Author: 459856pwpadmin

  • Blog Break

    Today I walked in the sleet and watched it turn to rain.  I watched the rivers down my street, and the icy slush in the grass.  I watched the ice fade away and turn to puddles. Transitions. 

     

    It struck me that I have been unfocused and distracted, really in need of a break but not permitting myself to take one.  This benefits no one, and I think it behooves me to listen to my body and my mind and give them both the space they need.   I've decided to take a week off, maybe two.  I'll be traveling, and I'll be home.  But I'll also be back. 

  • A Few Highlights From the Past Week

    My new sneakers arrived (mentioned previously), which allowed me to walk further.  I have decided that although neutrals are good for street shoes, I like my athletic shoes to be as bright as possible.  No sleek sneaks for me.  Or maybe I've just finally accepted that  I'll never be sleek and therefore don't have to worry about it.  There is a certain freedom in that, much like the freedom that came with accepting that my Uncle Dick may have been right and I'll never have style.  If I'll never have "it" whatever "it" is, I don't have to worry about "it".

    Sneakers

    What a relief.

      Icelandic

    It was bitterly cold on Wednesday.  And although I don't really like bitter cold, it gave me a rare opportunity to wear a favorite Icelandic-style sweater I knit long ago, in the late 1990's.  This sweater is knit in thick brushed cashmere, not an original idea, as I was inspired by similar cashmere sweaters in one of the French RTW collections.  I don't remember the details, which is one of the reasons I originally started a knitting blog.  Even though I had doubts about whether or not I'd ever have the opportunity to wear this sweater in Knoxville, and it is not really my colors, I still love it.

    Carrot cake

    I also started baking again this week.  Even though I somewhat underestimated how much time I needed, the process of baking was thrilling and invigorating.  Sharing something delicious with others is always good.   I made two carrot cakes.  The first was a test.  But it was still delicious, with only minor tweaks necessary, that were more related to presentation than taste.  It is not quite traditional, as it has a French Meringue buttercream instead of cream cheese frosting.  But delicious nonetheless.  Both cakes disappeared.  And I forgot to take a picture until the very end. 

    Snow

     

    We got some more snow on Friday, and it was snowing when we took our morning walk.  I love the sense of quiet and peace of snowfall.  We walked and romped and played a bit in the snow, me pretending to be a small dog, squatting and kneeling as we jumped and fluffed snow in each other's faces.  Tikka accidently slipped into a small dip in the grass and ended up covered, as she got up and shook the snow out of her fur she slipped and slid a few inches, wide-eyed, discovering the joy of the taste of snow, and the excitement of prancing in clouds of fluff.  I think we both enjoyed the snuggle upon coming in even more, me with a cup of coffee, Tikka wrapped in a towel in my lap.

     

    Alas the snow is no more and the weekend shall be busy.  But there is always time for a cuddle and a cup of coffee.

  • It Must Be Lent

    Matthew Pillsbury

    Although this post is appearing Thursday morning, I am sitting at my desk late Wednesday night struggling with words.   I am tired.  The words do not want to flow, driven, at least partially, by a an internal battle with my own unrealistic self-expectations.  I wrestle with my internal gluttony, not in the most common sense, food related, but in my constant drive to overdo, to think I can do more than is reasonably possible.  The war wages on, even as I see myself slowing, taking more time to savor, and often not giving a flip as to whether I have met anyone's expectations, even, at times, my own.

     

    It must be Lent.  Somehow Lent has always resonated deeply within me, and indeed I can measure my life not in terms of calendar-years, or school-years, but in Lent-years, as there is always some transformational, and/or transfigurational process going on, sometimes right up front and center, others perhaps a little more in the background.  And yet I always emerge, far from unscathed, and yet somehow more whole.

