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Category: Miscellaneous Musings

Looking Back, Moving Forward
Below is a post I wrote for Restingmotion. I am cross-posting again because basically I am considering retiring this blog again and rolling everything back into a single space. I will still write about sewing and needlework, but under one heading. I very much think I broke everything out into separate boxes again just because I was generally struggling.

Anyway, let me know if you have thoughts, any thoughts.

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Somewhere around about the time of my last blog post my brain started working again. I felt as if a switch that had been jammed for a long time suddenly slipped back into position. It was that sudden. I was still tired, I was still recovering from my fourth cardiac procedure of the year, but suddenly it felt like a cloud had lifted and whatever remnants of my old self that were still hanging on stood up and listened,

As I was suddenly finding myself increasingly alive, increasingly doing, I also found that I stopped writing. I had no urge to write. As is evidenced by the erratic nature of this, or these, blogs over the last two years, this was part of an ongoing struggle. In many ways I write to make sense of who I am. And yet, in many ways the "me" in me was in hibernation. As that dormant part of myself began to reawaken, I found I needed time for reassessment and nesting. Writing would come in its own time.

Anyway, I am still here. I can honestly say the last 3 1/2 months have been the longest period of good, at least in terms of health, since July of 2020. I don't yet feel like I am out from under the mountain because the simple truth is that I was barely coping and there are tons of the daily stuff of life with which I was barely managing. I did what I needed to do. I tried to explore my creative instincts. I read a great deal, but I am not convinced that all the circuits in my brain were functioning. Of course they weren't functioning. My brain and my body were in siege-mode. I was doing what I needed to do to get through it all, and now I am dealing with the wreckage that surrounds me. But the wreckage is the past. All that matters is now.

I am a different person than I was on the eve of my 62nd birthday. Pain, cancer, heart issues, all these things changed me. And although we like to say that getting through these things is a journey, and when we come out on the other side we have achieved something, the truth is that for the most parts these are journeys we would really rather not take. We are changed. And parts of us are lost in the process. A part of who I was before has been erased, and a part of who I am today has yet to be discovered.

And yet, the need for an assessment prevails. Not an assessment of illness or health, nor necessarily either an accounting or an owning-up. I suppose I simply feel the urge to reflect on a few trends.

I read 83 books, fewer than in the previous few years. My reading slowed considerably in the last three months of the year and I found myself beset with an urge to reread, even books I had recently finished. I reconned this a shift in my mental landscape, perhaps an acknowledgement that something essential had been missing. This is not surprising. I have always been a collector of words and ideas, of books, not just a reader. For me reading is relationship, and a worthwhile relationship, like a good book, grows with the retelling. Primarily however, my reading slowed because my ability to do increased. In the business of resettling and rebuilding, there is peace in the slow progression of words on a page, of ideas filtering through the interstices of thought.

2022 was also a year that I managed to do more sewing, and more in the studio than I had in the entire time since George died in 2013, more than since I left Hyde Park at the end of 2011. This despite flirtations with heart failure and four cardiac procedures. This despite long weeks where I felt very much like I was living at the bottom the ocean. Small though my accomplishments were, they were very much a good thing.

The photos in this blog post are mostly gathered from various posts on my sewing blog, which is once again being retired. I will never be the world's greatest seamstress, embroiderer, weaver, any of that. I don't care and it doesn't matter. Nor do I always want to maintain a blog devoted to a single subject. You will simply have to put up with me. The original decision to retire sewdistracted was sound, its resurrection arose from my own feelings of division and loss, feelings that are best returned to the past.

