Author: 459856pwpadmin

  • A Knitter’s Rug

     

    In my house the main living area is fairly open,  and although there are 4 bedrooms in the house, the master is front and center.

    Floor plan subset

     This was desirable when George was alive, partially because we moved from an open floor-plan house to this house, and partially because if he didn't see something it didn't exist and he worried.  Of course the master bedroom is there, but separate.  There is a door.  I have no problem closing that door when privacy is needed, but I have also learned that, unless someone is using the room, I do not like having that door closed, even when entertaining.  The positioning of that room and that door, almost at the spoke of the flow of the public areas seems like an affront,  a negative energy flow.  I have no trouble closing other doors, doors off hallways at the front of the house or upstairs, only this door. 

     

    As you might surmise, this posed a problem.  On the one hand a bedroom is  a private space: Cheryl Mendolson, in Home Comforts, calls it the Den of Nakedness;  Martha Stewart, in her Homekeeping Handbook, says she eschews decoration in bedrooms.   On the other hand, this bedroom is in a semi-public space, and I am uncomfortable both with the idea of it being too private, but also too public.  What to do?  What to do?

     

    It seemed to me that I needed a more intentional approach, and yes, a little decoration.  Truthfully, I've always had some kind of decoration in bedrooms, a painting, a sculpture, a vase or vessel, for what is life without beauty.  Art, craft, handwork, these are the human touches that, for me at least, bring a sense of comfort and security.  But the bedroom was kind of a mishmash of things that worked, but didn't really "spark joy" to use another popular phrase.  And so one of my summer projects has been to pull that bedroom together in such a way that I would be happy with the door open, but also happy with the door closed.

     

    It has been an ongoing project, with each change or improvement sparking other ideas, other refinements.  Yesterday the new rug arrived.  It had been ordered long ago, and although I had tried to keep it in mind as I fiddled and moved things around, I fretted.  Well, I'll always find something to fret about if given the chance.

     

    First, the detail shot.

    MBR Rug3

    Hopefully you can see why I love this rug, I who knit, and sew and love handwork.   I also love color and pattern, but sometimes color and pattern are too much, and this most certainly can be true in a bedroom.  The rug is gray, but a gray that is neither warm nor cool; my photo can't capture the true color, although it is probably closest where the edges of shadow begin to blend into the light.

     

     MBR Rug4

    So which is it?  Private space or public space, or a marriage of both?  This photo is taken from the dining room looking in, although I am not likely to have all the lights on routinely when I am entertaining.  Darkness and light can also define a space, perhaps as effectively as a door.  It remains a work in progress.  There are still some mismatched pieces, and I may not need both a bench and an ottoman.  Or perhaps I do.  I find that I love the play of shadows captured in this photograph. There are paint swatches on the wall, although neither of the colors shown in this photo will be the final color of this room.  You see Tikka in her favorite spot.  From this vantage point she can see and hear all comings and goings, inside and out.  I suppose then, in its public aspect, this is Tikka's room.

     

     

     

     

  • Diving Into The Wreck

    I remember the first time I saw a painting by Anselm Kiefer.  We were in the Albright Knox museum in Buffalo NY and the ginormous painting was in a stairwell.  We turned a corner and there it was.  George headed up the stairs, somewhat oblivious I suppose, and was surprised, upon reaching the next floor, to find that I was no longer with him.  I was rooted in place, awed and overwhelmed.  In fact, George had to come back down the stairs and wait patiently while I took in that painting, even though as far as he was concerned it was just an enormous, and enormously ugly, painting.  Museums trips were often like that with us.  George would have to wait patiently while I slowly took in a single piece of art, and I would patiently traipse from room to room with George who always eager to see more and more, after I had already surpassed my absorption limit and was museumed-out.  It was good for both of us.

     

    I still have that reaction every time I see a painting by Kiefer.  They are immediately recognizable, and to me they have a palpable physical presence that extends far beyond their place on the wall.  I am also aware that this feeling is not necessarily shared by all.  Kiefer's paintings are not beautiful.  If I had all the money in the world, I would still not want a Kiefer on my wall.  They are, in fact, almost painful to see, drawing us deeply into the darker sides of human nature, to the stranger that exists in all of us.  And yet, or perhaps because of this, they are extremely necessary.  Art is not about pretty escapism, although it can be, art is about something far deeper, far more elemental.  I would say art shows us the path to grace, but that path is not an easy path, and to get there we must also face the fact that we are not who we pretend to be.

     

    I went to SFMOMA while I was in San Francisco.  I never intended to wander through the entire museum, just to stop into two or three galleries.  I did not go in search of Kiefer, but upon arrival that is where I found myself, and in fact, it is where I spent most of my time.  I did step outside of the moment long enough to take some photos, although my quick smart-phone photos do not do the works justice, hoping I might eventually pull my thoughts together.   I am not writing about the works in the order I saw them, or even all of what I saw or thought on that day.  It would be too much, even for me.