     

    Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, was bitterly cold.  But it was also sunny.  And it was the first day that my house was bright again, filled with a joyous glow.  For a moment, a brief moment only, the dreariness of winter was banished, and the tantalizing promise of light was revealed.  I suppose that is one of the things I love about this period.  Rebirth will come if we are willing to dive deep.  Even at times in my life when I have not been a member of any religion, Lent has been an essential part of my being.  Even when I would rather have turned away, even when I would have denied the possibility of transformation, Lent has had its way with me.  We see it all around us. Fall, becomes winter, becomes spring.  Why should we not have our own winters? Our own Springs? It is a powerful idea, Lent, a ritual that points us toward truth.  There must be period of drawing inward, of earth, of rest and regeneration, of sprouting seeds and new roots, of death, a shaking off of the burdens the expectations of others, of life itself, has dusted over us, before we can reemerge, reimagined. 

     

    The sunshine.  The joyous glow of spring light.  The soft mystery of the church half-lit for the evening Ash Wednesday service.  Silence.  Upturned faces.  Looking in the eyes of the other and seeing Love.  These are the things worth living for.

     

    I suspect this post is nonsensical.  It doesn't matter, and for that reason I will not look at it again in the morning before it posts.  Much as the rational mind seeks to find the answers to everything, we still find ourselves searching for something greater, some meaning to make sense of it all.  I sometimes think we've lost the mystery of ritual, lost an important signpost on the road to meaning.  For me, all that searching is wrapped up in Lent.  I go in looking for answers.  I come out with knowledge I never thought to seek.

     

    (update 8:03 AM:  I still haven't read this post, and am not certain I wish to do so.  But as I gazed on this photo in the wee hours, I realized that, this morning at least, this image needed to be added.  Photo courtesy of Jackson Fine Art, here. Actually posted on the blog once before, last April.)

  • Books, Read and Unread

    Remember how I said that I was increasing my activity with moderation in mind?  Well, that was a lie.  Not intentionally so, but once again I let my enthusiasm and stubbornness get ahead of my better judgement and I pushed a little too hard.  Last week I paid the price for that, and it was a reminder that I relied on George rather than myself for control as his was the voice of reason and moderation, as opposed to my own inclination to overdo (even when doing nothing).  I do in fact know when I am pushing too hard, but my innate stubbornness pushes that voice down as far as possible and it is long past time that I learned to listen to my own internal voice of reason and perhaps learn to seek my own internal balance.

     

    Anyway, the result was pain, a new pair of sneakers, loss of sleep, and some light reading.  It doesn't sound so bad does it?  But I am still suffering from the residual loss of sleep, and a bit of overstimulation which I in no way regret.  Hence the lack of posts last week. But, if moving into my 50's, and even my late 50's now, has taught me anything is that I no longer worry about justifying my activity or lack of it, and I am more willing to just acknowledge the ups and downs of my nature and move on.  Part of this is just accepting that "only human" is not necessarily a flaw, but a gift, even when it means embracing all that it means to be "only human".

     

    GentlemenBut onto the reading.  Over the course of a couple of insomniac periods I entertained myself by reading Joanne Harris's Gentlemen and Players.  The book had been on my stack quite a few years now I think, and had originally been recommended by my mom.  I don't really know why I put off reading it when I would read other books she recommended, even though I tend to think of her choices as bubble-gum reading.  Regardless, I am happy to have finally read it, and it was both better than I anticipated and not quite what I expected.   I think the technique of telling the tale in alternating voices, from two viewpoints, is both difficult and well done, and there were some interesting twists in the story.  Even though I figured out who the second voice actually was fairly early in the narrative there were still enough twists and detail to keep me interested.  If revenge is a dish best savored slowly, the book was one that I could savor, could enjoy reading, but in the end, the conclusion was just that, an end, and a bit of a hollow victory.  I had the sense that there was too much of a reliance on predictable stereotypes, and, although the author did manage to capture a sense of longing for something in each of her protagonists, the promise of fulfillment was never delivered.  That probably was too much for me to expect.  Although I did enjoy the book, it is not something that I see myself reading again.

     

    ChristianityAnd what is on my desk now, in process or waiting to be read? 

