produce that looked good and spoiled more quickly than it should of.  If I want chicken it will be organic and free range; if I want beef or fish, they will be of similar suitable quality; if I want parmesan, it will be aged parmigiano reggiano or I simply will adapt my menus to do without.  That doesn't mean I buy only expensive items, but it means that I buy with care, only what I truly like, and only what I will truly use.  I cook rather than depend on packaged foods. Studies show that cooking only actually takes a few minutes longer than preparing meals with packaged foods, and is healthier to boot.  Cooking does however, require time in thought and planning, at least until one gets a few basics under one's belt.  But basics are not complicated and can lead to an infinite array of options.

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    George and I would have made short work of one of those Spanish mackerels, but alas they were slightly too large for one,  There is a very good fish market in Knoxville, and a good butcher as well, and I will continue to support them, but the fish market and the meat market both look good, and expanded options never hurt.  And although I like to buy local organic free-range chickens, doing so requires some planning and there are times when I just want chicken now and appreciate the option of being able to buy it without driving clear across town.  The local Earth Fare carries organic chicken, but the supply at the Bearden branch is slim, and driving across town to Farragut makes for very expensive chicken.  If Whole Foods maintains their selection of meats and poultry I will be a customer.

    And yes, even though I don't' buy a lot of packaged foods, I do buy some things and I did wander the aisles.  There are some things here, and especially gluten-free choices, corralled in one place, that I would usually have to go to three or four stores to acquire, stores that are on opposite ends of town.  Even if the prices are slightly higher, and I didn't check,  buying them at Whole Foods is still cheaper than the vehicular cost (both in gas and maintenance) of driving around town,  Yes I am a nerd that way. That is not even considering the things now available in Knoxville that I previously had to acquire through the internet. So perhaps, from my perspective, this makes Knoxville even more livable. It won't be my only store, but then I have never found one store, anywhere, that could be my only store. It certainly expands the options.

  • Timeless and Out of Time

    I was not a concert-hopping fool this weekend.  I did not bop in and out of performances, did not try to go to everything, and I am perfectly content with my choices.  I had a good time.  I may have missed something amazing, but I am ok with that.

    I intentionally took it slow on Saturday.  Slept late, puttered through the day, rushed nothing. Although it was tempting to wind myself tight as could be and go downtown and revel in the music, it was also all too apparent that time to unwind was a greater priority.  This one of those occasions where plans and reality actually aligned themselves. It had been a busy week.  Sunday was overscheduled and I knew that I would push myself to do and see and hear as much as possible.  I needed to refuel.

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     I did go downtown to one concert, a performance by Wu Man at the Square Room.  Sitting on the floor, legs crossed in front of me I found the music at times to be very meditative and calming.  In fact Wu Man captures the world in four strings and the music had incredible depth.  It felt timeless: ancient and modern; alternately spiritual and worldly; simple and complex.  And yet, even in those worldly songs of battle and other human concerns, my inclination was to pull inward, and relax into the music. At one point even the sound of water, slowly gurgling beneath the melody, flowed through her strings. 

    I could not help but think of an infant lying on a blanket very close to where I was sitting, could not help but hope that this was a good thing, this music filled with history and humanity, this oasis in a world often filled with dissonance, the now, and the rush to the future.