Here also is an accounting of sorts.
1. I did a lot of alterations. I needed things to wear and I was stubbornly resistant to going out and buying things simply because I could. Some things were bought, it is true, but many things were taken in and a few were completely reconfigured. I only posted two of the many items I altered, (a linen tank/tunic that surprisingly is still in my closet, and a pair of slacks).
2. There was a steady stream of church related sewing, both in terms of mending and making new items.
3. A friend and I made a plastic-wrap sloper/muslin and I worked with that somewhat, although not enough, both modifying knitting patterns and working on sewing muslins.
4. I sewed three simple summer dresses.
5. I fitted five muslins for future dresses, all basic styles that I will be made and worn, perhaps in multiple iterations. This was done during a fabulous seminar at PaperMaple Studio in New Orleans, another experience that did wonders for my state of mind and improved skills.
6. I organized my pattern stash.
7. I organized three corners of my studio. There is more organizing and sorting to be done. Yarn remains only partially unpacked and there is an entire closet to design and put to use.
8. I went to the boro stitch workshop at Arrowmont.
9. I went on a sewing retreat with friends and I thread traced a dress.
10. I finished said dress only to decide I didn't like it. I proceeded to take it apart, and redesign it in a way that I think works better. I have not yet completely put it back together.
11. I made gifts, mostly quilted, mostly small projects, but not all.
12. I started to refresh my embroidery and hand-sewing skills. At first I despaired that my fingers would ever work again, but eventually my fingers began to cooperate, stitches became more even, the feel of a needle and thread became calming rather than stressful.
All in all I sewed 39.6 yards of fabric in 2022. It is not much, and yet it is more than I have sewn in many years. For the most part I was happy with the projects I completed. I sewed more fabric than I bought, also for the first time in years.
January 12, 2023
Studio Time

Poor studio. Mostly ignored for the past six months except as a place to pile up hopes and dreams. Those were too often disguised as ungainly piles of things.

The stairs were too steep to climb during the worst part of my cancer treatment. Sometimes I would start out filled with hope only to become quickly overwhelmed. There was the day all my energy was burned up sweeping piles of yarn, fabric, and patterns off the cutting and pressing tables and onto the floor. What a mess that was!

All because I had been looking for the ball winder. Of course, it had been right in front of me all along.

I needed to wind yarn for a shawl, for a blanket. I have been working on both of those since. I have also been sorting through my closet, which had become what felt like a bottomless black hole of things that did not fit. I lost 35 pounds during my cancer treatment. My weight has been stable the last six weeks or so, but my dimensions are continuing to shift slightly as I gain energy and do more. I need things to wear. I need to make things also, but there is no point in working too far into the future. Already a pair of pants I purchased in September need to be altered. This process of reaching a new normal will take months; I should not plan or work too far ahead.

This is the pile of things that are currently unwearable but are also workable. It ended up being about a third of the closet contents. It took me nearly a month to try on everything. The process took so long, and was so exhausting that and a few garments, such as the above mentioned pants, started out in the "keep" pile, and eventually moved to alterations pile.

This past week, having finally gone through every drawer and hanger and shelf, having also donated boxes and bags of clothing, it was time for further analysis. The contents of the chair were broken down into three piles:

1. Things that only need simple mending but otherwise work. (3 garments)

2. Things that can be altered or slightly remade into wearable garments.

3. Things to deconstruct and reuse — things that can be reconstructed into something new.

As you can see, piles 2 and 3 are about equal in size, and may in fact be somewhat fluid. The simple mending pile includes two coats and a sweater. Since it is now coat and sweater season, these will be the first things I tackle; they are also the easiest things to tackle. By the time I get to piles 2 and 3, my perspective may well have evolved.

Already my perspective is evolving. Why give away or donate everything? Even though I have a sizable stash of yarn and fabric, why give away clothes that no longer work when they can be made into something else? Just because I purchased an expensive garment and wore it twice, why should I donate it? Is the silk worth using for something else? Why discard the worn? Why not mend? I already have too much to actually suffer from living with less, but is there any reason I actually need more? There are no real answers to these questions other than to wait, to play, to see what evolves.

In the meantime I have started on one simple mending/refinishing project. This was not in the stacks above, but already in my stash. I finished this sweater in April, after it was too warm to wear it. But I did not like the way the front edges curled and felt it needed more stabilization. I spend occasional time over the summer thinking about what I would do, but never actually getting started.

Now, I am ready. Now my fingers are ready (almost) to hold a needle and sew in a petersham band along the inside front edge. I actually don't know how this is going to work out, but it is worth a try. My fingers still struggle with holding the fine needle, but each day I can sew a little more. I always loved handwork and still do, even if I have grown slower and slower.

I will be back as studio time progresses. 2021 has not gone as hoped. 2022 may not either. It is not the speed of accomplishment that matters, rather the fact that work, that play, that the urge to make remains.