     

    First up is Diarmaid MacCulloch's Christianity: The first Three Thousand Years.  This is the text for a class that started in September and will continue until May.  I am reading a chapter a week, with a brief break in January for other reading.  I must admit that I am happy to be back to this book, and happy to have the opportunity to read it slowly, as I absolutely love it.  MacCulloch is an excellent writer, I had read his book on the Reformation some years back, and I have a couple of his other books sitting around waiting for my attention.  I look forward to each week's reading, and then after class I am usually so pent up with excitement that I can't wait to read the next chapter.  MacCulloch manages to make historical contretemps understandable in such a way as to provide insight to how some of these same issues and squabbles continue to plague human ventures.  He also has a marvelous dry wit, and many times I will read a passage only to pause, think, and reevaluate. 

     

    DisappearanceI also have to admit that I had too many books on my plate at one time in January.  I read all but one of them, and many others besides, but I also struggled with a rather uncomfortable level of distraction.  My goal is to be a little more focused this month, if possible, even while accepting that there are benefits to a certain level of distraction in life.

     

    The book I did not read, but am reading now, is Philip Wylie's The Disappearace. I read the first few pages in January, put it down, forgot it, and restarted it this past weekend.  I am only a couple of chapters in, but am thoroughly enjoying it.   Although the novel was initially published in 1951, and many things have changed in 60-plus years, I can already see that many of the underlying currents in this book are still relevant today.  Undoubtedly I will have more to say later.

     

    KissingerAlso on my desk waiting to be read is the first volume of Niall Ferguson's biography of Henry Kissinger, Kissinger: 1923-1968: The Idealist.  I tend to think Ferguson's insights can be brilliant, and sometimes terribly flawed, but then see above comment on "only human". It seems the book may actually provide an interesting point of balance and analysis that will go well with both the Wylie, and the ongoing theological and philosophical discussion that center around the class involving the MacCulloch.  Perhaps not.  But the timing seems good.

     

    If I get through the Wylie and the Ferguson this month, and manage to keep up with everything else, I'll feel like I've managed well.

     

     

  • Tuesday Trio

    FOMA FebruaryLast night I went to a wonderful concert put on by the local chapter of the American Guild of Organists and the Friends of Music and the Arts, a performance of music in the Jewish Tradition.  It was absolutely lovely, and a not at all traditional, way for me to spend a Monday evening.

     

    There was one delightful moment when a particular organ piece was played, and  I recognized it, as I had been idly looking over the score and listening to it in my head while it was spread out on a counter at the church. Even more delightfully, it was far more beautifully realized than I had imagined it.  This is perhaps not surprising, as the organ is not actually an instrument I imagine well in my head when reading scores, other instruments come more easily to my thoughts,  but it was a magical moment nonetheless, as I listened to the music and visualized the notes dancing across the page.

     

    On the more mundane front, I've been experimenting with ways to use my homemade kimchi, and I am very happy with the results so far.  At first, I feared that the I had made the kimchi a little too spicy, but that was mostly because I served it as a side with a pork chop, and perhaps I needed something else on my plate to balance its heat.  I've since tried it with the roasted brussels sprouts recipe that Frances recommended in her comment,  and it is excellent as a side dish, and mixed into a morning hash or omelet.

     

    I've also made this kimchi omelet recipe several times, and it is wonderful for either breakfast or a light supper.  In fact it seems that kimchi and eggs are just meant to go together, and I have begun experimenting accordingly.    And since I live in Tennessee, and there is apparently a bit of a porkish theme going on here, kimchi also pairs beautifully with pulled pork barbecue.  The garlic and the heat enhance the smoky flavor of the pork.  In fact, kimchi and pulled pork would probably make a fantabulous sandwich, except that I don't have any gluten-free, dairy-free buns in the house, and don't feel like making a batch just for me. (and I haven't found a store-bought bun I'm willing to eat again)  I'm perfectly happy with my pork and kimchi on a plate, or made into a kind of hash with an egg (of course).

     

    All of this is just a long winded way of saying yes, I will be making more kimchi.

     

    Sunrise

    Lastly, since I did not plague you with terrible iPhone photos of kimchi, I shall instead plague you with a pretty terrible photo of the mountains in the distance taken during my morning walk on Sunday.  It reminds me that I really should carry a camera with me, and learn to use it.  I will, one of these days.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Interrupting the expected

    It was very foggy Thursday morning, foggy and icy. Foggy enough that I couldn't see very far ahead going down the hill in my neighborhood and I was reluctant to take Tikka for a walk even on our relatively low traffic street.  Truthfully she wasn't particularly interested in the sharp icy grass either.

