Author: 459856pwpadmin

  • Cutting Room 1: A Little Sunshine On A Rainy Day

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    The first four of five Billy Bookcases are up.  Only one top extension is in place, and the doors are not on it yet, but I have started moving fabric into the lower cabinets.   The fifth cabinet was damaged in shipping and I have to send the damaged parts list to Ikea as soon as the top extensions are finished. 

     

    I can't claim any responsibility for the results so far other than buying the cabinets and helping lug them up the stairs.  I am grateful to know a couple of good handymen and am very happy that A has taken on this job since I know I would be nowhere near this far along were I attempting it myself, and I would probably be lying on the floor with my feet up on the sofa feeling stiff, sore, and frustrated, and too tired to unpack fabric.

     

    My only other responsibility so far, other than moving tons of stuff around and helping carry, has been to crawl around the garage floor while I glued large pieces of plywood together, and haul more heavy stuff around to weight the pieces, in order to make the 42" x 108" (3 1/2' x 9') top of the future cutting table.  

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    Seeing the assembled slab of plywood lying on the floor, although not in its final place, I see that although the cutting table will dominate the room, I will have room to work around it, and I am happy at that thought. Only half of the base cabinets have arrived, and two of them are awaiting assembly.  The final cabinets should arrive this week, and the materials for finishing the top probably this coming week or early the following week.

     

    I probably won't get more fabric moved today as I'm hosting a dinner party this evening.  But I can go upstairs and sigh occasionally, and dream of the space to come.

     

     

  • Update

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    The pillow made from my needlework class sampler arrived yesterday.  It turned out lovely, although smaller than I imagined it would be; I obviously had trouble in my mind translating the flat two-dimensional fabric to a three-dimensional pillow.  It could also be that the other pillows in my house are less tightly stuffed.  Nonetheless I love the way the shape of the pillow itself brings depth to the stitches and I am surprised to learn that I like the pillow far more than I liked the completed canvas in its flat form. I am also happy that I sent it out rather than planning to do it myself as it would still be languishing  in a pile somewhere, just one among many ufos.

     

    I am working upstairs, organizing my studio.  I am starting with the 9 x 17 foot space that is destined to be storage/cutting/pressing room  and from there I will move to the second room, which will be the primary sewing room.  All that has been accomplished so far is to move everything out, including the rolling metal shelves that were being used as fabric storage  (seen here, only imagine them about 3/4 full of fabric) The two shelves pictured will remain in the attic for storage, although the fabric will move to the new storage wall once it is assembled.  I am expecting big deliveries of components for my new huge cutting table today and the components of the storage wall on Thursday.  Then the real work will begin.

     

    I unpacked about 20 boxes yesterday, as well as moved furniture, and there is more unpacking, organizing, building, and putting away to come, so expect posts to be spotty. 

  • A Peek Inside The Vanity

    Sometimes it is the simplest things that bring the greatest joy.

    IMG_0547For example, the other day I found myself stopping at JoAnn Fabrics.  I wasn't planning on stopping at JoAnn, but there I was and stop I did.  While wandering around, for no reason other than that I was there, I saw a package of small plastic pots meant for storing paints.  It occurred to me that they might solve a problem I was having with lipstick storage.  

     

    Actually, they worked better than I anticipated.  I had expected that I would need to glue the cups to some sort of backing to keep them stable, but they just fit tightly between the dividers already in place.

    Photo-1Everything is easily at hand and exactly where it is supposed to be.  My lipsticks don't fall over when I open the drawer and I can easily see each one.

     

    It may be a sign of some kind of neurosis, but I like being able to see things and find them easily.  I hate rustling around in drawers that are too full with too many unneccessary things.

     

    Or perhaps it is just that my idea of what is necessary is changing. I've come to the point that I don't want to keep a bunch of stuff around, even the kind of stuff that tends to clog bathroom cabinets and drawers.

     

    Of course I am not so evolved that I think 8 lipsticks is at all excessive, not to mention the pile of glosses in the cubby to the left.