      Meistersinger

     As I walked into the gallery, this painting drew me toward it, although it was not the first painting I saw. Notice the Wagnerian theme, the twelve pillars of straw, like torches, burning yet unconsumed as they tower above a world in ruin, a culture consumed.

    Meistersinger detail

    It is significant that the pillars are made of straw, and that Kiefer has incorporated actual straw into the work.  We like to think we are building for the future, that we are building of stone, and that the stone pillars we erect are built on a bedrock of truth and justice.  But this is actually rarely the case.  These are the stories we tell ourselves as we congratulate ourselves on the back, only to be shocked when the world burns around us and we see how ephemeral we and our beliefs really are.

    History

    All of this filtered into my first impressions of the painting.  And then I looked at the title, actually later, after walking around the gallery a bit.  It reminded me also of the painting above (the name of which I did not write down).   The portraits are all of great German thinkers: philosophers, writers, novelists.  They symbolize the ideas on which German culture is founded, and prides itself.  But they also all symbolize ideas that were taken and twisted into something outside their original intent to fuel the Nazi ideology.

     

    Kiefer's art specifically focuses on German culture, and the perversion of that culture under the Nazis.  It is both historical but morally important, and it is relevant to far more than just Nazism.  All of human history has its dark sides, all civilization, all religions even, can be and have been turned into something they were never meant to be, all in the name of good.  Kiefer reminds us to be vigilant. 

    Das boat

    I personally believe that people are good, that most of our lives are good, and I am pretty happy most of the time.  But happiness is not a drug, and we must remember our darker selves.  Only by acknowledging the darkness can we ensure that the light will continue.  Looking at these paintings I am reminded that we all understand ourselves, and our world, our pasts and our futures based on our own experiences and understandings.  History is filtered through the eyes of the historians.  We need primary sources, but it is rare that we find sources from both sides of any human struggle.  The story of history is often told by the victors, and it is written and rewritten time and time again.  We must remember that it was always a choice, and that there always was, and always will be a might-have-been.  Cling to the joy, the longing for cleanliness and purity and innocence, but do so with honesty and vigilance, lest the tide carry us away.

     

    The title of this post comes from a poem by Adrienne Rich.  I last read the poem quite a few years ago, but it popped into my head while I was writing this post.  I will share it with you here:

     

    Diving into the Wreck

    First having read the book of myths,
    and loaded the camera,
    and checked the edge of the knife-blade,
    I put on
    the body-armor of black rubber
    the absurd flippers
    the grave and awkward mask.
    I am having to do this
    not like Cousteau with his
    assiduous team
    aboard the sun-flooded schooner
    but here alone.

    There is a ladder.
    The ladder is always there
    hanging innocently
    close to the side of the schooner.
    We know what it is for,
    we who have used it.

    Otherwise
    it is a piece of maritime floss
    some sundry equipment.

    I go down.
    Rung after rung and still
    the oxygen immerses me
    the blue light
    the clear atoms
    of our human air.
    I go down.
    My flippers cripple me,
    I crawl like an insect down the ladder
    and there is no one
    to tell me when the ocean
    will begin.

    First the air is blue and then
    it is bluer and then green and then
    black I am blacking out and yet
    my mask is powerful
    it pumps my blood with power
    the sea is another story
    the sea is not a question of power
    I have to learn alone
    to turn my body without force
    in the deep element.

    And now: it is easy to forget
    what I came for
    among so many who have always
    lived here
    swaying their crenellated fans
    between the reefs
    and besides
    you breathe differently down here.

    I came to explore the wreck.
    The words are purposes.
    The words are maps.
    I came to see the damage that was done
    and the treasures that prevail.
    I stroke the beam of my lamp
    slowly along the flank
    of something more permanent
    than fish or weed

    the thing I came for:
    the wreck and not the story of the wreck
    the thing itself and not the myth
    the drowned face always staring
    toward the sun
    the evidence of damage
    worn by salt and sway into this threadbare beauty
    the ribs of the disaster
    curving their assertion
    among the tentative haunters.

    This is the place.
    And I am here, the mermaid whose dark hair
    streams black, the merman in his armored body.
    We circle silently
    about the wreck
    we dive into the hold.
    I am she: I am he

    whose drowned face sleeps with open eyes
    whose breasts still bear the stress
    whose silver, copper, vermeil cargo lies
    obscurely inside barrels
    half-wedged and left to rot
    we are the half-destroyed instruments
    that once held to a course
    the water-eaten log
    the fouled compass

    We are, I am, you are
    by cowardice or courage
    the one who find our way
    back to this scene
    carrying a knife, a camera
    a book of myths
    in which
    our names do not appear.