November 22, 2021
Making My Own Path

Do you ever feel like you keep learning the same lessons over and over? Each time, every time, you think "duh!" Or you say to yourself, "I've got it now"! You know in your heart of hearts that you will remember this lesson and life will get better, but then, once again you forget. Or you know but you don't know, meaning you fail to extrapolate from one situation to similar ones.

Duh!

No, I did not make any mistakes, I did not make any foolish, rushed, and/or silly errors. In fact studio time was happy time this week.

I pressed the linen for the pillowcases. I cut pillowcases. I only had enough for three, rather than four, so there will be more pillowcase making in the future. Luckily I still have two white linen pillowcases in use. They are over ten years old, and until recently, they were used every night I was home, so I don't expect them to hold up for another ten years. But the problem wasn't really that I miscalculated, it was that I started with erroneous assumptions.

I thought about pillowcases, I really did. I knew I was not going to make a traditional standard-sized pillowcase, as I tend to toss and turn and squish my pillow during the night. I hate it when the pillow starts to come out of the pillowcase. I also hate double casing pillows to avoid that problem.

I thought about shams with buttons in the back. But again, I find buttoning and unbuttoning pillow cases on laundry day to be incredibly annoying. Then I thought about making envelope-style pillowcases, you know the kind where there is an opening and an overlap in the back, and you load the pillow from the middle. But I find those annoying as well.

In the end, I opted for sewing extra-long pillowcases, pillowcases that are closer to the size of king-sized pillow cases, although my pillows are only standard or queen sized. Why? Because I like the way folding the excess fabric inside the pillowcase makes a neat little bundle that retains its shape no matter how much tossing, turning, or pillow punching occurs during the night. Also I do not mind stuffing the extra length down into the pillow case to make that neat package. I am happier stuffing my hands down into the pillowcase to make a neat fold than I am buttoning and unbuttoning, or stuffing a pillow from the middle. Pillows encased in this manner are easy to fluff and straighten each morning when I make the bed. They make me happy and are therefore worth every inch of extra fabric.

Decision made, I proceeded, alternating marking and cutting pillowcases with photographing and cataloging fabric, spacing out my time and balancing standing time with sitting time. I serged the first pillowcase. The only reason I did not finish was that I forgot the white thread was back in the house, where I had been using it to mend a few items. There was still some mending to be done so I decided to finish the pillowcase another day.

In the evening I spent a happy hour hand sewing, mending an edge where some soft cashmere had begun to fray. I was reminded how much I love hand-sewing, and how calming it is to me. I would rather sew a narrow hem by hand than by machine. This surprises me because when I was younger I hated hand sewing and wanted everything to be done fast. Perhaps it is time to let go of that image of myself and accept who I am now and how that affects the way I want to work.

I keep telling myself that I don't want to make things in a hurry, that I don't want to work pressed up to a deadline. And yet I continue to put myself in that position. There is no need. I need little. I am fortunate enough that I could buy what I needed if I chose to do so. There is no reason to make myself rush. I can putter and sew, I can putter while I sew. I can set up my embroidery or needlepoint station in a corner of the studio so that when my back is tired of standing, or I've hit a wall for whatever reason, I can sit and stitch and self-soothe.

Why didn't I think of this before? I suppose I simply wasn't ready. I felt like there was a battle between my need to make things, and my competing need to have less not more. But this tension was based on erroneous assumptions. It is not about making more just to have or make more, but about the process, about the making, about who I am in when I am puttering about in my creative place. I suppose I always struggled with this dichotomy. I always strived to be a person who got things done, and yet deep inside I just want to get lost in the doing.

February 1, 2021
Why I won’t take in alterations.

photo courtesy of fontplaydotcom.

People who don't sew think nothing of asking if I will alter this or that for them. I've had strangers at home depot ask if I will alter their jeans. I always say no.
This really isn't that unusual; it happens to most of my sewing friends, and most of us decline, with exceptions for family and the like.

My issue with alterations is only partly that the people who ask usually have no appreciation for the skill or work involved, although that is an issue not to be taken lightly. I am stubborn. I enjoy sewing partly because I am creating something functional out of something flat, in which case probably any sewing would suffice, but also because I like to be in control of what I create. When I am sewing something, even if it is just an alteration, I want it to fit my vision, and I am a very grumpy craftswoman when my vision does not match that of the person who requested the alteration. It has nothing to do with the ease or difficulty of the work to be done. Sewing is my hobby, and although I may chose to alter my own garments to fit my own vision of how I want them to look on me, I reserve the right not to provide this service to others. It is a completely selfish stance and I stand by it.