     

     

  • Opening Doors

    Closed-doorA week ago I was driving home to Tennessee from a trip to the Hudson Valley and I was struck by the idea of home.  G, at the time of his death, knew that he lived in Tennessee but still felt that the Hudson Valley was his home, whereas I had a hard time giving up the idea of the Hudson Valley as my home, had a hard time accepting Tennessee as my home, but somewhere along the line had realized that Tennessee surprised me and welcomed me and had in fact become more of a home than the place I had left.  On my last morning in New York my thoughts were focused on returning home, and I knew I had successfully traversed a great divide.

    Ostensibly this trip was to be a farewell, a closure of sorts, to a husband/father/brother.  But I never felt that way.  It was a trip I dreaded not because I disapproved of what we were doing, scattering George's ashes in the Hudson river, but because it was too soon, and I had not yet returned to that place that had been our home, had not yet stared memory in the face.  In  some ways denial was easier in Knoxville because, although I lived in a house with G, G's life in this place was very constrained and remained centered around home.  Nothing here reminds me of him, there is little we shared, my external life in this place was always a separate life.  Nights were hard of course, but during daylight it was easy to escape.  The Hudson Valley, however, was where we shared our lives for 29 years.  I needed to return to this place filled with echoes of the past, echoes of the person I had been in that time, but I needed to return on my terms, to face my own memories, not the memories of others.

     

    Besides, grief does not accommodate itself to human convenience, and closure cannot be achieved simply by a ritual act if that ritual act comes too soon.  Our inner selves require far longer than a few short months to acclimate themselves to loss, and if we try to cut the experience short, much as society seems to pressure us to do just that, we deny ourselves true peace. 

     

    The plans changed as I drove north.  The boat had engine trouble.  We were not to sail, and, after consultation with G's children, it was decided that we would reschedule for next summer.  And yet I continued driving north, knowing full well it was a trip I needed to make, a trip better not postponed. Besides, G's ashes were with me in the car and I had promsied to take him back to the Hudson Valley; it was time.

     

    The trip was good for me.  I spent three days with old friends, friends who knew me before G developed dementia, friends who knew the person G had become.  For the first time since I moved to Knoxille, I spoke with people who remembered the man I married, the man I wished his children would have gotten to know, the man I fell in love with and loved until the very end. More importantly, I spent time with people who knew sides of myself that had been hidden to me recently, people who had seen other reflections of me, in different lights, people who helped me open doors to aspects of myself that had to be put aside due to necessity and emotions which were clamboring to be set free.  

     

    When you are young and promise "til death do us part" you have no idea what that means.  Often we don't take it seriously enough. Sometimes one partner or the other, perhaps both, are not up to the demand and we fail.  All we can do is give it our best and often that is not enough, often it is more than we bargained for.  What we don't realize when we are young, or at least what I did not realize, is that although love often requires to be selfless, even the act of putting aside the self  to help the other is in fact a full realization of self.  Somewhere along the path I learned, not willingly I assure you, that every moment, every thought, every thing we do is an expression of our true selves.  Too often we spend our lives in waiting, dreaming of a time when our true "life" will begin, wasting life, never realizing that every action, every thought, every moment of every day is our true life, is the truest expression of our true selves.  It is what we do or don't do that marks us, that we are remembered by, and it is when we can align our every action with our thoughts and our heart that we are most truly human. And yet, we are complicated creatures, we can not be all things at once, in any given moment, but over the course of time, of a life well lived, we can be everything that we hope to be.  

    image courtesy of Heather Conrad, here.  Truthfully, I found this image at least 5 different places on the web, none specifically claimed ownership or had an attribution, one location was a site I wouldn't use as a reference if it were the last website on earth, so there you have it.  This was an arbitrary choice.  I hope it was a good one.

  • Eyes Wide Open

    I raised the shades the other day and I've been enchanted with the light and the view ever since. (pardon my inadequate late-afternoon cell-phone photo.)  Its not that there is anything particularly lovely outside (there is not) but just that Ilike the light, and the fact that the shades are up and the house is open rather than shaded.