    January Fog

     

    We walked later. We've been taking an afternoon walk regularly, often at Victor Ashe Park, which is only a couple of miles from here.  I could actually walk to the greenway trail that goes around and to the park, it is only about a mile from my house, at the end of my neighborhood, but my walks have been shorter lately.  At first I walked until I started coughing.  I no longer cough when walking, but the prolonged inactivity has taken its toll and I walk until I reach the point where I don't think I can push through my back pain.  That distance is getting longer daily, and the afternoon walks help because the park is not nearly as steeply hilled as my immediate neighborhood, allowing me to walk further before crossing the threshold of intolerance.  Perhaps by summer we will walk to the park instead of driving.

     

    But I love foggy mornings.  The fog was much more dense at the bottom of the hill, than here, at the top outside my front door. One of the reasons I love fog is the way it interrupts everyday perceptions, and Thursday's fog lasted longer and interrupted my routine far more than I had anticipated.  Fog obscures the expected, and I always have this sense that anything can happen. I am drawn to the magical aspect of fog, of the opportunity to see or touch something special, but with that magic always comes the whiff of danger, of threat.  That's the thing about fog, the beauty and mystery are combined with a touch of fear; it brings us to the edge of something I shall simply call awe, and invites us to step in.  But we can't really cross over. We can't handle realizing how little control we really have in our lives for very long.  We need the expected.  We need our illusions.  but it is also good to be reminded that what we see is shaped by what we have seen before, it is not complete. 

     

    Driving in fog frightens me. sharpens my awareness, and this too is one of the things I love about fog.  Somehow this week I loved the foggy ice even more, the sharp prickliness when I touched the grass reminded me of the way fog pricks at our nerves, they way we sometimes need to stumble a little in order to open our eyes to the world beyond our own self-interest.  That same day, Frances posted a photo of commemorative plaques in the pavement, between the stones and cobbles in the Jewish Quarter of Rome.  The plaques are there to remind walkers of the Jews who were deported.  The photo played hand-in-hand with the fog in my thoughts, reminding me of how we can become blinded to how much we are all connected, how each of our histories is one history,  and how little we actually see of each other, how little we see of ourselves.

     

     

     

  • Cleaning out Closets

    Four years ago today we closed on this house. Then the process of unpacking and settling in truly began.  I don't know specifically why I thought of that today, about moving in, it is not an anniversary I have marked on my calendar.  Perhaps it is just that I have been cleaning out closets this week, and that act of clearing out and letting go, both physically and metaphysically,  has proven to be an interesting journey.  A journey that has hijacked and interrupted other plans I might have made for this past week, even other blog posts I had planned to write. 

     

    But the time for this particular journey is now.  It began with the master bedroom closet, and grew and grew until I had pretty much emptied every closet in the house.  Once again there are piles and boxes everywhere.  I was surprised that such a physical process, cleaning out, also had such strong methaphysical and metaphorical implications. But it appears to be so.

     

    This time I will see the project through to the end.  Every thing and every one has a purpose in life.  That purpose is not fulfilled by sitting in the closet waiting for "just in case".   I am determined to release the burdens of past-expectations, of failed promises, and lost intentions.  I am sure this will not be the last closet cleaning of my life.  But for now, I must see this one through.  I shall return, hopefully with a clearer head as well as cleaner closets.

     

  • Slow Day, Snow Day

    I took a rather slow day yesterday.  It was snowing outside and although Tikka and I went out for our walks, where we romped and played and got thoroughly wet and snow covered, we basically stayed home, curled up in the sunroom, watching the snow while ensconced in a cashmere.  Not such a bad life, is it?

    Snow

    I am apparently taking another slow day today as well.  My sinuses are acting up, and my energy levels are low, low, low.  I don't think I am sick though, hopefully just an accidental dietary indiscretion with its accompanying histaminic reaction.  It is as good a day as any to feel under the weather, the sun is shining, the snow is melting, and all my appointments for today were cancelled.