     

        – Adrienne Rich

     

  • A Review of Hillbilly Elegy

    Hillbilly ElegyI finished Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance about three weeks ago and it has taken me this long to be able to figure out what I wanted to say about the book.  I picked it up knowing full well it was about the pervasive poverty of a class of poor white people  in failing or failed industrial towns in the mid-west.  I knew the rough outline of Vance's life.  I knew that it was not about Appalachia, or at least what is today deemed as cultural Appalachia, which is limited to the southern and central regions of the range of a far larger area called Appalachia, an area that extends across eastern Kentucky and up into Southern New York.  And this region too, is different, culturally, from the areas surrounding it in many ways.   Middletown Ohio, where Vance grew up is not in Appalachia, although it is in what is called Greater Appalachia,  a term that has gained considerable currency since the publication of Colin Woodward's book, American Nation.  Woodward tracked culture based on migration patterns and thought that specific regional cultures had developed based on those migrations.  And the area called greater Appalachia was heavily populated by an influx of settlers from Northern Ireland, Northern England and the Scottish lowlands, a population that settled the area not only known culturally as Appalachia today, but up into southern Ohio, the Ozarks, and the central hill country of Texas.  I grew up in "greater Appalachia" and I can tell you there is far more cultural similarity between Texas, at least the part of central Texas in which I grew up, and East Tennessee, than there is between East Tennessee and the deep south, or even the greater Appalachian part of Texas and other regions of Texas, which Collins, I believe rightly, puts in different cultural regions.

     

    But this book isn't really about Appalachia, and although Vance considers himself a hillbilly, and his family background is definitely Appalachian, even though his grandparents had moved north before his parents were born,  the book isn't really about Appalachian culture.  It is about a subset of that culture, actually about a subset of American culture, because the problems Vance describes are widespread, and affect a far larger portion of our population than we would like to admit, whether their origins are hillbilly or not.  The book is a memoir, it is Vance's memoir, and although he is young, and there are issues in this book that I do not feel he has fully reconciled, it is a book that explores a problem that plagues our country, a problem that the majority of us do not really see or understand, and it is told from the perspective of someone who has experienced both sides and chosen to share his experience with us, hoping that we might learn something from it.

     

    I still believe the book is an important book about the current state of American culture, I believe it is important even if it doesn't address my segment of American culture, or yours.   Not all Appalachian families are like Vance's.  Not all working class families, or poor families are Appalachian.  But the problems Vance describes are widespread, and it is rare that we find someone who has lived through it and not only survived, but succeeded by the standards of successful America, and who is able and willing to tell the tale in a way that, much as we may not like it, we can understand.  In Vance's story of his childhood, and his struggles, we see a microcosm of the various trends that are indeed plaguing poor white American families.  Although it may not be Vance's intention, I see the point of reading this book being to open our eyes and get beyond labels and look at a problem without anger, and without blame (because although yes the government has abandoned people, and yes we have a long history of disenfranchising the poor, a history that dates back to well before this country was founded, a history that was supported by our founding fathers) because it is a problem of complex and multilayered causes with far-reaching effects, a problem that carries catastrophic implications for our country and the American Dream as we imagine it to be.

     

    I can't say that Vance's experience echoes my own in any important sense, although there are definite parallels in our backgrounds and experiences.  Nor can I say that I fully understand where he is coming from, or even if there are clear answers to the many questions his story presents.  But I can say that his story has helped me understand a few things that I have encountered since I moved to Tennessee, even though his experience is in Ohio, not here.  There are aspects of the culture he talks about that Ihat I have encountered, things that I suspect are intrinsic to a specific culture or area or mind-set, attitudes and biases that I did not encounter when I lived in New York, even though I did volunteer work with economically similar segments of the population in both locations. 

     

    And although Vance wants people, his people, poor white people, to accept responsibility for their own actions and the lies they tell themselves, I do not believe this is an adequate response.  It is admittedly part of the problem.  And part of that problem also comes down to blaming one's ancestry.  Genetics are only a part of who we are.  Many, if not the majority of Scots-Irish Americans, have not succumbed to the pitfalls experienced by Vance's people, but ancestry can also be a crutch and an excuse. But just as the answers do not lie completely in the hands of the poor themselves, they are also only partially the responsibility of the government.  The solution, if there is to be one,  also lies in the hands of the middle class and the wealthy, in the hands of the majority of us, the readers of this book.  We like to tell ourselves that we live in a land of opportunity, and yet a significant portion of our children have little to no access to that opportunity.  Those who have opportunity often ignore, or shield themselves, from the reality that many do not.