Most of the time.

I just shortened a bunch of pants for G and the actually cutting and hemming went very quickly and easily. It was a fast easy job and the results made G immensely happy, which is more than enough reward. But I did not go into it all smiling and happy-like.

We agreed on two points.

His pants are too long. They weren't always too long, but apparently as one loses stature with age one does not lose it entirely through the torso, although it could be just be his increasingly stooped posture that causes the pants to drag on the floor.

He was willing to take them to the dry-cleaners to be shortened, but we both agreed that he would have to wait too long. Since these are not fancy pants (they were machine hemmed to begin with), I agreed that it would be easier if I shortened them for him, in which case he would be able to wear them the same day and would stop tripping over his pants legs and falling down.

But we disagreed on two points also:

First I was in my selfish mode and I wanted to finish my skirt first. I figured that waiting a day or two for the pants was still better than waiting a week for the dry cleaner.

The second issue was sartorial. I thought G wanted to hem his pants too short and I didn't like it. I thought I didn't particularly have issues with how other people chose to dress even if I wouldn't chose their style for myself. But apparently I do have issues about how my husband choses to dress. He wanted his pants to be hemmed at the ankle, the shorter the better, and I frankly wanted them a little longer, not long, but long enough to cover the ankle bone.

In the end I relented on both topics. If I feel I spend all my taking care of him and the house, that is my issue, not his, and it is not something over which he can exercise any control. And, of course, they are his pants, and what is of paramount importance is that he be happy with them, comfortable in them, and that they do not cause him to fall. So I made them shorter. Not surprisingly it was no harder to sew them short than long.

That doesn't mean I will start sewing for everyone else. Family, friends and neighbors need not bother asking.

June 28, 2010
Day lost? or Inspiration Found?

Yesterday was a good day.

Despite some upsets and delays I got all my chores done and still got a little bit of time in the sewing room. Not that I got as much done as I hoped for, but that really isn't surprising. I did get the front of my skirt placed, cut out and all the thread tracing done, so I am satisfied with that. It did take me a while to get the feel for the hand basting again, and I made a few mistakes in the beginning.

Today was not so good. Or was it? The plan was that I would finish cutting and marking the skirt and its lining, but it didn't quite work out that way. After some tensions early in the day, I let my frustration get the better of me and I frittered away my time catching up with blogs and surfing the internet. Although a part of me feels like I should have been more productive, I also realize that this semi-mindless state gave part of my mind a break, time to process things I was avoiding with serial activity. When I pulled myself together and got on with life, I suddenly had answers to a few questions I had been puzzling over. All in all, a day well spent.

I do sometimes think that it is those mindless daydreaming hours that are the most productive even though they don't seem to yield anything upfront.

May 5, 2010
Marfy giveaway

I am still putting my "House" in order, physically and metaphorically. But I am not working to quickly. It is important to enjoy the days as well.

I am sorting and cataloging my sewing patterns. I have just finished going through the Marfy patterns. I have not made a Marfy pattern for 5 years, but I have acquired a few in the meantime. Actually I am quite happy with my choices, I still want to make these garments, although some are perhaps a little too formal for my current life. I am not willing to commit to never using them though.

There is one Marfy pattern in which I have no interest, and no, it is not one of the patterns I bought, which is gratifying. It is one of the pattern sheets that comes with the Marfy catalog. This one is from the Winter 2007/2008 catalog and includes patterns for two skirts, pants, a blouse, a shirt-jacket and a lovely little cape. I will not make any of these patterns.

I have decided to give this pattern sheet away if anyone wants it. The six patterns are on a fold out pattern sheet and need to be traced. The sizes included are 42, 44, 46, 48, 50, 54, and 58. Remember that Marfy patterns do not include seam allowances or instructions. A size chart can be found here. Although there is also one available on the McCalls website, I prefer Marfy's as they list measurements in both centimeters and inches and I don't have to do the math.

Pictures of the garments are shown here and I will include them with the pattern sheet. I no longer have the book though, these pictures were cut out of the book and pasted to a file folder.