     

    My New York self would say that it wasn't that much snow, which it wasn't. But Tennessee is not upstate New York either, and I was perfectly happy to stay home.  I read my assignment for tonight's class, which has now been cancelled, and took the unexpected gift of a big block of time as incentive to get back to work on cleaning out the closets and storage areas of the house.  I'll continue to work on this today, and probably the rest of the week.

     

    But I also spent time reading and doing needlework. More importantly, I've found inspiration time: time thinking and dreaming and sketching a little bit, time working on inspirations for sewing, for needlework, for my home, just general ideas.  To say the least, it felt good.  It has been a long time since that creative spark has fired, and although I think it is still mostly sputtering, it is wonderful to see that life is still present.   I've never considered myself particularly creative, and certainly not artistic, but that drive to make things my own, to envision the world in a particular way and shape my external environment to echo my inner thoughts and visions has always been there.  As I clear away the deadwood, it feels like things are falling into place.

     

  • Overlapping Stories

    I've been lost in a story, lost in a stories actually, intermittently layered through a busy few days.  The story is Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff, a novel that I have been savoring, often slowly, rolling it around in my mind  in secret stolen moments much the way one savors a truffle, letting the sensation slowly coat the taste buds, and imprint itself into memory; at other times reading greedily, hungrily, offended at the daring of the world to intrude. 

     

    Fates and FuriesIt is the story of a marriage, in one sense, and of all marriages in another, although of course specifics will vary, and one may be even driven to think "no! no! This is not me! I do not know people like that!", except that, if one is this reader, one finds, the more she gets into the book, the more she does in fact know people exactly like these. Perhaps less extreme, perhaps less archetypical, but perhaps not, because we also all have hidden selves, hidden darknesses, hidden voids waiting to be filled. 

     

    The novel is a story of a relationship in which each person becomes whole through the relationship with the other, "in they came integers, out they came squared", while at the same time never really knowing the other. It is told in two sections, Fates, and later, Furies, just as a relationship is built upon two distinct and separate points of view.  In order to begin to understand either, or the relationship as a whole, you must read both.  It is a difficult technique, and it is done well.  The book may be too literary for some, the characters too much the embodiement of their stories for others, but the novel itself is fabulous, written in beautiful prose, often stormily ambitious,  often raw with pretention, as are the characters, as are each of us at some point in our lives although we may prefer to think not.  It is a story of passion and deception, betrayal and loss, and ultimately redemption.  It is a book that is not always easy to read, although it draws the reader in deeply, but also not easy to forget.

     

    This weekend I also went to a concert, part of the Knoxville Symphony's pops series.  The concert was a performance of the music from Fantasia and Fantasia 2000, with the relevant film segments shown on screen while the music was performed. It was, of course, wonderful. I remembered seeing Fantasia when I was quite young, and I wondered as I watched and listened, about my lifelong love of music, and about my propensity to read stories into music….. was Fantasia at the root of this propensity, or did it simply open a new door to an already imaginative child who loved to read, loved stories, loved music, giving her a new way to create new worlds within her imagination? 

     

    FantasiaLive

     

    I have to admit that I had never seen Fantasia 2000.  It was visually stunning, and modern, and I would have loved to share it with my grandson.  (Note to self, this may be something to watch and share with family.)  There were, in fact, a couple of pieces from this newer film that made no sense to me and with which I struggled.  Oh they were clever and beautiful and I understood the stories they told, but they jarred with my own internal representation of the music.  Perhaps my own preferences and tastes were too far shaped by that earlier magic. And perhaps seeing and sharing again, with a younger generation, will create new insights, new memories, and open yet other doors.

     

    Owen in Music Man

     

    It was also the weekend of my grandson's school play, The Music Man, Jr. version.  So very ambitious for a small elementary school. So joyously performed.  Each year, the school production grows better, each year the children shine a little brighter.  

     

    So many temptations. So many escapes.  So many versions of ourselves to be found each of them, in the way the magic of story carries us away and shows us something of the world, our own history in it, and the way our own perceptions grow and are formed. So many opportunities to escape the routine and share something magical with others.   