     

    Hillbilly Elegy is an autobiography of a person who has come a long way, but who hasn't yet come to terms with everything that his journey has involved or what it all means.  He is still a young man after all, and much of his story still feels raw and unsettled.  But the book offers a sobering look at parts of our culture that we perhaps would prefer not to see.  It is easy to blame the poor, the jobless, the drug- or alcohol-addicted. It is easy to ignore them and pretend like they are irrelevant to our lives.  Except they aren't, and their children aren't.  Their children, as much as our own, are the future of our country, are our children's future.

     

    How can you expect anyone to have any hope, to believe that there actually can be a better life, when all they see is decay, chaos, and despair?  How?  How can you expect children to believe in something they cannot see, that seems unimaginable compared to the world they do in fact see every single day? Can you honestly believe  that people who grow up in such circumstances will not become people consumed by anger and despair?

     

    Do we want to pat ourselves on the back, relegating the idea that we live in a land of opportunity to the realm of myth?  When do we admit that there is a problem and that we are not perhaps as compassionate as we claim to be?  The poor are not the only ones who need to come to terms with their own denial.  Those of us on the other side of the fence must do the same.  We need to admit that we as a society are falling behind if a significant portion of our population is falling behind, and we need to decide if we really are a country of compassion, of opportunity, of liberty and justice for all.

     

     

     

  • Three Things Thursday

    Coreopsis
    1. I  was wandering around in the garden this morning, looking at all the weeds I need to pull and admiring the ways the flowers continue to bloom and thrive despite benign neglect.  I've not been the best gardener of late, being somewhat preoccupied with other things, although I have to admit that summer heat has never been my friend.

    Crape myrtle

    Mostly I was feeling a little tired and faded, willing to sit back and just look at the weeds, pulling a few here and there, reminding myself that I'm  about ready to return to the garden, but not today.  Sometimes it is best to just sit back and let things be.  I was drawn to the glorious color of these roses from across the yard, but when I got close I could see how they were a bit tired and faded along the edges. 

    Faded roses

    The roses look exactly how I feel, a little floppy and droopy, but still hanging in there, and generally pretty happy.

    Celebration dinner

    2. Our church installed our new rector on Tuesday night.  The ceremony was beautiful, and I got a chance to see some dear people I hadn't seen in a long time.  Following the service was a celebratory dinner, held outside.  It was a glorious evening, perfect for a joyous event.  We had set up for 300, but there were a few empty seats so it is possible we only had 280 or 290.  Either that or not everyone was seated at the same time, which is also quite likely.

    Celebration reserved

    I chaired the dinner committee, but if ever a project took a village, it was this one and I am so thankful for all the people who donated their time, money, or other miscellaneous items to make this truly a community celebration.  I am also honored to have been a part of such a fabulous team of creative, dedicated, hard-working people.  The team had been out in the heat Monday afternoon, with the advanced prep work required for setting up tiki torches and assembling items for the tables, and then again for most of the day on Tuesday getting everything set and ready. 

      Selfie

    3. This morning I was up early, having finally caught up on sleep, and fluids, and perhaps some quiet, meditative, time as well.  I was up in the sewing room before dawn, disassembling this dress I bought in Florida in June, and re-sewing the side seams, whacking off about and inch and a half at the bust, and three inches at the hips.  Granted it was about an inch too big in the hips when I bought it, but it still feels good to be able to wear the dress, and to knock one simple project of the to-do list.  As you can see from the photo, I still have stuff piled up in the guest room, stuff that needs to go back to the master bedroom now that the floors are finished. The big boxes actually contain new light fixtures waiting for the electricians to return, or are they waiting for me call the electricians now that my schedule is once-again free? Heaven forbid I should have nothing to do…

  • A Few Snippets From San Francisco.

    All I can say is that I didn't intend to drag this out so long…

      Selfie

    Here I am my first morning in San Francisco ready to go out.  It is cool and I intend to walk around a while and perhaps snag myself a treat before meeting Lisa for lunch.  Although you can't tell, and I forgot to take pictures during the day, the jacket is navy, and I am wearing a winey-purple tunic under it. By the time I met Lisa, the scarf was either tied to my handbag, or stuffed inside. 

    Watch

    After admiring each other's watches I mentioned that I needed a second watch, one without a leather strap, one that I could wear working outside in the humid summer heat.  I had been considering an Apple watch for some time, especially the lavender-strapped variety she had linked to in her blog.  However, each time I went shopping for one in Knoxville the lavender was out of stock, and I was reluctant to order it sight unseen. And so, after a conversation-filled lunch, being only a couple of blocks away, we proceeded to the Apple Store.

    Apple store

    The store is architecturally brilliant, and I wish I had taken more pictures, had spent more time looking at the way the store uses light and space, creating something that is both protected and open, modern yet with a respect for the past.  Alas I was entranced with the process of spending money and being kitted out in my new watch.

