I am learning to walk again. At least that is what it feels like today, at this particular moment.
I walked before. But those immediately post-surgical steps were small mincing steps, the steps of someone who was still frozen in place, who could not move normally, the steps of the immediately post-surgical me. The first three days there was no question of normal gait, there was just tentative stiff movement and a body decidedly tilted to the right.
Now I am no longer frozen, and my legs want to stride forth in some semblance of a normalcy. And yet, to my surprise I'm not quite sure how. It is like all movement is precariously balanced on one tiny point and the tiniest mistake can bring it all crashing down. I know this is, to some extent, true. My back has been fused fromT1 to L4 since I was 15. That leaves only L4-5 and L5-S1 for balance, for movement. What happened to bring me to this point was probably gradual, a long series of misdeeds, and now here I am, balancing on this tiny fulcrum, this L5-S1 disk, so critical to protect and yet so necessary.
I must find my center, and relearn how to move deliberately, seamlessly, contracting and attempting to align muscles that only grudgingly deign to cooperate. I call up lessons from Pilates, from Yoga, but my muscles are not yet strong enough, are not yet fluid enough, and the delicate balance of this dance called walking proves elusive. I think I am doing well only to let my mind wander away from the task at hand, for my body to make some minute miscalculation on a tiny intra-muscular level, and I am frantically trying to figure out how to extricate myself from potential collapse.
I remind myself that balance, be it emotional, intellectual, or physical, is not learned in grand gestures but in small steps. Very very small steps.
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4 responses to “Balance”
Such a big task. All my best wishes.
And those small steps will lead to success! Praying for you and I hope that helps in some real way.
My first response to this post, my instinctive one, would be to say that I can’t imagine what it would be like to re-learn walking. But because you write so well, I realize that I can begin to imagine, indeed.
In Pilates, my instructor often spoke of proprioception, and I suppose you are re-programming yours, in a way, or at least, reprogramming how your post-surgery body needs to respond to where it finds itself in space and where it wants to go. It’s always fascinating, even when it’s frustrating, to glimpse the intricate coding that governs what we would prefer to take for granted. Slowly, now, patiently, and with balance, one small step at a time, and you’ll get there. . .
Mardel, I think of you often and appreciate your posts on your progress recovering. It must be hard to be patient!