If you are interested in the patterns please just leave a comment to that effect. If more than one of you is interested I will draw a name on Saturday morning using a random number generator.

March 15, 2010
New Vogues Have Arrived

I ordered the new Vogue patterns after the last sale and have been haunting the mailbox. Is it just me or did they seem to be taking much longer than usual to ship them out? I don't know, but fretting about it certainly kept me somewhat dithery.

As for my January goals, I actually did pretty well with those. The goal was to get back into a routine and also to carve out some time that was my time alone to devote to solitary pursuits. I am not exactly putting in an hour each day on everything but we have a system and a routine, and most importantly I am getting to the things I want to do. I have not been in the sewing room every day, but I have put in about 6 hours a week the last two weeks and there will be things to show eventually. I am mostly working on muslins now, and it gets a bit repetitious. Besides I had abandoned several projects in varying stage of muslin-fitting and it has taken some time to recreate each process and figure out what I was doing before, and if it is worth continuing the project. And frankly, I am perfectly happy with my progress even if that means that at this point I am more devoted to my gym time than my sewing time. This too shall pass.

Unfortunately, this week has been absolutely devoid of sewing time. Granted it is only Wednesday, so I do have time to make that up; and I did spend some time catching up with blogs and internet sites from which I had been absent. I'm not trying to pull the plug on my internet activities, but I am trying to find some kind of balance between living my life in my life and following all of your activities online. Balance is difficult for me in a way. I tend to bury myself in whatever I am doing and let all the rest slide, but I am trying to be more balanced and I think it is paying off.

February 3, 2010
Seduced by Spring

I seem to be suffering from sewing ADD as a friend put it so aptly a few days ago. Every day I intend to sew. Every day I am seduced by the garden, or by other things that I feel I should be doing. I haven't yet accepted that if I put things off for a year or two already, another day or two or three won't really matter.

And yet I really do want to sew and I am thinking about the beautiful colors of all the fabrics that are waiting for my attention.

But the spring days are so lovely, and I am not doing the hard work yet, just weeding, and cleaning out beds, and contemplating the future. I go out in the yard and the world seems filled with peace and possibilities; I forget to come back inside. I will be chased indoors soon enough.

I just want you to know I am around.

The new Marfy patterns arrived. I've been meaning to file them for 3 days. I might do it tonight. I have some new fabric too, and loads of new ideas. You will be hearing from me again.

March 31, 2009
Dreams and Community

Before I went away to the rain-soaked South, Karen nominated me for a sisterhood award and I was (and am) so flattered. I really meant to write a post thanking her.

Now, upon my return I find that Jenni has also nominated me. Of course I hightailed it over to her blog and where I found myself trying not to drool over the stack of bills waiting to be paid while I looked at her fabulous new trenchcoat. Do go look.

I think these awards are great, and I am extremely flattered to be nominated. Everyone who blogs puts themselves out there everyday and of course the best award is to have your words read by someone who cares about what you are doing, and for like-minded people to share their thoughts and comments. The sharing of blogs is another way of showing that we care about the efforts of our blogging sisters.

I am supposed to nominate 10 more bloggers. But I need to think about this a bit. Many blogs I read have been nominated and I don't want to nominate the same blogs again and again. I am also always discovering new blogs and I want them to be included. You are all, after all, my sewing and blogging sisters. So I will update you with the new links in the future.

Meanwhile I have been home 48 hours and have not sewed. Partially this is my own fault as I overly optimistically cut back on my allergy meds the first night home and had to take a dose yesterday morning to compensate with the result that I was drowsy and foggy brained all day. I was definitely not in any position to be wielding scissors or manning a sewing machine.

On the way home however, I dreamed about sewing. Specifically I dreamed about a coat. Obviously I have coats on the brain even though I really want it to be spring and not coat weather.

The coat in my dreams is rather vague but I remember it as somehow being a cross between the Marfy coat I am currently working on and the jacket from Simplicity 4046 which I made a few years ago. I know that, looking at these two patterns, it doesn't make sense to me now, but I woke up distinctly thinking of these two jackets. Or perhaps that was just confusion and longing.

Mostly I remember the color. The collar was a beautiful shade of deep aqua or a dull turquoise in a soft plushy wool velour or cashmere, and it also had cuffs in the same aqua color. The rest of the coat was two shades of gray or taupe, I think more taupe, with a seam below the bust with some kind of embellishment.