    Tiles

    The next day I went to the Fort Mason Center with friends to see the American Craft Council Show.  We had a lovely time.  I was surprised in that the show seemed smaller and quieter than I had remembered the early shows at Rhinebeck being, or the Baltimore and Atlanta shows, which I remember as being mammoth and crowded.  But it has been years, and perhaps my memory is faulty.  There was much to see, and I collected some cards from artists whose work I admired.  The  tiles pictured above reminded me of paint colors I had been looking at recently, and they also appeal to that part of me that loves old Craftsman tiles (and over-the top art nouveau tiles as well), that same part of me that still dreams of a 1920's or 1930s house.

    Necklace

    But this necklace was the only thing I purchased.  It seems there was a gray and lavender and rose gold theme going on. Two simple beads on a cord.  It was the specific shapes and colors that attracted me, and its casual simplicity.  The necklace is exactly the kind of simple shape I love, especially in the summer, when it feels too hot for any excess.

     

     

     

  • Short But Not Necessarily Sweet Summer Reading

    Since my last book report, I have indulged my love of stories. 

     

    Man in Glass BoothFirst I read The Man in the Glass Booth by Robert Shaw.  Although a play is a story, or tells a story, reading a play is not like reading a novel or a short story.   I personally like reading plays, but they do require a slightly different mind set, as they are really meant to be visualized rather than read.  This particular play was difficult to read, it was probably a difficult play to watch as well, as there is much that is intentionally ambiguous.   In some ways it reminds me of a play I wrote about last fall,  Eve Ensler's Necessary Targets, not really because the story is similar, or the writing, but because both force the audience to address basic assumptions and perceived truths about themselves and society.  But I think it would be even more difficult for a modern audience.  There are significant references to art and music, references that I believe would have been familiar to the audience of the 1960s, but which are not so familiar today.  This is partly because many years have passed, but it also because of a cultural shift that has occurred in the intervening decades.  I think this play, like another book I read earlier in the year, The Dissapearance, assumes a higher level of cultural literacy.  It is a product of a type of high-toned popular culture, often called middlebrow, as it was basically a middle-class culture, but one that still believed that culture built character, and a respectable person should strive to understand the best writing and art as part of becoming a better person.   That culture still existed in the 1960s in large enough quantities that magazines and plays would be marketed to it, but doesn't really exist in any significant way today. 

     

     Still,  if you are up for it and can find a copy, I recommend reading the play as I am not sure it is performed much anymore.  It will challenge your beliefs and understanding of human nature, and intentionally so.  The play is about Arthur Goldman, a wealthy Jewish industrialist, a holocaust survivor, who is arrested and tried for being a Nazi war criminal. Goldman is outrageously irreverent in both his personas with the effect that one questions who he really is.  It is in this, Goldman's shocking tendency to play against type, to throw his accusers beliefs and assumptions back in their faces, that we find the true and unsettling strength of this play.  Goldman is aggravating, confounding, and both appalling and all too familiarly human. The play turns the reader's understanding of victimhood, responsibility, retribution, survivor guilt, and the complexities of good an evil in the human experience completely upside down, and leaves us with no easy answers, in the end causing us to question not only his guilt or innocence but our own.  I read the play nearly two months ago, and it still slinks through my mind.  It may continue to do so for some time. The play was made into a movie.  I think I will look it up sometime.

     

    Under the harrowNext, I thought some rather light reading along the lines of a murder mystery would be entertaining for a flight, so I picked up Under the Harrow by Flynn Berry.  It is taughtly written and rather compelling although I couldn't say that it was actually very light as I found much about the story that was disturbing and the main character to be completely aggravating.  Yet I couldn't put the book down.  The story is told from the perspective of Nora, the sister of the victim, who finds the body, and it perfectly captures her jittery, haphazard, at times maddeningly obtuse and otherwise emotionally flat affect. Although I am not particularly knowledgeable of the mystery genre, I found it be a good psychological suspense story that told the story in a new and somewhat unexpected way.  The conclusion seemed a bit of an afterthought in some ways, as indeed I believe it was meant to be.  Although the story begins as a search to find a killer, and the killer is indeed found, that is not, in the end the real focus of the suspense in this story.

     

    AbandonmentI also read Elena Ferrante's The Days of Abandonment, a book that probably deserves its own post.  But it is also a book that I can't really write about.  Nothing I put in words is as powerful as the book itself and it is not a book I would recommend to the casual reader.  It is the first book of Ferrante's I have read, and I understand that it is different from her Neapolitan novels, which I am now looking forward to reading.  I love this novel, but it is raw, and gut-wrenchingly intimate and painful.  Basically it is the story of a woman's descent into despair and loss of identity following the dissolution of her marriage.  I have no experience of divorce; it is something I hope to never experience.  And, like the grief from a death, I am sure there are similarities and differences in everyone's experience.  But I am familiar with grief, at least from the perspective of losing a spouse to death, and although death also feels like a betrayal, I can believe that divorce is a betrayal of a completely different nature.  Ferrante's prose is so beautifully rendered, so personal, that I felt drawn into Olga's misery, as if her despair was my despair, as if all the ugliness of dissolution was palpably present.  Since I read the novel, I've read some reviews that find the story overwrought and implausible.  I do not.  Ferrante touches on something, some aspect of grief and loss, of losing oneself and finding oneself again, only changed, that we all must experience at some point, something I can definitely understand, and makes it real.