     

    Stories interleaved with stories.

     

    Book Cover: Lauren Groff Fate and Furies, courtesy of Amazon. here.

    Fantasia Live photo courtesy of Knoxville News Sentinel, here.

  • The Sixth Thing

    Yesterday's  Five Things post was supposed to include the review of another book, but it didn't make the cut.  This was not because the book wasn't worthy, but more likely because my thoughts on said book were still in the blather stage, and not ready for public consumption. Having an additional 24 hours of mental rewriting has helped considerably, although my thoughts are still wild and unkempt things, and they are already banging into other thoughts and creating new and varied reactions, which probably have nothing to do with the original book. So be it.

     

    The book is Hive Mind by Garrett Jones, who is an economist at George Mason University.  It is written for a general audience, and I found it to be fascinating and highly readable account of an important and perhaps overlooked subject.  Jones leads the reader through evidence from a very wide range of fields in support of his basic argument, which is actually stated in the title: "Why Your Nation's IQ Matters So Much More Than Your Own".   The author manages to be simultaneously confidently persuasive while remaining somewhat cautious regarding what it all means.  This is, in fact a good thing.  Jones manages to mostly avoid falling into the various rabbit-holes and dead-ends that invariably open up in any discussions of IQ and inequality (either separately or together), and although there are a few places where he is inconsistent, a few times he seems to slip into mainstream generalizations, overall, there is a lot of food for thought here.  In fact the sense I got from the book was as much "this is an important attribute of successful economies and the way they improve the lives of their participants" as  "and now what are we going to do about helping others to share in the same opportunity". But that may be due to my own biases as much as to the book itself.

     

    Of course it is this second question, the "What are we going to do about it?", that continues to roil about in my thoughts. And of course my thoughts meander to what this means in my own local economy as well as in the wider world. Although Jones does not talk about economies within countries directly,  concentrating on differences between rich and poor nations, he does apply this information to disparities within countries as well, albeit briefly, using India and Pakistan as examples.  And there is great danger in extrapolating large population trends to specific small examples; but there is also danger in ignoring the larger trends.  Again, the point is that these differences seem to be important, and if they are important, then finding ways to improve the average IQ of large parts of the world is also important. 

     

    So this book, which is interesting in its own right, has raised up many questions in my heart.  And I don't know where they will lead.  And Jones seems to be raising a big question, one that is not being adequately addressed. We are not addressing it in our aid to foreign countries, especially sub-Saharan Africa.  We are not addressing it in our work within the unequal economies that exist in our own country.  We see data that relates IQ to race or economic status, and we look no further, because it is easier to dismiss something than to think about all the reasons that a disparity might exist, especially when the reasons are complex and multi-variant and may reflect badly on our own assumptions, especially when they infringe on our own sense of self vs other. Jones hints at some possibilities, he references studies that may lead to possible answers, but "may" is the critical word here, these are hints, not prescriptions.  He asks the question but doesn't claim to know the answer.

     

    This is a holiday weekend in the USA, a weekend in which we honor the memory of Martin Luther King Jr.  It is a weekend in which we need to honor the right of each and every individual to be seen and treated as an individual,  equal to each of us in every way, full and complete within themselves, fully worthy in an of themselves, each full of potential, as are each of us.  It is long past time we honored the soul of humanity that exists in each and every one of us, and allowed each and every human the opportunity to achieve full fulfilment as individuals.

     

    One of the lasting values impressed upon me at an early age by my father is that knowledge implies responsibility.  I suppose it was his version of "noblesse oblige".   Knowledge is not some abstract idea that we can just stick in a box out of the way until it is convenient.  Knowledge always raises questions, sometimes questions upon questions.  And it is how we respond to those questions that determines the quality and authenticity of our lives.  Each of our lives is uniquely valuable, no matter what the arena in which we find ourselves.  Each of us must ask questions.  Each of us must find our own answers.

     

    But the questions remain.  Are we asking the right questions?  And if we are not, what questions should we be asking? And of course, What are we going to do about it?