I think the overall shape is more the Marfy in length and style, but the neckline would be more like the simplicity pattern if it were properly interfaced and constructed.

This is a very vague description. I can't even draw it as I keep thinking everything I draw isn't right. But I need to remember this coat.

Someday the fabric and the pattern and my inspiration will all come together and this coat will make its entrance into my life.

March 19, 2009
Tilt

I finished a sweater last weekend and although my knitting has its own blog, the finishing and photographing of the sweater has sent my mind wandering down the path of fitting and style and how I want clothes to appear, or not appear.

Hence it has wormed its way over here.

I shall show you the photo that prompted all these ruminations. I included it in my flickr album, not because it shows the sweater to any advantage because it does not. In fact it shows me and the sweater to disadvantage.

You can see the problem. It is not the sweater's fault. The sweater is perfect. Everything is the same length. The weight of the cables do not pull the sweater forward.

It is Matilda. You see she tilts forward as if she is bending forward from the hip, with her back held straight.

Oh how easy it is to blame the dressform. But the truth is that Matilda was made from a cast of me. And I too bend forward from the hips.

I would prefer not to be faced with this daily evidence of my own faults. In fact, when Matilda first moved in I would walk into the room, see her, turn around and exit. I couldn't bear it.

Do I really tilt forward like that? Does my left hip and butt really jut out like that, so much further than the right?

It was not pleasant. But Matilda has also been very helpful with some fitting issues, and many things that confounded me no end became much easier.

But I never really dealt with this tilt problem. It is easy to ignore. I generally avoid looking at the profile view, and take even greater pains not to see the rear-end view, excpet to make a specific check for particular flaws. But I avoid the big picture. And Matilda has not had legs for so long that I forgot how she stands relative to the floor.

Now I can't do that anymore. And I can't really fix the problem with my own stance. It is what it is, regardless of age or weight or fitness. The simple truth is that I have scoliosis, my back is fused from T1 to L4 and I stand the way I stand.

Matilda is a casting of me wearing flats. I lean forward. I suppose I need to lengthen the back of my jackets to accommodate this. Because I lean forward I suppose that the garments hang down from my bust making me look somewhat like W.C. Fields. I should probably deal with that too.

This photo tells me lots of things. It explains why my back hurts when I wear flats and stand or walk all day. To think I used to love hiking. Perhaps hiking is not so much in my future. This is something I have thought about. This explains why I like to go up hill. I am upright. It also explains why I hate to go downhill, because I am already leaning downward and the slope makes it worse. Too bad that I can't always go uphill.

Now, when I wear heels, the tilt is not as noticeable. That is because I have to compensate to stand up straight. Apparently I bend my knees, which tilts my back backwards so I look more straight. The sweater hangs properly then. But my shoulders are back behind my butt, and my tummy sticks out beyond my bustline even though it actually doesn't. I am beginning to see why I think fitting the back of a jacket is so important. It adds an illusion of slimness which I at least don't get from fitting the front. It also explains why I get away with not looking particularly busty.

G tells me I always bend my knees. I don't stand with straight knees ever. Apparently I would fall over if I did. If I am in heels I bend them more which makes my pants buckle at the knee. This is why wider pants are more attractive than very slim pants.

If I wear heels my back does not hurt. It is convenient that I live a suburban life dependent on cars. Wearing heels is not so terribly inconvenient. I occasionally think I would love to live in a city where I could walk. This would be more problematic. My back may prefer heels, but even at 50 I can say that my feet definitely do not. My feet hurt when I wear heels all day.

So there are decisions to make. The clothes and the alterations for me in heels are not going to be the same as the clothes and alterations for me in flats. So I have to think about how I am going to wear a garment when I make it. I can see that perhaps what works and looks good will be different depending on the shoes, depending on the tilt. I am not yet ready to give up heels. Am I ready to give up caring? Not quite.

I am not sure where I am going with this yet. I am still thinking. But it bears thinking about. As for that sweater, well I have enough yarn to lengthen it, but I don't think it needs lengthening at the bottom but further up at the upper back. That will make the shape look good. I don't think I will do it. I can just wear this jacket with a bit of a heel for now. That doesn't mean that I won't do it some day.

February 3, 2009