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    The windows in this room, and the screened in porch beyond it, were one of the things that sold me on this particular house but for the last year, the blinds have been primarily kept closed.  George grew so he hated the feeling of the sun on his skin, and became increasingly paranoid about being in the light so we installed blinds, not opaque blinds, translucent ones, and the light was always filtered.  Granted, George would sit in the brightest corner, a point from which he could see everything going on in the house around him, that same bright corner currently occupied by the caramel-colored barrel chair.  That corner was formerly occupied by George's reclining chair (photo here), which he called the elephant, and which I had to remove as its presence became something of an elephant in the room after his death, where it seemed concentrate all the emptyness and lonliness of the house.

    The elephant chair, and the closed blinds, were, in some ways, physical representations or symbols of the closing in of George's world, the way the world as a whole was falling away and the present was becoming smaller and smaller.  I recognized the need to eliminate the elephant immediately, although it took me a few days to find the right arrangement of furniture to fill the void left by its absense.  And yet, it did not occur to me to open the windows until last week.  I simply floated around in that filtered light, cocooned until it occurred to me that the goal was not to fold myself inward, but to open my eyes and look outward.  It was time to let in the light.

    Now, I love to sit in that corner in the afternoon with a cup of tea and the mail, reveling in the light, often with a cat on my lap.  Sometimes while I sit I think how happy I am, sitting in this corner in this chair, and I recall, with some amusement, that these two chairs barely made it from New York.  I wanted to leave them behind and was talked into keeping them at the last minute.  Once here, they didn't seem to fit anywhere and I was constantly fretting with them and shifting them hither and yon, until now, where they seem to have found the perfect spot.  

    How much of our move has followed this same pattern? Indeed, is this not true of much of life?  We are always moving forward, and yet we try to shape the world to our preconceived notions of what we think we want.  And yet past experience is not necessarily predictive of the shape of future events.  Different places, different people, different interactions, allow the light to reflect off different facets of our complex and multi-faceted personalities.  As we grow in experience we can allow ourselves to be open to the new, to let go of expectation.

     

    At least this is what I hope.  I'm still working on that one.  I tend to be the fruit that clings to the tree, and yet I don't want to cling until I am too soft to bounce once I do fall. 

  • The little matchbox girl grows up.

    6402303Once there was a girl who liked to build furniture for her Barbie dolls.  She started with match boxes but then her repetoire grew and included all kinds of bits and pieces from around the house, including empty thread spools and scraps of fabric.  She started counting her pennies and saving bits of her allowance to go peruse the aisles of the local art store, as well as the Ben Franklin, where her head would be filled with dreams and she would find many treasures.

     


    Screen Shot 2013-07-17 at 10.20.35 AMAnd then she grew up and went to college, met a man, fell in love and got married.  But the husband came with a house, a house imbued with the history of a family lost.  The old, the dated, even the broken and nonfunctional was caught up in this dysfunctional history, a history that, she was to learn, was long and convuluted.

     


    BIL_CRYSBALLThat girl, a woman now, was me, of course.  And for a long time that little girl who built matchbox furniture was lost to me.  But the story of how she was lost, for how long, and why is another story, not the story I wish to tell today.  Today I am simply happy because she is back.

     

    However the world has changed and I am no longer playing with matchboxes.  Rather, realizing that I was floundering somewhat, and didn't quite know what I was looking for, much less where to start, I been virtually shopping on the world wide web and gathering my ideas on Pinterest.  Internet-shopping and pinning was a great way to pass the downtime while I was in Dallas at my mom's for a couple of weeks, and it also helped me to focus, both in a broad general sense, in terms of what appeals to me now, and eventually in a more focused way in terms of what I want to do with the house in Moss Creek and where to look when I actually start shopping.  I'm not the worlds busiest pinner.  And the way I look at the world, and the things in it, is very context driven, but I still can't say that my style fits in any particular category.  

    8WnXO7TnvJOvIHD1July is my play-time month. I seem to be traveling half the month and running around the other half with little time to work on projects.  But I do have fantasy time and this play time is helping me refine ideas and organize what I need to do next.  I don't quite know what the results will be the process is a lot of fun.

     

    Photo Credits:
    1. Diamond Match box from menards.com.