     

    I'll end with two books that I feel are best read slowly, perhaps as part of a daily practice of meditation.

    Plain Living Listening

    Plain Living: A quaker Path to Simplicity was picked up for a Sunday School class, a class that I missed most of due to other obligations, but I am happy to have found the book.  The book actually does not have a narrative structure, instead consisting of a series of quotes from various writers that have been grouped according to themes by the author.   Read consecutively, I believe the author is a bit heavy-handed, but that observation does the book a disservice.  I don't believe it is meant to be read from cover to cover, and if one is so inclined, there is much wisdom to ponder here.  I would say the book is more theist than specifically Christian. Although many, if not most, Quakers do consider themselves part of the Christian tradition, this book is not limited to that mind-set but rather on the relationship of the individual to the divine, and the search for simplicity as a pathway  to finding clarity of purpose and meaning in life.

     

    Listening is an Act of Love by David Isay was given to me as a birthday present.  It is a compilation of stories edited from interviews that have occurred as part of the Story Corps project.  Like the previous book, the editor has grouped the stories by theme.  Also like the previous book, I find they are best read one or two at a time.   By reading a story a day, I fond the stories powerful reminders of the importance of everyone's life and story, each revealing in their own way something of the human condition that I could relate to and be inspired by.  They do not stand up to further scrutiny however.  Read straight through one gets the sense of something missing and yearns to hear more of the interviews.

     

     

     

  • Meandering Musings on a Thursday Morning

    Right now, I have a low-grade headache and my eyes are just beginning to water.  I am home, but I spent last night in a hotel, the same hotel to which Tikka and I will retreat this evening as well.  And so, once again, my plans are more or less on track, but the path has shifted and even perhaps meandered a bit.  I have a friend who always says the plans are "firm as jello".  It is a phrase I have pretty much taken to heart, as it mirrors so closely my own approach to life.  You can plan and plan, and then you just have to let it go.

     

    FloorSo this post will be interrupted, and I've decided to go ahead and write it as such. 

     

    The flooring installation team will arrive in a few minutes to resume gluing down the new flooring in the master bedroom, the same engineered hardwood floor that matches the rest of the house.  I had requested vinyl in that room when the house was built, knowing full well I would eventually need to replace it.  But the process of aging can be rife with indignities and I was tired of scrubbing grout and carpet, and far too aware of the tendency of liquids to run between the floorboards.  Perhaps wisdom comes with learning to accept the things you never wanted to know anyway, and then moving forward.

     

    What I didn't anticipate was the fumes from the glue.  It began when the vinyl was removed, but continued through the gluing of the floorboards.  Burning, watery eyes, draining sinuses and a growing headache told me that I would not be sleeping in the house, and so other plans were made.  I had thought that I would use my retreat to write a blog post, perhaps read, or knit.  Instead I found myself overwhelmed with exhaustion, ready to do nothing further than watch tv, let my mind decompress, and go to sleep. And so I slept, slept better than I had for a while, not because the hotel was more comfortable, but just because I was in a space outside of my own routines and obligations.

     

    And here I am again, home, enduring the headache because, well, I have stuff to do here, stuff that I will do best here, at my own desk in my own space, with occasional breaks in the fresh air. I am here because I want to be here.  Granted the heat and humidity don't make the fresh air all that inviting either, but then, no one ever promised me that the world would revolve around my wishes and preferences. 

     

    And I am excited about the floor.  I am excited about the process of moving things back into the bedroom, even though most of that will wait until tomorrow.  I am very aware that my ability to replace the floor, my ability to chose to escape to a hotel in the evening, even my ability to chose where and when I work are all privileges.  They are privileges I have worked for, but they are privileges none the less.  

     

    "Firm as jello". Even privilege is a tenuous thing.  You can work hard to achieve a certain place in the world, perhaps even come to it by accident.  But despite all one's effort, the result is still a tenuous thing.  Circumstances can, and often do, conspire against your will.  You may never achieve your goals; even if you do, you can still lose it all.  I am comfortably secure.  And I can make good choices with the goal of maintaining my status, my privilege, if you will.  But if I am wise, I also have to admit it is never all about me, or my work, or my choices.  The world intrudes.  The unexpected and unanticipated intrude, and sometimes they intrude in terrible ways for which we are not prepared, and we all have to adapt.  Hopefully, learning to adapt, and learning to let go, come with age.  Increasingly I think this is a significant part of what we call wisdom.

     

    I am not really a particularly patient person.  I know people who think otherwise about me, but this is simply because they only see one side of my personality.  Like everyone I know, I want safety and security and simply to be happily ensconced in my own little safety zone.  But I also realize that there is no such thing.  I see it as an illusion; an illusion I may yearn for, but an illusion none-the-less.  We have to change to survive.  The world changes around us daily, and eventually we have to change or be overwhelmed.

     

    And it is this part of me, this part of me that sees change as constant, this part of me which is a corollary to the "firm as jello" part of me, that gets frustrated and sometimes impatient.  I do get impatient with people who dig in and refuse to change, especially when they see the need intellectually but can't bring themselves to venture out of their comfort zone, especially when they say they want change and yet can't, or won't, take the necessary steps.  I get impatient but not angry.  This is one of the reasons I am not a person who has a natural gift of healing or soothing others.  I can be good at seeking compromise, at moderating, but I am not a healer.  I am far too impatient. 

     

    What people don't see is that I am just as impatient with myself.  I get frustrated with others, but I get equally, if not more, frustrated with myself.  I find self-forgiveness far harder than forgiving others.  I don't hate other people, but there was a time in my life when I hated myself, and I do know how difficult it is to let go of that self-hatred.  I do know that I often fall victim to the same pigheaded determination to be right and to be safe as any other person I know.  It seems I am constantly learning about new blind spots.  Each blind spot I overcome seems to reveal two more.  I hope this is the path to something or someplace better, because it sure is a rocky road.  I get frustrated, not because I think I am better, but because I am well aware of how treacherous the road can be, of the boulders lurking around the corner, and because I don't want anyone to fall by the wayside.

     

     

  • Restoration

    I have been sewing, although my recent sewing has been restorative rather than creative.  I love handwork, the process of hand-sewing, of hand embroidery and needlework.  It is restorative in that it soothes my soul but also opens a door that allows it to soar freely, as if the act of slowing down, of small repetitive, attentive motions, allow something greater to take flight. I regret that I stopped doing handwork for so long.  I rejoice that I have found it again.  With time, patience, and practice, my skills will improve.

    Banner tabs

    An older silk banner needed repair.  The silk backing, which was shredding, came off.  One of the hanging tabs was also in poor condition.  It needed to be turned and lined, then reattached to the banner.

    Banner tab support

    But the entire top support of the banner was in sad condition. The new tab is in position but not yet anchored.  You can see the shredding of the fabric, the many decades of wear and dirt.  It was questionable whether the top of the banner would continue to hold. 

    Banner structure

    A support band was added, anchored in several rows across the top of the banner, stitched through the tabs and canvas underlining.  Three rows of stitching were added, although this photo was taken early in the process and you do not see them here.

    Banner stitching

    Then a new silk backing was attached.  Many hours were spent making small stitches under magnification.   Although many would find this work tedious and boring, I know of few activities that are more peaceful and centering.

     

    I returned the banner, but I really should have spent more time, let it hang for a week or two in my studio before returning it.  People missed it, and I was going away.  I felt guilty about keeping it while I was gone.  But that was my own, self-imposed guilt, my own failing.  The weight of the embroidery and the heavy appliques pulls the fragile silk, which is shredding in places, downward.  The previous backing, equally old and equally shredded collapsed at the same rate.  

     

    Like everything in life, perhaps like life itself, restoration is a series of compromises.  I see what needs to be done.  The work goes on. 

     

    (All photos, except the second were taken under magnification.  This is both a godsend, that my older eyes can see, and a curse, in that I see how far from perfect my stitches are.  Mastery can only be achieved through years of tiny steps)

  • Five Things Friday

    1.  The dressers I dismantled and reassembled so that they were all the same height were moved into the master bedroom closet.

    Closet

    Now all my clothes are in one place, in a room where there is light and they can actually be seen.  It is both wonderful and overwhelming.  Even though my closet is by no means full, my first reaction on seeing everything together is "I have too many clothes".  But I have already edited my closet down considerably, eliminating things that fit a previous life, that didn't fit, or were the wrong colors.  The problem is that I have a wall of fabric I want to make into clothes while at the simultaneously feeling that there are things I need (there are indeed) and I have too much.  The challenge is finding the perfect meeting of these all too human impulses, realizing as I do so that contradiction is an essential part of human nature.  Our passage through life is a process of growth and also of editing or refinement.  I think somewhere along the line my journey the balance between making and editing will take on a more curatorial process. Or I could just be saying that to make myself feel better.

     

    2.  Last November I brought a silver chest home from Texas.  It was made by my grandfather and contained assorted sets and remnants of my grandmother's silver.  The silver simply needed polishing, but the chest needed refinishing and relining with silver cloth.  It went off to be refinished and restored, along with a small chest of drawers I had salvaged many years previously when someone left it out on one of the designated curbside pickup days.  Both chests came back home in mid July.