    2. Holland and Co. Dandy Console from Lee Jofa.

    3. Crystal Ball Pendant Light from Circa Antiques.

     4. Table by Jeff Johnson

     

    You knew I'd have to throw something modern in the mix, didn't you? I'm just ornery that way sometimes.  Too much homogeneity dampens the spirit.

  • Solace


    This paragraph, from yesterday's Wall Street Journal, resonates:

     

    "The literary classics are a haven for that part of us that broods over mortal bewilderments, over suffering and death and fleeting happiness.  They are a refuge for our secret self that wishes to contemplate the precious singularity of our physical world, that seeks out the expression of feelings too prismatic for rational articulation.  They are places of quiet, useless stillness in a world that despises any activity that is not profitable or productive."

    — Lee Siegel "Who Ruined the Humanities", WSJ, July 13-14, 2013

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  • The Return of the Bicycle Book

    Light fiction or non-fiction has, it seems, always been a part of my life, although not employed, as had been the case more recently, as a form of escapist or self-consoling diversion.  For many years I read light fiction at the gym, while pedalling away on an exercise bike, as a diversion, something to alleviate the boredom of the task at hand.

     

    Recently I have been reading bicycle books again, or occasionally listening, but the purpose is the same and the requirements are similar, I am resurrecting the term, at least for my own use.  The requirements are simple:  there must be some kid of plot or narrative that keeps me moving, the writing must be light or brisk but it cannot be so beautiful that I want to stop and savour the language, nor can the information be particularly thought provoking, because I will stop and ponder, and stopping is particularly beside the point.

     

    51jEMmks2xL._SY346_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_Several of the Cobbled Court series of novels I read recently were "bicycle books" in that I actually read them on an exercise bike.   One of the local fitness centers sent me a pass for a promotional one week membership, free of charge, in hopes that I would join and I took advantage, although I primarily just used the exercise bicycle and did a few stretches.  Considering the number of rainy days we've had, that exercise bicycle proved quite useful, and I am now considering purchasing one, or purchasing a stand for my bike, rather than joining an actual gym.  I'd still rather be outside when possible.

     

    But back to reading:  These novels worked well on the bike, as they move quickly and are engaging.  Although there were times when I wanted to keep reading after my exercise session, I managed to put them aside, and since these particular novels were short, I knew I could finish them in the next day or two (about 2 to 2 1/2 hours reading time).  They were a good reintroduction to bicycle reading and I will probably soon build up to longer books or novels (I read James Clavell's Shogun on the bike.)

     

    But when it is nice out I am walking.  I can't read a book when I walk, but I can listen to one and this has been a revelation to me.  Previously, although I could read on the bike, I could not read while walking on the treadmill.  This ability to read while walking on the treadmill was something I always admired about George.  He would get on the treadmill, crank up the grade until it was quite steep, put his New Yorker or Economist on the stand and start reading and walking.  I couldn't do it.  I would always stop.  I listened to music, not soul-soothing music, usually something danceable, often disco.

     

    I listened to audiobooks, usually when I was working in the garden, knitting,  or cleaning house, in settings where I could stop and ponder if I wished.  It didn't occur to me that there might be an audiobook equivalent of a bicyle book because, well, bicycle books were something I actually read while sitting on a bicycle, and, being a fast reader, I needed a tremendous supply.

     

    And then I moved to Knoxville and started walking outdoors, in my neighborhood.  It is a lovely neighborhood, and a safe place to walk, but I am not exactly communing with nature.  I need a distraction.  Enter the audiobook.  The pace of audiobook "reading" is slower but the requirements for listening while walking are similar to the requirements of reading while biking: there must be a narrative, the reading must flow easily.  Fiction is good, but once again, not the kind of fiction that makes we want to stop and reflect. Popular non-fiction such as current events, biography, or poplular science can also be good, as long as there is not too much hard science involved. 

     

    453231Sometimes I am surprised.  Of the three books on my current reading list, only one is a bicycle book. I purchased Leah Carpenter's Eleven Days thinking it would be a bicycle book, but already it is a book that makes me pause and ponder, a book to read a leisure.  I am listening to Steven Johnson's The Ghost Map while I am walking and it is proving fascinating enough to keep me moving a little longer each day.  As to John Muir, Travel's in Alaska is beautifully written, breathtakingly beautiful in parts, but there is no real narrative, and the prose is so dense, in places almost poetic, that I can only read a few pages, sometimes only a few sentences, before I have to pause and let the beauty of what I have read settle in.  This is a book to be savoured slowly. 