    Chests

    My grandmother's silver has been returned to the upper chest, where it is used every day.  The lower chest, which I suspect was originally meant to store papers, now holds placemats, napkins and assorted small pieces.  The drawer bottoms are very thin, hand planed at about 1/8 or 3/16 inch thickness and were bowed  and split to the point that I couldn't use most of the drawers.  They have been flattened and restored and are now usable.  This little chest is one of my most treasured objects, and using both of these pieces, my hands opening drawers made by previous hands, knowing that they were saved from the ignomy of a landfill somewhere to find new life and use, brings its own kind of joy.

    Drawer

     

    3. A couple of times this summer, I've cracked an egg in the morning to find double yolks: 

    Twins

    I always get a little thrill somehow,  but it is a thrill tinged with sadness and knowledge of the fragility of life.  You know of course that twin chicks do not survive.  If embryos even develop, they rarely survive to hatching, and then cannot get themselves out of the shell, not having either enough room or enough strength to survive.  A chick that cannot get itself out of its own shell does not have the strength to live, despite all the best, and most-well-intentioned efforts of kind-hearted humans.  Food for thought.

     

    4. A process that started with reassembling dressers (above) has taken on a life of its own and I find myself in the middle of an extended nesting phase.  Even in terms of decorating or home improvement, it seems I am all in or all out. Wallpaper was put up  in my office, turning it into a little jewel box that I hardly want to leave, which may be a good thing as I am involved in several outside projects as well, with a few more on the horizon.

    Grasscloth

    There are two paint swatches on the gray wall in the hall.  One is actually the same shade of gray that is currently on the wall, but it appears slightly darker.  it could simply be the difference of using a higher quality paint and a different base than the one used by the builder, although the actual color formula is supposed to be the same.  I am not knowledgeable enough about paint to say.  The lower swatch is slightly lighter with a slightly more obvious lavender cast.  A decision has not yet been made, but I have learned that I am very comfortable with gray.

    Sedum

     5. It has been a long time since I've posted any kind of garden photos.  Truthfully it was hot and dry in July and the unrelenting heat was not encouraging.  But the small creeping sedum I planted in the bare area of the front bed, at the base of the magnolia has done very well, and is blooming.  Sometimes great beauty comes in very small packages.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Two Photos

    During my recent blog break I was in San Francisco.  I was also in airports during the Delta computer shut-down and flight-cancellation mess.  But I was one of the lucky ones, one of the people who got to my destination within reasonable proximity of being on the same day, and with minimal fuss.  A lot of other things went on during my blog break, and they will undoubtedly come out in their own time.  But this is a (relatively) short post, and not the time for such things.

    SFMOMA 

    Once upon a time, I travelled to San Francisco once or twice a year.  But nine years had passed since my last visit, nine of the hardest years of my life.  Nine years ago, my own personal fracture lines were starting to show.  It was time to return, but I hadn't been ready before now.  I went to San Francisco to see friends, old friends mostly, friends who knew me before, but my trip also ended up being about reconnection with that person whom I was once was and still  am to some extent.  It was a visit of rediscovery.

     

    I have many friends in San Francisco, many friends whom I did not see, many friends who may have been perfectly happy to get together, and yet I didn't make the effort.  And yet there were old friends,  friends I had not seen in seven years, nine years, friends I needed to see again.  There was a meeting with a new friend who is also an old friend.  And there was time to simply walk in this city.  Some part of my old self was waiting for reconnection, for rediscovery. I have never lived in San Francisco, but perhaps I have simply been there enough that I am completely comfortable being who I am without worrying about social signaling or connecting with my "tribe" when I am there.  I am sure if I were there longer than a few days, than a week or two here and there, my feelings would be different. But San Francisco reminds me that it is the closest I have come to be being a place person, although I am not a person of that place.  I have always  been a relationship person.  Home is where the heart is, where the relationship(s) that sustain the soul are, at least for me.  And yet I can, for a brief moment, when I am in San Francisco, understand the place-driven, for whom home is as much about place as about relationship. 

    SF1

    A lot happened on my blog beak.  I read.  I walked.  I spent time with friends and family.  And I rediscovered something about myself that had, before this, remained at least partially hidden.  That is the way of life sometimes, one step forward and two steps back.  Or is it the other way around?  It depends on our understanding.

     

    Old and new.  Change, fear, and holding on to the dear and known aspects of life.  This is the human condition, this balance, this struggle.  The two photos in this post were taken within three paces and one counter-clockwise turn of each other.   They were the only pictures I took of this city.  The old, the new, the uncharted path. We never know where we are going, but wherever we end up is at least partially shaped by where we have been.