     

    For future reference, books on the list which I read as a "bicycle book" either on the bike or while walking will be marked with a B at the beginning of my brief review.  This simply indicates that it is a book that I found to be a light easy read, not necessarily that I did or did not like it, nor even that it is not worth reading more slowly.  

     

     

     

  • Still Here

    Hi.  I haven't forgotten about blogging, I just seem to have entered an extended fallow period where I have nothing to say.   

     

    IMG_7997I have been busy rearranging furniture, sorting out books and finally moving myself into this house and making it mine.  In many ways this is good, and I feel at home in my own house for the first time since we moved to Tennessee. At yet, the house and my life at the moment seem more like a protective shell, or perhaps better yet, a mirror.  The surface is reflected but the interior remains hidden.

     

    Truthfully this has been a long time coming.  Interests that have lain dormant for years are reawakening. I had been sloughing off bits of myself for years, shedding everything that distracted me from the task at hand, until there was nothing to spare. For those few of you who have read my various blogs over the years, this may have been quite evident. Although I knew I was struggling, my understanding was shrouded in mist.  I saw only what I needed to see.  In some sense I had become a shell of myself.  

     

    Now I am simply following a meandering path, rediscovering those bits and pieces.  It is something like following a trail of breadcrumbs out of the forest.  I am sure that my focus will return, that bookcases will be built, that I will settle down, and that my voice will return.  July may be a scattered month.  Part of the month will be spent Dallas helping my mom when she returns home from rehab following bilateral knee replacements. At the end of the month family and friends will join me in the Hudson Valley and we will scatter George's ashes in the Hudson. Although we cannot predict when transitions will end, I am already looking forward to that date as a closure of sorts, a time to say goodbye.

  • Apparently I Missed the Flowers

    When we moved to Tennessee I wondered if I would miss gardening. I intentionally bought a house in a PUD, recognizing that I didn't have time and accepted that I would rather be somewhere where someone else worked at keeping up appearances, at least landscaping wise.

     

    Still I wondered. I would ask myself, rather abstractly, if I wanted to buy planters to flank the garage door. I would admire the pretty annuals in the neighbors' yards and gently chide myself about my lack of motivation. And yet I did nothing. My wishes for flowers were nothing but idle fancy, fluff and dreams, nothing concrete.

     

    Until now.

     

    It started with two hanging baskets. I was at Kroger, not thinking about flowers, thinking about a few things I needed at the house before family arrived later that afternoon. Flowers caught me by surprise. I bought two hanging baskets. I set them in the front flower bed by the front bed and did nothing further. I watered them daily, faithfully, tending their promise of beauty to come. But I didn't know what to do with them. My mind was elsewhere.

     

    The day after everyone left, one week after George's death. I saw two large oval planters and I knew they needed to come home with me. They were delivered that same day. For a week they sat: empty. Baby steps.


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    I started on Memorial Day weekend. Hours were spent wandering through nurseries, looking for plants. Everything is different here. The light is different than it was at my former home. There I was mostly planting in shade; here I have full sun. But the plant selection is different too, even the annuals. It was both fun and overwhelming. 

     

    I like the effect so far. I have no idea how they will hold up over the summer, if these plants will play harmoniously together or if one will bully the rest, overwhelming everything and taking over.


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    Once the planters were filled, I addressed those two lonely hanging baskets. I realized that I was suffering a problem of context. It was not the plants themselves that were the problem, but the potting medium. Two pots and two plant stands later they grace an empty corner of my front walk and my house is taking baby steps toward becoming a home. It no longer looks like the plainest, loneliest house on the street.


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    Two pots became four.  Once I got my hands in the dirt. Once I saw the flowers I couldn't stop. I missed the dirt. I missed the flowers. Four pots have become six, eight.  I am still planting. And now it seems that yes, I am home.